Partner working with ex

Kambur52 · 2022-06-13T11:34:36+00:00

We have been together for 8 years and have children together. He's working in a highly paid job doing very important things. There was a job opening and I'm pretty sure his ex will apply and get the job. They were together for 7 years and I know he regrets leaving her. She's beautiful, has no children and everybody loves her. I'm very insecure and I know I couldnt deal with them working closely and meeting on regular basis... Im pretty sure he would leave me for her. He would choose his job over me and the kids if I would make him choose between the two. Are my feelings not right? Am I being unreasonable?

pinkyredrose · 13/06/2022 12:36

Really? You know he regrets leaving her? He has a job doing 'very important things'? Lol!

Original poster

Kambur52 · 13/06/2022 12:39

I don't understand your answer?
He once told me when I asked that he regrets her, but that he wouldnt want to be with her.. but thats alot for little insecure me. When I say important I mean that the public voted for him.

OP posts:

Lobelia123 · 13/06/2022 12:42

Don't lose yourself. He may employ his ex, he may work with her very closely - he may fall in love with her all over again, or he might find her a little tedious or high maintenance in retrospect. You cant control what he does. In fact, your obsessive fears may push him towards the one thing you fear the most. The one tangible thing you CAN do is not to lose yourself in your fears and insecurities. All you have in life is yourself. Stop thinking about them and this situation all the time. Focus on yourself. Make your happiness and peace of mind come from something inside of you, and not from your relationship with him. I know this is all very woowoo, but its a hard lesson I had to learn and Ive found it to be true.

RaininSummer · 13/06/2022 12:44

Well it sounds like it's out of your control to a degree so I guess trust what he says unless you have reason not to in which case be vigilant. Don't drive him away by being paranoid and assuming the worst. I presume he loves you and his children and has chosen that route.

Tiani4 · 13/06/2022 12:46

She's his ex. You are who he has chosen. He can't dictate where his ex works so I think you should set aside any ideas you have a say in his work arrangements

Of course you shouldn't say he has to choose between DCs and you and his career i this circumstance!!' His ex would have a discrimination claim if he managed her out from his work place based on insecurities of his current partner even as mother of his DCs!

drlel · 13/06/2022 13:02

You seem to know a lot about a partners ex that he's not been with for 8 years +

How do you know she's attractive, everyone lives her or that she's even interested in the job? Does youR DH tell you this? It's definitely weird that he told you he regrets things didn't work with her anyway which is why I'm asking

Original poster

Kambur52 · 13/06/2022 13:26

She's a public person, if she changes jobs it comes on the news, she recently quit her job, and this new job is in her hometown where her parents live, and its perfect for her just by looking at her previous job (CEO in a major company). So thats why I think she will be applying for this job..

My mother in law once cried when she talked about her, so I assume they miss her a lot.

When I moved in with my partner á lot of her stuff was still there, photos, personal items between them etc..(she did not recently move out of there though). He keeps all of the photos of them together and just photos of her in a secret folder in his computer.. and he was still trying to talk to her when I met him (sending her messages etc). Thats why I asked if he regrets her.

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drlel · 13/06/2022 13:35

Oh that sounds tough OP. I wouldn't like it either....don't think many people would

Is your DH the type of person you can be open about your insecurities with (in a calm & mature way). I don't think he can avoid working with her but if he's a decent guy he should try to reassure you.

AlternativePerspective · 13/06/2022 13:35

Did you have children with him to keep him OP?

Because assuming you didn’t and that you went on to have children because your relationship grew and developed, you can’t really judge the situation now for what it was 7 years ago.

If you’ve always been this insecure and you had the children in the hope that he would stay with you because of it, then the relationship was never meant to last anyway.

But FWIW if I got a job working with my ex and my partner told me to choose between him and my job I’d choose my job, purely because I won’t be dictated to like that.

Original poster

Kambur52 · 13/06/2022 13:39

Lobelia123 · 13/06/2022 12:42

Don't lose yourself. He may employ his ex, he may work with her very closely - he may fall in love with her all over again, or he might find her a little tedious or high maintenance in retrospect. You cant control what he does. In fact, your obsessive fears may push him towards the one thing you fear the most. The one tangible thing you CAN do is not to lose yourself in your fears and insecurities. All you have in life is yourself. Stop thinking about them and this situation all the time. Focus on yourself. Make your happiness and peace of mind come from something inside of you, and not from your relationship with him. I know this is all very woowoo, but its a hard lesson I had to learn and Ive found it to be true.

