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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mum passed away then 2 weeks later husband starts divorce

21 replies

Amandaj22 · 12/06/2022 19:00

First time posting looking for help advice, in September 21 my husband said out of the blue he didn't love me anymore, I went into complete shock and my 1st thing was to try and keep the house kids and dog together so we drew up a separation Co habitting agreement, all was civil, my mum then became unwell in November 21 and watching her decline and eventually pass away in February 22 was awful for me. 2 weeks after she was burried and out of the blue he says you will get an email from my solicitor about a divorce, again I went into shock thinking why now let me grieve for my mum (I also now have to look after my nearly 80 year old dad)
He has been awful to me though the marriage both physically and mentally never supported me etc, after an incident at the home of him bullying me I felt I could take no more and was off to join my mum, luckily my dad called the police and they brought me home and had a word with him, i had to undergo a mental health assessment where the outcome was I've been a victim of domestic abuse. I've been on antidepressants for 21 years been married24 years. Now I have to face my home where I feel safe will have to be sold as hes the breadwinner I gave up my career to bring the kids up. I'm probably having to rent somewhere when the time comes but everything about where I feel safe he's taking away from me and I feel scared. I do have a solicitor acting for me, but whys he done

OP posts:

Original poster

Amandaj22 · 12/06/2022 19:06

This to me so soon after my mum passing away, he also won't move out of the home which is really hard going mentally for me sorry for the long post

OP posts:

gamerchick · 12/06/2022 19:19

You probably don't feel like it now but you'll probably be a lot happier without him. He doesnt sound very nice in general and he's done it because he's not very nice in general. In your shoes id have started job hunting back in September. Scary place to be in when you rely on someone financially and your partner is a knob. You should probably see a solicitor

Sorry about your mother. It's properly crap timing on his part

Original poster

Amandaj22 · 12/06/2022 19:36

Thank you I do have my own small self employed business but no where earn as much as him.

OP posts:

damnthisvirusandmarriage · 12/06/2022 20:13

If there been DA womens aid will help you get legal aid x

CPL593H · 12/06/2022 20:16

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum and everything else you're going through. It will be difficult to believe at the moment but you will come through this and you will be OK.

Bouledeneige · 12/06/2022 20:31

So sorry for your loss OP. It is awful timing and unkind and cruel. I know it doesn't feel like it but he's done you a favour that will benefit your life hugely. You've been living with an abuser and have been bullied into submission by him. It's terribly difficult to get away from someone abusive and often dangerous but he given you a way out. Get the legal advice and start exploring how you can support yourself and your kids. You need to do this for yourself and your DC.

Their lives and yours will be infinitely better than growing up with and bearing DA. It's very very hard but you need to take charge now and plan for your better life. Because it will be way better.

caringcarer · 12/06/2022 20:38

Sorry your Mum passed away OP. Your DH has shown how selfish he is by choosing the time you are feeling low and vulnerable and grieving your Mum to ask for divorce. The shit thing is he has probably chosen this moment as he thinks you won't feel up to fighting him for your share of marital goods. Don't let him carry on abusing you. Fight back for you and your children.

GreyCarpet · 12/06/2022 20:46

I was in a very similar position.

I'm no contact with my mother my dad died and I discovered husband's affair 2 weeks to the day later.

After a rather tumultuous 6 weeks, I decided that I could either let it define me and the rest of my life or draw a line under it and make a fresh start. The following 12 months, I made the best ever. I did things I couldn't have done had my husband still been there and told my dad everything I was doing knowing he'd have been proud of me.

Honestly, it a shit thing to happen but what happens next really is down to you x

McNulty1 · 13/06/2022 00:43

It blows my mind how someone who married you and all you asked from one another was to just stick together. I am so sorry he did that to you and that you are o.k.

McNulty1 · 13/06/2022 00:49

I am a grandma so even though I am not technically a mum as in they are still dependant on me, I feel like one to my grandchildren.

