Joint money whilst on maternity leave

[mockayz]

My partner & I are having a baby, my income will only be the minimum statutory rate plus child benefit (for my child I have with ex partner)

We have agreed that all income goes into the same pot, however, he wants to save a few hundred, up to about £500 a month just in his separate account. Some months may be £200 depending on how much commission he earns.

All bills, food, expenses are covered, we each have a spending amount of around £500 - £600 a month, then whatever is left he wants to keep.

He feels its unfair as he has worked hard for it and he isnt leaving me in the lerch, everything is covered.

Should i just be ok with that?

It doesn't feel fair.

I would at least like it to go in joint savings.

But maybe that is unreasonable?

My dh has always been the main breadwinner. He has always left me to do what I want with the money.
He's never claimed it as his own.

I would be very worried that he's trying to stash away extra money in his own name, which because you aren't married, is just his if you split up. Even if you don't split up, if you don't see what's in there he could be spending it without consulting you.

When you become a family, all money is family money. Yes you're earning less for a while, but that's because you have to have time off because you're having a baby. A baby which is 50% his. He is as responsible for your cut in pay as you are.

So yes, great to have savings but why doesn't he want them to be in your joint names? (unless he thinks the money is actually more his, or he's putting it to one side for if you split). I wouldn't be happy with that arrangement as it would make me trust his intentions, as well as his respect for my position (ie does he think you're contributing less now you're 'only' having a baby???

that should have said DIStrust his intentions

You should each have the same amount for personal spending. That is how a family works.

Find this really interesting reading. Why should she get married just because she's having a baby? I'm pregnant and myself and (female) partner aren't married. We don't have any shared bank accounts currently and don't pool money - we split things approximately, though I try to put in a bit of a higher share as the higher earner. The only thing we do a straight 50/50 with is the mortgage. We've never bothered with a shared account because its never been an issue and neither of us has ever felt strongly about needing 'shared' money. We simply have conversations about things and trust. We know each others banking details and what savings each other has, no one is trying to hide money. When I go off on matleave I neither want nor expect my partner to give me money - I'll dip into my own savings to keep paying half the mortgage etc and I don't have an issue with that as I have more savings - if she builds up some extra savings during my matleave then good! I only see it as a good thing if she has healthy savings. For awhile if she pays for the grocery shop instead of me for instance, it'll be just part of something that happens through joint discussion. Similarly, my partner will be taking some unpaid time off work at the end of my matleave when I go back to work, during which I wont be giving her a stipend either, but similarly might pick up more of the bills for a bit. With childcare costs we intend to split them 50/50. Different things work for different people.

You are either a family I.e. everything in the one pot or you're not.

He feels it's unfair as he's worked for it? Why is it fair you take mat leave at smp?

He's being extremely selfish and unfair to you! If he wants to save some money, he either puts it in a joint saving account or he splits it 50/50 with you.

She is unable to earn because she is home giving birth to and then taking care of their baby. He seems to think that he should keep some savings- I’d say that’s fine, at 6m old I’ll need 9-6 Saturday and Sunday for looking for work and getting work, I should warn you it might be evenings as well. I just want a fraction of the opportunity you have to put aside some savings. I look after the baby while you work, so it seems very fair.

the really important point is that when you are with someone who doesn’t think income is shared, that you make them pull their parenting and housework weight when you go back- if you’re doing pick up, he does drop off. And drop off includes getting them up, breakfast, dressed, bag packed with spare clothes, it’s not being handed a baby and packed bag to walk out the door. And in your case don’t support his overtime and networking drinks while on mat leave either. That excess money is just his so why would you struggle through solo dinner bath bed to help him earn it? He can come in, be handed a baby ti bath or be sent to the kitchen to start dinner. This must be what he wants- if he doesn’t want money all family money he can’t expect you to be 1000% into the relationship as well.

Not true. This is a blended situation. It's unfair to make the step daf pay for someone else's child.

When I go off on matleave I neither want nor expect my partner to give me money - I'll dip into my own savings to keep paying half the mortgage etc and I don't have an issue with that as I have more savings

Well, that’s nice for you.

What if you didn’t have any savings?

Marriage is good to protect the one who stays at home and fucks their career and pension up, so that when (more likely than if, these days) the couple split up they can claw back some money.
In your case, if you are the higher earner and your career won't be impacted, it's not in your interests to get married. You would do better to persuade your lower earning partner that she should stay at home unpaid .. well done on your first step towards this. You would then benefit from her providing the childcare and fucking over her own career and pension at no cost to you. If/When you split, you each walk away with what you went in with and earned during your time together.
If both are parenting equally and earning similarly, marriage is less important on this particular score but should still be compensated by/considered in other respects eg life insurances, pension rights on death, wills.

I would say it does sound unfair but all he’s actually done is been honest and say this. Our arrangement was effectively this at the start of my mat leave as I used the pathetic smp to cover some essentials (wasn’t enough for all) and everything else came out the joint account. We both used to pay £800 a month into it but he was supposed to pay in this plus some extra. I ended up starting a business and making my own money again so that arrangement never really ended up being used after the first 3 months where I was on full pay anyway. I think my partner still struggles a bit to understand why he has to go to work and I get to stay at home. It annoys me so much though when he comes in and makes any slight comment about a washing needing done or the dishwasher not being on when I’ve been running my business from home with a baby crawling through the middle of it all day 😑 I don’t think men will ever get it

I think my partner still struggles a bit to understand why he has to go to work and I get to stay at home.

Are you sat at home with your feet up? Sounds like you're busy working on a business AND looking after your child! That's bloody hard work. Out of interest, how many full days childcare has he done? I'm guessing none or he wouldn't be thinking you have it easy!

I am in favour of fully split parental leave, Scandi style, for this reason and others. Both parents qualify for paid time at home on a use it or lose it basis.

@lassof completely agree, it's a game changer. This smp business is frankly ridiculous. Why should women be out of pocket for having a baby, presumably with a man who suffers not a jot?? Shorten paid leave and make it fully paid, including benefits and pension. Then allow for equal parental leave for both parents. This way women aren't pressured into being at home and don't have their financial independence jeopardized.

I'm lucky enough to live in a country where the above is the case, men are actively involved in raising their children and many work 4 days a week in order to do so.

What have you done to make sure he gets it? Because at the first hint of that attitude I’d have taken a Saturday and said you need to clean the house while looking after baby, here’s the list of things you’ve commented on not being done at home, and since I also do a days work for income at home you can replicate that by… planning our next holiday and cleaning out the linen cupboard while you’re at it. Phone me when you’re done, I’ve packed an overnight bag in case.

Perhaps getting pregnant and proceeding to childbirth with no savings isn't a viable choice, regardless of one's domestic financial arrangements.