Love this :)
I'm just not sure I'm capable of doing this, as much as I would want to. I'm very broken, I don't like or love myself. I'm seeing á specialist to work on that. I was abused when I was younger and I'm very insecure in life overall. I think that this situation would be to much for me. I know its selfish asking him to quit his job but I know myself. For me, this is the worst thing that could happen in my relationship. It would seriously be better if he cheats with some random girl.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kambur52 · 13/06/2022 13:44

drlel · 13/06/2022 13:35

Oh that sounds tough OP. I wouldn't like it either....don't think many people would

Is your DH the type of person you can be open about your insecurities with (in a calm & mature way). I don't think he can avoid working with her but if he's a decent guy he should try to reassure you.

I tried. Asked him if we could talk about this insecurity of mine regarding this situation and he said no, that it would be a waste of energy. Which makes me even more insecure, not being allowed to open up. It's really hard for me talking about this and it was hard just asking for this conversation..

OP posts:

ElenaSt · 13/06/2022 13:48

He chose to have children with you so that makes you a preferred choice over his ex who he did t have children with.

Work on your self esteem. Confident and happy people attract others and if you are feeling low all the time that low energy rubs off on others.

AlternativePerspective · 13/06/2022 13:49

You absolutely can’t insist he quits his job OP. You just can’t.

If it was him who was applying to work with the ex then maybe you could have a discussion with him, but wanting him to quit his job because his ex may go and work there is incredibly unreasonable and controlling.

Original poster

Kambur52 · 13/06/2022 13:49

AlternativePerspective · 13/06/2022 13:35

Did you have children with him to keep him OP?

Because assuming you didn’t and that you went on to have children because your relationship grew and developed, you can’t really judge the situation now for what it was 7 years ago.

If you’ve always been this insecure and you had the children in the hope that he would stay with you because of it, then the relationship was never meant to last anyway.

But FWIW if I got a job working with my ex and my partner told me to choose between him and my job I’d choose my job, purely because I won’t be dictated to like that.

No they were all planed by us both.
Only reason why I would ask him to choose is just because I know myself, I wouldn't be able to handle the situation, I would have to remove myself from it, but I love him and I don't want to leave him. So I'm just putting this decision into his hands. I have told him that I couldn't sit by while he's working with her. Just waiting for something bad to happen because of my insecurities.

OP posts:

stepuporshutup · 13/06/2022 13:50

Op she is an ex for a reason. Please remember that my lovely and don't put yourself down you are not second best
Please remember that

Original poster

Kambur52 · 13/06/2022 13:55

AlternativePerspective · 13/06/2022 13:49

You absolutely can’t insist he quits his job OP. You just can’t.

If it was him who was applying to work with the ex then maybe you could have a discussion with him, but wanting him to quit his job because his ex may go and work there is incredibly unreasonable and controlling.

I know. I know it's not cool asking someone to choose between their job or their partner.

But I also know that I would feel so insecure if they would work together, because of all that I just replied previously here above, that it just couldnt work. I would be a wreck and I cant put myself through that, or my children having a mom that's constantly feeling bad.
Should I just leave then, instead of asking him to make that decision?

OP posts:

Nowomenaroundeh · 13/06/2022 15:02

I think you're tackling the wrong issue.

You seem to feel certain that if it was in his hands then he would choose her.

Job V us is a smokescreen.

You need to sit down, talk, ask the hard questions and listen to the answers eg.

Do you love me and only me?
If you could do it over would you rather be with her?
If she asked you to leave me would you consider it?

Being in a relationship where you feel so unstable is not good for you.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/06/2022 17:05

OP you are catastrophising. You have already, in your mind, decided that you're going to leave your husband, based on a load of things that haven't yet happened, purely because of your own insecurity. Do you see how unhealthy that is? You're willing to remove your children from a shared home with their father, based on you being unable to manage your anxiety about things that have not happened.

Your fear of possible pain if the relationship ends is driving you to experience the definite pain of the relationship ending.

You mentioned you were seeing a specialist - I would suggest talking this whole thing through at length with them.