Original poster

Amandaj22 · 13/06/2022 06:24

Thankyou for all the kind messages I've woken up this morning still feeling lost just can't relate as to how he's robbed me of my time to grieve for my mum cause now I'm consumed full of worry about divorce x

OP posts:

gamerchick · 13/06/2022 06:27

Please speak to a solicitor. As a PP pointed out, he could have done it so you won't fight what he's going to dish out next. I'm so sorry.

HollowTalk · 13/06/2022 06:38

I'm so sorry you have lost your lovely mum.

He's done you a huge favour really. You have had a really unhappy marriage and now you are getting rid of him.

You must make sure you get a good solicitor and don't discuss things with your husband but just say that your solicitor is dealing with everything. Your solicitor should let you pay at the end.

How is your dad?

ChoiceMummy · 13/06/2022 07:16

Amandaj22 · 13/06/2022 06:24

I suppose to turn that on its head, he'd wanted to proceed when he first told you the issues I imagine and so has been courteous in giving you the time with your mum and then decided that now that has ended, that he also wishes to continue with his life and the new direction.

You've been married a long time, had children? So you'll most likely be entitled to quite a lot of equity, plus half of assets or more, depending on what goes on.
I'd be advising you to take photos of all investments, pension plans, savings accounts etc he has and ensure that you're getting your fair share.. Sadly, there was never going to be a good time if your mum was ill, now you're responsible for your dad etc.
Yes he could have waited, but I suppose to ask the question would next week, next month really have been any preferable? There's rarely a "good time" for that announcement.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 13/06/2022 07:29

I’m sorry you lost your mum 💐💐💐

Its shit timing, agreed, but you can’t turn the clock back, and it definitely definitely IS the time to draw up a plan. Contact Women’s Aid. Get some legal help, and channel the sadness into anger and determination to get rid of this man in your life.
Do it for your kids sake. Make your mum proud of you.

Ohtoberoavingagain · 13/06/2022 07:48

I’m so sorry you lost your mum.

You will honestly be better off with your husband out of your life.
My advice would be, don’t sign anything he gives you, don’t agree to anything he proposes. Refer him to your solicitor every time. You are entitled to 50% of assets so start making a list of those, find evidence of any savings, pensions, investments even if ( especially if) they’re in your husband’s sole name.

24 years of abuse has worn you down, I only put up with it for 5 and I was an exhausted wreck when I got out. You will be strong again, you will survive this. 💐

FrancescaContini · 13/06/2022 07:50

I’m so sorry to read this. He’s a cruel, nasty, selfish arsehole and in years to come you’ll be pleased he’s out of your life.
For now 🌷and look after yourself.

Butterfly44 · 13/06/2022 07:57

He's an awful person. You should absolutely say that his timing could be better.
He may be the breadwinner but it will be taken in account, your the mother with kids and you won't be left with nothing.
In time you'll feel free and able to love someone who adores you x

GoldenSongbird · 13/06/2022 08:01

I'm so sorry about your DM.

As for your ex, it seems difficult now but getting divorced is actually the best option. Talk to people in RL.

Carve out some time each week to relax and some time to think about your DM or mark her memory. Your ex hasn't stolen your time to grieve. He's actually given you the absolute gift of a future without an abusive partner. Your DM would be so happy that you're going to escape this abusive relationship.

season2 · 13/06/2022 08:26

I'm very sorry. It may sound crass but did your Mum leave you an inheritance, this could be why he waited as he'll presumably be entitled to half.

Orchidsonthetable · 13/06/2022 08:42

I’m so sorry about your mum and hope you can find some peace.

if you take a step back you were already seperated for six months, and divorce you’d have know was inevitable. His timing was awful though, but I imagine he was just waiting to do it.

as hard as it is, it’s time to now focus on thr practicalities. How much equity is in the house, do you have pensions and how much is the value, (note for divorce it’s not a simple what’s in the pot) do you have any savings between you.what benefits are you entitled to. Inc potentially carers allowance for your dad, how old are the kids and where will they live.

it’s been three months since he told you, work with your solicitor now, focus on the practicalities, as daunting as it is, you will be fine and likely much happier

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