Hi everyone, I’m feeling pretty low at the moment and have been for a while now, I can’t talk to anyone about this which is why I’m here anonymously asking strangers for advice/reassurance I guess.
I left my partner of nearly 8 years last year, we share a DD together and it was not an easy decision. I moved in with him and his parents as soon as baby girl arrived and discovered quite quickly that this situation wasn’t going to work. There were a lot of issues in the relationship, for the first 4 years of my DDs life I was mainly out of work as I stayed home until she started school, homelife wasn’t the nicest, my in-laws were a massive strain on my relationship, MIL was very controlling when it came to DD, housework and general being a good housewife, FIL was obsessed with my partner, I think I can count on one hand the amount of times we went out just us as FIL always insisted on coming, they have a good relationship which is lovely however we were unable to even just sit and have a conversation as FIL knew no boundaries and almost always it ended up me leaving them to chat and taking myself off to bed as I’d just sit listening to conversation I’ve no interest in. Covid happened and I went back to full time employment as lockdown started - in healthcare! I got in touch with friends I’ve not seen for 10 years and they reminded me of who I used to be. My partner and I were not happy, then again, I should say he was perfectly happy with the situation, he loved being at home and was happy to stay there and inherit the home (FIL had convinced him to stay as if we left he said he would have to sell due to upkeep - is a big home in the country side, lots of work!) I realised it was time to leave when I sat on our porch floor at 4 in the morning sobbing and letting him know that I no longer wanted to live, I’m sorry if that seems dramatic, I can’t explain the last 8 years in full, just that I was so unhappy and wanted my own life, without control. The next day I got home from work and sat with him and said I couldn’t do this anymore. He spent a week trying to convince me that he would change, we would move but I was already done. I packed up my things and left to go to my moms, I was absolutely heart broken. My partner was on the whole very lovely, although, he had a hobby that took up all of his time, we didn’t have a lot of us time or even family time, never went on holiday, didn’t do ‘date nights’, he didn’t ever compliment me and I did feel quite unloved, it wasn’t until I left that I finally experienced how much he loved me, he broke down in tears, which is something I’ve never seen him do but I had made my mind up and couldn’t believe that he would change.
Fast forward to now and I’m in my own little home with my DD and I have met someone new it’s been around 8 months, which may seem soon as my ex and I had been split for just 6 months, but I felt very comfortable very quickly, he is everything my ex wasn’t, he tells me everyday how beautiful I am, how much he loves me, there isn’t anything this man wouldn’t do for me, we have a really nice life so far, we go out often, spend lots of time together, he has an amazing group of friends and family that I have really taken to and I do feel I have fallen in love with him. However… I can’t stop thinking about my ex, when I left him I never lost feelings I think I pushed them away but the longer it goes without him the more I ache for him. I want things to work out with my new partner because I know in the long run I would be so much happier with him, as I am now. My ex will never change, I know him well enough to know this but I still can’t shift this. I feel very depressed, and as if I’m grieving him if that makes sense? It doesn’t feel right that he isn’t in my life anymore and on one hand I regret ever leaving him, yet on the other hand it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I look at other mother’s who have left their children’s fathers and moved on and wonder if they’ve ever felt like this? My family and friends love my new partner so I could never bring this up to any of them, they would all be distraught if I ever mentioned I am missing him. I’m not sure if I should leave new partner and maybe just be on my own and see what happens but he has done nothing to deserve this and despite my feelings I am so happy with him and love him so much. Has anyone ever felt this way and if you’ve made it to the end, thank you and sorry for my waffle.