Why have I started thinking of her?

[whitebunnies]

When I was 16 I became friends with a girl at school. As time went on she was always sarcastic with people and would make sly digs at me and others. When I was 21 she was downright horrible to me for no reason one night. After I dropped her off I called my boyfriend and he came out to me late at night as I was sobbing my eyes out.

She got in touch a year later through email as we had caught eyes walking past each other at the shops. I replied back and said I don't want to be put down again. She promised not do it again but went back to her old ways. I was able to phase it out as I did not see her much as I spent time with my boyfriend. When I was 29 we lost touch for a few years as I made some new friends. She contacted me when I was 34 asking to catch up. I was surprised at how well we got on and thought she 'had changed'. The final straw was in December 2019 I had some very bad auto immune issues and was sacked being off work long term sick so I was unemployed. She said I was lazy for not working. Now having ill health was very unusual for me and I never rang in sick till my ill health. I never once said to her she was lazy when she claimed benefits as she could not work with depression.

I blocked her on Facebook in December 2019 after she called me lazy as I felt so low being ill, wanting to work then being accused of being lazy by a 'friend'. She sent me a birthday and Christmas card the same month of the blocking but I never responded. I felt I had to block her as she always thinks its ok to put me down and don't want to be around people like that. I also didn't like her partner as he is a domestic abuser and would punch walls and cupboards and screaming one time I was at his which frightened me.

I went past her house recently and out of curiosity I looked her up on social media. I noticed she recently re-added some people she fell out with many years ago but they were not nice people. I don't know why I feel I miss her but know she will never change.

Anyone got any advice please? Best to leave her blocked?

Of course leave her blocked. Find other things and other people to occupy your mind!

I had a best friend growing up who was manipulative and slightly controlling. I couldn't see it at the time but my family and some other friends could.

We were so close, even lived together for a bit when we were about 21. The friendship broke down as often happens with these friendships. But even now, years later I still feel a pull towards her. I know she isn't a good friend or someone I should have in my life but I still check in, albeit not very often anymore.

My advice would be to leave it. These people don't change and it's not your job to try to make them. It's hard when you have so much love for someone but it's the best for you, your mental health and your family.

I had a similar friendship and up until a few years ago, I used to look her up and wonder about her. I didn't really miss her though. Why I cared about someone who had been abusive to me and then later, to my own child, really bothered me. I was annoyed with myself for giving her the head space.
Many years ago, we shared a flat together. We had worked together. So our history was significant. It was just friendship, nothing more, in case you wondered. But it was a strange friendship, definitely abusive with a pattern of her elevating me, almost mesmerised by me, then really sticking it to me, humiliating me in front of others, excluding me, criticising me, spreading malicious gossip about me, then back to elevating me. Trauma bonding, is what I put it down to. She was a very messed up individual who, like so many messed up individuals, have this wonderful capacity to make people around them believe they are very solid, very stable, while you're the lazy, weak, broken, wounded one. And they really, really kick you when you're down.
I think there's a lot of narcissism thrown into their abusive nature to help fuel their totally dysfunctional behaviour and personalities. What you can be sure of is that you're not the only one she's made or is making unhappy. People like your former friend, like my own former friend, are emotional leeches who feed off the misery they create in relationships. It's a need. It's a compulsion. And you just have to switch the lights off this person completely.
I never think about this friend now. I think people like this come from a long line of abuse, neglect, and dysfunction. It's almost part of their DNA and there's nothing to do but absolutely not give them any head space.
I do wonder why you miss her though. I wonder why you're not angry with her.