Should I stay or should I go.....

[NotReallySure]

I've been married for 7 years, 2 kids (4&6). Since just before wedding some red flags (I know, shouldn't have gone through with it). Generally very black and white mentality, speaks down to me, generally things are good while it's all going to (his) plan. But nasty streak - doesn't speak to me with respect, unable to have a disagreement without reacting like a small child, difficult to talk about anything calmly. Fast forward to now and arguement where he tried to involve kids (your mum should stop going on..... Etc), culminating in him shutting my hand in the door trying to stop me following him into a room. Kids were in the room. So this is a deal breaker for me. Previously I was unhappy in my marriage but happy in other aspects of life so stayed for the kids. But now it's affecting the kids, so I can leave..... Happy about that!
Now he's changed, he's really making an effort for the first time, first family weekend away without bickering, speaking nicely, being considerate. He's only doing this because my 6 year old told him he was mean to me (which is awful that a 6 year old had to be part of this). Never listened when I told him he was being nasty/I was upset. I want to go. Kids are happy, I'll be tearing the family apart. All our friends see this lovely, outgoing, chatty guy. Argh!! This pisses me off as it's too late, too little and I'm done. But now I'm hesitant as I'll be the bad guy leaving/breaking up a happy home. Speak some sense to me ..... Any stories of kids this age being ok after divorce?
Thanks.

It’s not too late, you can go any time. You don’t even need a reason any more.

Fast forward to now and arguement where he tried to involve kids (your mum should stop going on..... Etc), culminating in him shutting my hand in the door trying to stop me following him into a room. Kids were in the room. So this is a deal breaker for me.

A deal breaker is a deal breaker - the very definition means he’s crossed a boundary for you, which means the relationship is over. The fact that he’s being nice now means he chose not to treat you respectfully before, so I’m not sure staying is much of an option.

Your kids will be better with you safe and happy and apart than they would be seeing you abused.

My kids were 2,6 and 10 when I split with their dad and he sounds very similar to yours - argumentative , he would belittle me , he was incapable of a rational discussion. The 2 year old and the 10 year old coped well but the 6 year old struggled a bit and we did have some challenges . He told me years later he just wanted his parents back together , but having said that he has done well at Uni and is a caring kind young man whom I'm v proud of so it obviously didn't have any lasting effect on him . It took me way too long to leave and like you I think I knew deep down I should never have got married . You know you will be happier without him and he is a terrible example to your children please make steps to leave and start afresh you won't regret it .

He is emotionally abusive to you and the children and now he has crossed over into physical abuse. Has he admitted he has been abusive? Is he seeking help?

Say it out loud op. He is only trying to be nice to get the dc on side.. If he was genuinely nice he would have been all along!!

It's only now I talk about it that I see how awful it's been and I look back and think how many things in the past should have been deal breakers. And I really worry about the effect our relationship (even without physical violence) would have on the kids. It's just so hard.
@pumpkinpie01 I think my 6 year old will struggle, he's so sensitive and he loves his dad.
Yes, you're right, but it would be easier if he kept being a knob!@Jellycatspyjamas

My OH treats me like yours treats you (minus the hand in the door incident) and I'm trying to get my ducks in a row and to hopefully have a sensible conversation with him about separating. He doesn't tend to have discussions so I'm dreading it TBH and as my DS (also 6) has been at home this last week I'm wary of saying anything until he's back at school. It's horrible. My DC also adores his dad BUT he also sees how he talks to me. I'm hoping we can come to a sensible arrangement with STBX nearby and involved but my fear is it will all be too much for him to keep up with (he's been a really useless parent in practical terms but does a good job of Big Days Out and Grand Gestures) and before long the novelty will wear off. I would love to be proved wrong: it may be the making of him!

He also seems to be framing me as the bad guy because, although he has mentioned splitting up before he always seems to go off the idea as soon as I agree! To me that just says he suddenly glimpses his maid skipping into the sunset. I'm happy to be the bad guy if it means down the line I get to be a happy and free bad guy.

If you decide to go ahead with a split are you in a solid financial position? I'm trying to focus on the practical stuff that I can control rather than the emotional fallout, which I can't.

Thanks @lifebeginsat48 it's rubbish isn't it. I'm ok-ish financially and have the means to earn a bit more. I'd get by. I just think I'd be so happy living in my own place. He's making a huge effort now at home but I'm just finding him annoying. Hoping for a sensible arrangement too, in my head it could all be so simple, but not expecting the reality to be that smooth!

And no, he'd never admit his behaviour is abusive but looking back I can see that it is.