Right now you've a huge list of things that would need to happen before any of this should become a real, actual concern.

Ex would need to apply for the job
Would need to be offered the job
Would need to accept the job
Would need to start the role and work closely with your H
Would need to be interested in re-kindling things with your H
Your H would need to be interested in re-kindling things
Would need to look at your children and think "Fuck these kids, I'm off to bang a hottie, LOL"
Would need to decide to massively disrupt his own, his children's and your lives in pursuit of a failed relationship that he ended a decade or so ago

That's a huge list of unknowns and things you can't control. Your anxiety must be tormenting you. Can you just live one day at a time for now until you can get this in perspective?

AgentJohnson · 14/06/2022 01:36

Given the level of your anxiety it’s difficult to determine what’s real or imagined.

Just because he might not leave his job to pander to your anxiety doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or wants to be with his Ex, he might just not want his life to be controlled by your anxiety. I don’t think you realise how you’ve chosen to handle your anxiety, negatively impacts your relationship. My advice to your H would be not to let his life be controlled by his wife’s illness.

i hope that the professional support you are receiving frees you from your intrusive negative thoughts.

Opentooffers · 14/06/2022 03:04

This was a situation waiting to happen unfortunately. From how you have described the memorabilia of her in his flat when you met, it's clear as day that he wasn't over her. The problem is that on seeing this, most people would of gone no further and steared clear of him. Possibly having been abused in the past has left you in an insecure state in general, which over time has become a familiar state for you and you may even be too comfortable with it at a certain level, that would explain why you didn't swerve him years ago and instead tolerated it all.
You are approaching the level of anxiety about it now that you can't tolerate ( it's a much higher level of tolerance than others usually have).
Unfortunately, there is no easy answer, you can't undo not having left him at the start when you should of. He is feeding your insecurity further by shutting you down rather than giving reassurance.
What is her situation meantime? Does she have a partner or DH? It takes 2 to have a relationship, so she may not be interested regardless of his thoughts about it.
At the moment you are panicking about something that might not happen. You could do a wait and see, then deal with it if it occurs. It won't look good for people in the public eye to be having an affair.

Catlover1970 · 14/06/2022 04:09

Lobelia123 · 13/06/2022 12:42

Don't lose yourself. He may employ his ex, he may work with her very closely - he may fall in love with her all over again, or he might find her a little tedious or high maintenance in retrospect. You cant control what he does. In fact, your obsessive fears may push him towards the one thing you fear the most. The one tangible thing you CAN do is not to lose yourself in your fears and insecurities. All you have in life is yourself. Stop thinking about them and this situation all the time. Focus on yourself. Make your happiness and peace of mind come from something inside of you, and not from your relationship with him. I know this is all very woowoo, but its a hard lesson I had to learn and Ive found it to be true.

Easier said than done when he’s said he regrets leaving her!!!!!

Catlover1970 · 14/06/2022 04:18

in hindsight this relationship was never going to work given your level if anxiety and the fact he regrets leaving his ex. I feel so sad for you. Even if she doesn’t go for this job she is always going to be be an undermining issue in your Relationship preventing you being secure and happy

VioletToes · 14/06/2022 04:23

OP perhaps the ex doesn't even want to be with your dh??

Honestly, the way you're reacting on here, if you're like this in real life, you sound like really hard work!

It's good you are seeing someone about your issues. But please, try to look at this from the angle that your dh loves you and your DC

Portiasparty · 14/06/2022 04:23

I'm not actually sure it's all about you OP and your insecurities. I don't want to increase your fears but it seems to me your partner isn't making you feel better about the situation. His refusing to talk about it is not good. I'm not saying you should need constant reassurance, that would wear anyone down, but you should at least be able to have a few conversations about it.

It's awful that both your partner and your MiL seem to be in thrall to this woman. No wonder you feel undermined. Why did they split up, btw, if she's such a paragon?

I can understand why you're questioning the relationship. It's not really about the job but more about your partner not making you feel like you're special to him.

BadNomad · 14/06/2022 04:43

You saw a job become available, and now you want to nuke your family. That is extreme. You don't even know that she's going to apply for the job. You're trying to take action against your partner now for something that may or may not happen in the future. That isn't fair and isn't going to fix anything. You just need to keep working on your mental health.