I’m lonely

[Katec2018]

I’m a mum of twin girls aged 2, I stay at home while my partner works. He works really hard for us and I appreciate everything he does for us. My problem is I’m lonely, he works 60+ hours a week and when he comes home it’s like he’s not here. He’s always doing things. I know he has a life to but I feel like I’m not living mine. He has a 8 year old from a previous relationship and she stays with us at weekends and splits school holidays, she’s a lovely child but at times can be challenging with her behaviour and often throws temper tantrum’s. Sometimes I feel like I can’t cope. I’ve spoke to him about how I’m feeling and he changes his ways and helps out more. But it always goes back to the way it was. I’m tired. I can tell you exactly minute by minute how my day goes, although I wouldn’t change my babies for a single second I feel like I’ve lost me. We were supposed to be going out tonight for a date night but one of the twins are sick, he rang me and said since we’re not going out tonight I’m going to go the gym instead. What am I supposed to do or say? I’ve told him if we don’t spend time together our relationship isn’t going to work, he’s rang me more than usual today to check in and see how I’m doing but I feel like I’m talking to the wall sometimes. It’s difficult raising twins at the best of times but I feel like a single mum. I’ve given up a lot for him and feel like I’m just a flat mate who looks after his children with no breaks whatsoever. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do 🥲

Consider getting a good babysitter/nanny so you can go out during the day and in the evenings
Schedule in date nights with out any children and tell dh to book the night, and you organise the babysitter
Get a part time job

Absolutely get a cleaner.

You have become so used to having no life, you have forgotten what one looks like! Start seeing friends again and having fun. I promise in six months you will feel different again

Make sure you get equal free time to him. Childcare is also work. Go to every local playgroup going. I was very lonely as a SAHM too. Hugs xxx

Are you going back to work ? I found that I needed to, to get some adult company.
Its not up to you to look after the DSD, make sure he has her.
And if he has 2 hours to go to the gym, he then needs to give you two hours off too

The key to happiness is work. I know that sounds strange but it helps with confidence post childbirth and it leads to the other half realising you have needs too. And less insecurity as you’re earning your own money. You’re tired now, but this will pass and it will get easier. Don’t leave it to the future as time passes quicker than you think.

He needs to compromise.

You need time to yourself and also time together.

What would he say if you said no to him going to the gym and that actually you could do with a break. And you actually go out for two hours instead?

Thank you all for your replies, it means a lot. I don’t mean to complain but it’s so hard at the moment. I feel like a single mother. I’ve told him I need some time alone just to recharge he says he’ll help out more and give me a few hours. It never happens, he only has 1 day off a week and every 3rd weekend so we don’t get to see each other much. He says he’ll get up and see to the babies one day but it never happens. Or he’ll suggest taking them the park but something always comes up and it never materialises.

As for childcare, I’d love to go back to work but financially it isn’t worth it. It’ll cost £2439 a month for them to go and I just can’t afford that. Maybe once they start nursery next year I could do part time? I worked for 20 years in the same place and got laid off the December befire the pandemic hit but then I found out I was pregnant so we decided it wasn’t worth me getting a new job just yet. It was a huge shock finding out I was pregnant at 40, but these babies are a huge blessing in my life and I wouldn’t swap them for all the money in the world.

I just want some recognition of the efforts I have to make every single day, cleaning washing looking after 3 children and making sure there’s a hot meal for him coming home from work every night. It’s very tiring x

Then you split his day off three ways. Week 1 - his free time. Week 2 - your free time and Week 3 - couple time.

You also need to make SAHM friends. They were a real lifesaver for me.

I feel sad for you! I would say bear in mind that this won’t be forever. If your husband doesn’t go through with his promises, have a plan b - that might be getting someone (paid) to watch the children while you have a break, leaving him with the children on his day off without asking, or getting a part time job and sharing the fees with him. And go through with it! Also what do you have i the way of peers, as in other mums with similar aged children?

Disclaimer - I have no children yet.

Working 60+ hours a week is tough.

Yes 60 hours work is tough, but he finds the energy to pursue hobbies and go to the gym, so he can find the energy to look after his children and let his wife have an evening off occasionally. He's being really selfish.

My problem is I’m lonely, he works 60+ hours a week and when he comes home it’s like he’s not here. He’s always doing things. I know he has a life to but I feel like I’m not living mine

First of all, why on earth is he working more than 60hrs per week??? Are you on the breadline?? Is that really necessary, or has he made it out like it's essential because he's a workaholic?