@NotReallySure people like that don't actually think they are abusive so they will never admit it . Your life will be so much better , I stayed for 7 years too . Please don't stay any longer , every day with a twat you can't stand is a day too long !

Thank you so much everyone x

My children were a similar age when I split with my ex OP. They were and are absolutely fine, they saw how he treated me and them and our house is much calmer and safe without him.

Don't stay for the kids, it will just end up miserable and do you want your relationship to be the blueprint for their relationships for the future? That's what I kept telling myself.

@NotReallySure

culminating in him shutting my hand in the door trying to stop me following him into a room. Kids were in the room. So this is a deal breaker for me.

Now he's changed, he's really making an effort for the first time, first family weekend away without bickering, speaking nicely, being considerate. He's only doing this because my 6 year old told him he was mean to me (which is awful that a 6 year old had to be part of this).

Two very good reasons not to stay OP. Your violent and verbally abusive husband being told off by your young child, who's aware his father is horrible to his mother...

I wish you strength in whatever decision you come to and a happier future for you and your children. 🌹

My parents divorced when I was little and it's unfortunately common with a lot of my friends. From my experience and what I've witnessed with others, a child doesn't stop loving a parent because of a divorce, so I wouldn't worry about your kids relationship with their father. They'll still love him and if he actually loves them also, then he'll keep those relationships strong. If he's the kind of person that will give up on them and blame the divorce, then he's the kind of person that would get to that point anyway eventually, even if you stayed.

What's more important is the lessons you're imparting. It's not just what the kids say, but what they unconsciously retain. Toxic spouses often act better for a while after threat of separation but it's almost never sustainable because they don't actually mean any of it. It's just a temporary band-aid to calm the storm down until they can get back into their toxic routine and those routines are the kinds of things that kids pick up on and carry with them. Maybe the internalize it and realize how horrible it is to be in one of those relationships, but just as often, they attach to it and find themselves in similar relationships because that's what their brain was subconsciously programed to believe was normal.

I Certainly take that on board about the kids future relationships, one of the reasons I considered leaving in the past was that I wanted my kids to see a loving, considerate relationship and we weren't showing them that. I definitely think they take in more than we know.
Glad to hear your kids are fine @QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat . Such a worry for me as my little girl (4) used to be very independent but she's in a phase where she just wants me all the time and comes into my bed every night.

Wow, I could've written this! Left when the kids were 4 and 5, never looked back. Kids now 10 and 8, well rounded, great relationship with us both, we share contact 50/50.

Kids are resilient, and it's 100% better for them to grow up with happy, separated parents displaying boundaries and respect for themselves than yo grow up in an abusive household

The change in behaviour wont last - when he get comfy and thinks you have forgotten about it -he will revert to his mean behaviour

But it's not a happy home is it? If it really was, you wouldn't want to leave.

@lanbro that's reassuring, thanks.
Everyone is right of course, and I know it's got to happen. I'm now at the stage where I can't really stand him at all. Just need to sort finances. Really no way back from here, and yes, not a happy home. Appreciate all the replies xx

Leave him,it doesn't matter how he is acting now,you have seen what he is and so have your children x

Yes, you're right, but it would be easier if he kept being a knob!
Oh, he's still a knob OP. He'll show you again very soon.

As well as your 6 year old ticking him off, he senses that you are pulling away.
This triggers the next phase of the abuse cycle - which is currently, temporarily, in the "idealise" phase.

He will start being a knob again when he gets comfortable & moves back into the "devalue" phase, & you'll know when he's back in "discard" phase because you'll start getting twitchy about leaving your hands near doorways when he is in the vicinity.
narcissist-sociopath-awareness.com/idealize-devalue-discard/

You sound committed to leaving OP, & well done for that. It takes courage & stamina (as does staying. Abused women are phenomenally strong, even though they have been conditioned to think poorly of themselves). So please don't let this phase of "Idealise" or "Hoovering" trick you.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Precisely this. It's called 'the cycle of abuse'. It's textbook behaviour. Worth googling and seeing if it feels familiar. Also, I have two kids with my ex husband and honestly, our relationship is brilliant. So much better than it would have been if I'd stayed in an unhappy marriage, and they'd just witnessed me constantly being miserable. Good luck x

Thanks for all the info and support from everyone. I'm set on leaving and just trying to work out practicalities and he knows my feelings have changed. He's still fighting for it which is now just annoying me to be honest. I know it's right for me and the kids. Feels like it's all going to get very messy, but I honestly can't wait for the time I'm living in my own house, feeling happy without him. Just need to sort finances really. Thanks so much again xx