Hi OP, it's good that you have re read your original post and know what you need to do. I'm sure if a friend confided to you what you have here to us, you would be helping them with ways to exit this unhappy relationship.
To me, it looks very much as if he has anger and/or alcohol issues. He abuses you verbally, he hasn't really processed or accepted your apology for calling him a POS in a private chat to a friend when he had broken up with you and continues to hold this over you and you will never escape it as he enjoys weaponising your own words (how very dare you!) against you when he has a reason (any random reason, it seems) to be annoyed at you.
For example the drinks/town/lift scenario: my relationship isn't perfect, it's fiery, we argue, we annoy each other, but no way would this happen in our world. neither of us overindulges in alcohol, no. 1, and no. 2 my husband organises his own transport and would not get me out of bed for a lift home unless he was totally stranded and unable to get a cab, or we had prearranged I was going to come in for him. Then, if I had come to get him, but had prematurely hung up as you describe, he would be grateful for the lift and perhaps ask 'what happened back there?'. But NO WAY would he start abusing me. Just. NO.
The reason you struggle with the feeling that this may be your fault could be due to how you processed or experienced things as a child, your own self esteem issues, or maybe because that's what he keeps telling you, so you have internalised it? I don't know... but a therapist could help you work through these thoughts. One thing's for sure, your partner isn't going to help! He is the one making you feel as if it's all your fault; you're the one to blame and that's nice and convenient for him, isn't it? If you are really such a nightmare, then why is he still there? Why hasn't he moved on out already? Why does he keep threatening it? What's in it for him to stay I wonder? Is it because he's getting his kicks from abusing you. Making you feel like shit and making you feel miserable and worthless so that he can indulge his power complex and make you think that he is some prize worth hanging on to for dear life? I'm sorry OP, but the way it works in abusive relationships is that the abuser makes the victim think they are the ones at fault, not the abuser. Clever really, isn't it? Read any of the relationships threads here, and look up DARVO and see if it resonates.
You are too close to the issue to really see it clearly. You have too much wrapped up in it as your lives are so interwoven, you tend to excuse and think "What have I done? Why am I so shit?". But you are not shit, everything you listed that he has freaked out about is completely an over reaction and frankly, he's bullying you. To make up for his own inadequacies and self loathing, he is projecting it onto you.
I just want to c&p some of your words back to you here so that if you read them you can see the pattern that an outsider with an objective view would see:
- he has resorted to calling me names when we fight. Names he uses a lot - stupid, P.O.S. and bit*h.
- his reaction to many things are over the top.
- he reacts to things I don't think most people would even notice or care about.
- he snooped through my Facebook account so he read the entire conversation I had with this friend.
- He was furious.
- I have apologized profusely
- he still throws that in my face every time we fight.
- he called me to pick him up.
- I was home and sober.
- he claims I hung up on him mid sentence.
- He was furious.
- I tried to talk to him when I picked him up
- he just became angrier and angrier
- yelling and calling me a P.O.S over and over (even my car is P.O.S)
- he said he is doing everything he can to be able to move out and get his own place.
- He was a bit drunk and extremely mean.
- This morning he was acting as if nothing happened and our plans were still on.
- I'm still really upset
- I let him know this and told him I would not be joining him for the day.
- his reaction = Angry
- he believed his behaviour last night was justified.
- he thinks I'm being disrespectful for canceling on him and his friends at the last minute.
- no apologies.
You describe him being
FURIOUS twice. Once because you dissed him to a friend during a break up (which he discovered via snooping! = major breach of trust boundary red flag) and the second time because you hung up on him when he hadn't finished speaking. A perfectly human mistake to make but one that he has interpreted as an insult to him and a sign of disrespect.
When he'd ripped shreds out of you verbally the night before, and you said next morning you didn't want to spend the day with him because of that and the fact that he was behaving as if nothing had happened, you say his reaction was ANGRY. At you. The person he's supposed to love? No desire or instinct to talk it out calmly or try to understand your POV?
He wants to blame you and vent at you and make you really, really FEEL like a POS. This man doesn't really love you, it doesn't even sound as if he really likes himself very much either. You will be SO much happier when you aren't walking on eggshells around him, being gaslit, attacked and blamed for everything.
Imagine if all this was playing out in front of a small child? How difficult it would be if you were on ML and dependent on his income to supplement your MP and he exploited that and the abuse got worse? More frequent, more intense, and physical too?
Speak to Women's Aid, they will help you organise your thoughts and steps for leaving him or getting him to leave depending on your situation. Definitely get some advice on this, as I think he manipulates you and will try to wheedle and cajole or blow up and frighten you whatever method to try to get you to rethink and not pursue a break up, and I think you need to be prepared for this and have a well thought out plan that you can action with support and confidence, Get support around you, people you can trust. Don't worry about the immediate fallout from a break up ie the impact on wider friends and family, that always seems awful to contemplate but people move on, they have their own lives and difficulties. They will adapt and so will you. In fact, if you take the steps to advocate for yourself and liberate yourself from someone toxic and harmful, you will blossom and THRIVE.