Dh taking his stress about ds on me

[Harold63]

Our son is a teenager and has ASD. He is really struggling with life at the moment, very bad anxiety, possibly low level depression etc. It’s awful for him and pretty miserable for us.

The problem is that as soon as my son is down which tbh is most of the time, dh massively overacts (not in front of ds) but to me ‘the whole day is ruined’ - ‘if x happens ds is going to be a nightmare the whole day’ etc etc. I feel the same but try to keep optimistic about things. I do understand his worry about ds.

But then it turns into other stuff. He’s snappy and rude, makes sarky comments about things I do and just generally makes things pretty miserable at home. It’s really getting to me. I have the same concerns about ds but if ds is having a bad day I just try my best to support him and then get on with things, dh becomes morose and horrible and takes it all out on me. I just don’t know what to do, I’m really getting to the end of my tether with it and as he lies here asleep next to me I’m actually dreading him waking up and ruining another day. It’s so sad because he really is a wonderful, caring, thoughtful and kind husband - UNLESS ds is down in which case he’s what I have to deal with now. I have tried talking to him about it but nothing changes.

DS is getting brilliant support for his stuff already from professionals, he’s made some improvement already but I really can’t handle the health of my relationship with dh being entirely dependent on DS!

Any ideas on what to do? Thanks.

I would snap back at him, "It's not DS ruining the day, it's you. Actually you need to take a long, hard look at your behaviour and act like an adult. I'm not your emotional fucking punchbag and I have feelings too."

But I have a really short fuse with adults (including my DH) having strops and making life tougher than it needs to be. I have walked away from days out before because my DH is being a grumpy arse and refuses to stop.

It is slightly different for you as you will of course feel that you have to be there for your DS but, honestly, if I woke up feeling how you do this morning, I would walk out of the house, have a day to myself and leave them both to it.

Thanks @ChocolateHippo. Ds is fine this morning so think we are going to be allowed to have a nice day but I’m seething still because I know if ds wasn’t the sort of day I’d be having. Btw ds isn’t aware of all this (I hope).

I have spoken to dh about not being an emotional punchbag (without using those words!) but it has no effect. If I walked off and left them for the day (if ds was having a bad day) I think ds would see it as me ‘punishing’ him for being depressed/anxious so I’m a bit stuck on that front.

So he “ really is a wonderful, caring, thoughtful and kind husband “ when everything is going his way and life is easy.

But when things are tough, he is negative and “ snappy and rude, makes sarky comments about things I do and just generally makes things pretty miserable at home”.

He doesn’t sound like a great husband to me.

I think you're going to have to call him out on it every single time he does it. Also, I don't see how your DS can be completely unaware of this going on...essentially, his father grumps and sulks and treats his mother appallingly every time he's having a bad day. I'm sure you've said all this to your DH (so apologies for saying it again!), but surely it's better for your DS if he has a happy and stable home life in the background that doesn't completely revolve around him and the difficulties that he is facing. It's a lot of pressure for an anxious and depressed teen to have the whole mood of the household depending on them.

if I woke up feeling how you do this morning, I would walk out of the house, have a day to myself and leave them both to it.

@ChocolateHippo DS hasn't done anything wrong though, to be walked out on. OP could have a day out with him and it would be ok.

surely it's better for your DS if he has a happy and stable home life in the background that doesn't completely revolve around him and the difficulties that he is facing. It's a lot of pressure for an anxious and depressed teen to have the whole mood of the household depending on them.

The mood of the house doesn't depend on DS, it's due to how OP's husband is acting. DS could have a day where he's clearly depresssed and in another family it wouldn't majorly effect the mood of the house, because the husband wasn't stropping around.

Leave h to it. Take ds out for a walk or anything to change the atmosphere

USE the words as @ChocolateHippo says! Be blunt and absolutely zero tolerance about h making a difficult situation impossible when he DOES have a choice in how he reacts

He is not a "wonderful, caring, thoughtful and kind husband"

It's easy to be those things when life's easy.
It's how you behave when there are challenges that shows who you really are.

It's also not just about him being a fair weather husband though is it? What kind of father is he being given he acts like this when his son needs his support the most?

I agree with you @MzHz on leaving the DH by himself, but I wasn't sure how easy it would be to get a depressed teen out of the house. The best solution would be to take DS out and leave the DH to stew by himself. That's what I'd do with my 5yo. But I'm not how effectively that would work with an older child and the OP may feel she has to stick around if her DS won't go out to be there for him. It's a tough one.

Thanks all. Dh is very caring and supportive towards ds and then stroppy with me when ds isn’t there so hopefully ds isn’t picking up on it TOOO much. I agree, adding the pressure of feeling responsible for the mood of the whole household is only going to add to the pressure ds is under.

I’ve had some very frank words with dh about his behaviour. He initially said I was exaggerating etc kept demanding examples and then
said he couldn’t help how he felt then I went off to do some bits in the garden (and left him to stew) and he came out later and apologised saying he acknowledged he wasn’t coping well with ds’s problems at the moment.

Which is all very well and good but will anything really change? Sadly I doubt it.

Has he had therapy about how ds health affects him?

@MzHz no. He had a couple of sessions during lockdown with someone because he was quite down. He said he didn't find them helpful though.
I might have to ask him to try again with someone new because we can't carry on the way we are now. I'm just staying above the water managing myself and my own worries about our son without also having to deal with his shitty behaviour.