Feel bad as keep snapping at dd

[PmtAndFedUp]

Im so frustrated and tired (and as my username suggests I have pmt)

planned to take teen dd (13) out today. Prepped few bits last night asked her to get her things ready, reminded her what to get / pack (she has adhd and asd) . Double checked she said yes to each item that she had it etc.
In hindsight I should have looked myself. Turns out she forgot something important and I really snapped at her and ruined the day out.
Now I feel awful.

How do I apologise but still get the message across that she needs to be more organised or try to be as I seem to be doing it all wrong 😞

Maybe just say I’m sorry for snapping at you, I shouldn’t have had such a go. next time we will double check together so we don’t forget anything. She will get better at being organised as she gets older. Don’t beat yourself up, we all snap x

Yeah, we all snap or have other moments when we're not at our best. I try to apologize really openly to my daughter when I do it. I want to model for her that adults can admit they make mistakes and take responsibility for them, so I try to avoid a "but I got really frustrated BECAUSE OF YOU" kind of thing and focus on "I shouldn't have gotten in a flap at you, I could have asked you more nicely and it wasn't right of me to do that." No idea if it helps or not!!

Thanks that does help . I think I just feel guilty and am more frustrated than usual

We all get frustrated sometimes, it's normal. If she has problems with executive function, this book might be helpful... Smart but Scattered Teens: The "Executive Skills" Program for Helping Teens Reach Their Potential amzn.eu/d55pSSc

Recommend by an Ed Psych.

On the getting cross side of things, I think it's good to just be honest that it was part you and the pms not coping with it so well and it was part her in the fact that she didn't get things ready properly when asked. Helping her by her using an app (e.g. Microsoft to do) to store packing lists for different activities could be helpful in future. Letting her know what you'll do to try and not get so cross and letting her know what she can do to help would be my approach (still hard not to get cross when they swear blind they have something that you then discover they haven't got).

Thanks so much.

i think the real issue is that I also have the same conditions so I was trying extra hard to be organised whilst also trying to help her and although I’d talked it through with her, done a list, verbally checked off the items as she looked in her bag I should have actually looked in the bag myself but then I felt like it wouldn’t have helped her . My frustration levels are just high and I think whereas I’ve developed my own strategies she’s still trying and I’ve let her down by snapping when it went wrong

Go and give her a hug. It will help more than just words. You made a mistake, she made a mistake, but it's not the end of the world. Don't beat yourself up about it, I'm sure the two of you have a good, strong relationship. Explain that she needs to be organised to the best of her ability. Then try to have a lovely day. I hope you feel better soon. 💐