Is it better to have crap friends than no friends?

[COL1N]

Just that really, my friends are really crap & not sure we even like each other that much. But if I stop hanging around with them I wont have any friends at all! Not sure which is worse?!

No.

You'll find other friends that aren't as crap, even if it's just a few. Don't put up with people who hurt you.

Get rid of the crap friends so you’re not wasting time and energy on them. That’ll give you the brain space to go it and get some nice new ones.

No, get rid. You need to create time to go make friends

crap friends aren’t friends.. they’re just crapmans?

In what way are they crap?

I think that will of to the answer to this

I keep the crap ones around here and there and just introduce better ones over time. Then you don’t have to break up with anybody.

If your so-called "friends" are not being there for you, there is nothing to say you should continue the friendship. Don't get stuck in a rut with them. They do not have your best interest at heart.

Ask yourself why you have hung onto them.

It will create space and energy to find better friends.

If your crap friends are just a bit flakey and not very good at staying in touch, then yes.

But if they put you down or are unkind to to you, no.

I’d rather have no friends than crap friends.

I think for most people most friends are transient. They don't need to be lifelong friends, people come into and out of your life.

I've recently had one of those life events that means you find out who your friends are. As a result, I've pulled back from some I would have previously considered very good friends, but I seem to have become close to other people I would have considered acquaintances before.

In what way are they crap OP?

Ime as you get older you accept less crap.
Precisely why I am friendless!!

No. Please let them go from your life. You deserve more.

Something similar happened to me recently. I stood up for myself and lost my main group of friends for over a decade. And even others on the outside of the group. It was hard, very hard as I was going through a difficult time in my life.

But it's like it cleared space for better ones to come in. I would have said I had no friends after they went, but I was wrong. People starting drifting to me gradually. I had to put the effort in too though.

I reestablished some old connections, started a hobby I love that brought a new group of people into my life that I meet with once a week, joined a local committee that I volunteer with once a week (and see socially now too) and starting arranging things with the mum's of some of my daughter's friends (found a shared love of crafting with one of the mums and we plan to do one off workshops together). I've also became close to my 2 neighbours over lock downs - and actually realised recently that they had become important friendships for me.

Once I relaxed it all happened quite naturally. Probably over just 6 months. I needed the old not so good ones out of my life for me to make an effort, have time for others and to push me out of my comfort zone.

Many of them are new friendships, apart from the old ones that are coming back around or acquaintances that are becoming friends. Although it was horrible and painful at times, I look back now and I am much better off.

I think crap friends are fine as long as you set your expectations accordingly (and assuming they're not actually nasty)

Thanks for the advice. They aren't nasty but just flaky & I sort of always feel on the outside or not important which makes me feel bad.
I have been trying to make new friends to have aswell but finding it hard to be honest. Im quite shy & awkward & I think abit unlikeable.

I’m sure you’re not unlikable!

Could your shyness and awkwardness (introversion?) be colouring your perception of how other people see you?

I’d rather have no friends than bad ones. It’s quality and not quantity.

I would say they’re a bad fit for you if you come away feeling bad.

Why put yourself through it.

I think if you quietly ditch them you will feel a lot better/calmer in yourself and also find out how it’s actually quite an easy thing to do.

What's your method of trying to make new friends?

The best way is to do more stuff that you love, and find clubs and groups of people doing those activities. That way, if you don't make friends at first, you've already got someone putting you first: you.

In that case I think you're better off keeping them as occasional friends, but creating distance between them.

I think it's best to keep the flaky friends otherwise you end up with no friends which is worse. Nothing stopping you from trying to find and form new friendships as well. Good strong friendships are very rare. I think it's as hard as dating and trying to find a partner.

If you have no friends people will think you're an oddball or have something wrong with you even if you're actually lovely and it's bad luck with friends, but if you have flaky friends people will understand and blame the friend for being flaky. You would be seen as kind. Some might think you're a doormat for staying friends but I think most will see you as a really good person and an understanding, super loyal friend who sees good qualities in their flaky friends.

@Pastaa

You are advising OP to stay in unhealthy friendships because of what people will think?

No. I'd rather be alone a million times over than have to tolerate people I don't particularly like.

Ime as you get older you accept less crap.
Precisely why I am friendless!!

Me too, Littlebird.

When I was younger I probably felt the need for more company. But now I’m late 50s I can’t be doing with drama, selfishness or unpleasantness. It suits me fine to be alone most of the time tbh. I’m a happy loner more-or-less. But other people do need more relationships in their lives, which is just the way they are too. Or are less concerned re. quality.