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Original poster

Invisible on BFs Facebook

22 replies

Banthafodder · 12/06/2022 09:18

I know social media is a minefield in relationships, but would you find it odd if you were basically invisible on your OHs Facebook account?
Last night, for example - we were out together on a big night out - an event I’d bought him tickets to for his birthday a couple of years ago that had previously been postponed due to Covid. Out for a nice meal together first. BF checks in to the venue on FB - but doesn’t tag me or mention he’s with me.
Generally speaking, he doesn’t reply when I tag him on posts, etc (will comment about them to me in person instead), and the good old ‘relationship status’ still reads ‘divorced’ rather than ‘in a relationship’.
Should I feel offended?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 12/06/2022 09:20

God I couldn't be bothered to get wound up about fb if everything else is good. Is he very active on it? My DP is never on his, and is still 'single' on it 😂 as I am! My relationship is private, I hate seeing them plastered all over fb. If you trust him and have a good partnership then that is what matters.

ShuffleCase · 12/06/2022 09:21

yeh that’s quite off. Maybe speak to him about it and explain you feel a bit like a secret or that he isn’t as serious about your relationship as you are (assuming that’s how you feel). He might amend his behaviour if he understands it’s important to you.

MsMoody · 12/06/2022 09:21

Hmm… a few years ago when Facebook was more lively I would’ve been bothered. Now that it’s a bit of a ghost town it wouldn’t offend me too much. But if he is quite active on there I would expect a mention now and again.

RhiRhi1996 · 12/06/2022 09:22

From the information given it is too vague to know. From what you've said, maybe he just doesn't usually tag people ? If he is at an event with others does he usually tag them?

As for the relationship status, some may say its silly & doesn't matter. But I'd think they weren't taking the relationship seriously if they still kept there status as divorced. But context is needed, like how long you've been together / how serious it is.

If its making you Insecure, why not mention it & talk to him about it and see what he says ?

frozendaisy · 12/06/2022 09:25

We didn't change our relationship status until 2 1/2 years after our wedding and even them we toyed with the idea of putting "it's complicated". But I know it bothers some people.

Original poster
Banthafodder · 12/06/2022 09:31

@OrlandointheWilderness Some really good points, thank you. It’s not that I want to be plastered all over his feed, don’t want / expect millions of selfies together, etc - but I would have thought it fairy usual to tag the person you’re with if you’re going to the bother of posting about being at event?

OP posts:
Crimeismymiddlename · 12/06/2022 09:41

It depends if he tags other people he is with, if he doesn’t then it’s fine if he does then yes I would worry you are being hidden.
The relationship status is not really a thing now.

me4real · 12/06/2022 09:43

I would be annoyed. Changing relationship status, although some couples mightn't, is often seen as the point where a relationship becomes official.

And even if he doesn't do stuff with tags, he could mention you in stuff occasionally on there.

11Hawkins · 12/06/2022 09:43

When I used to have Facebook my status wasn't on there at all, in fact I was asked a lot if I was still with DH (despite having two kids) as his existence wasn't on my Facebook at all.

I don't think it's that big of a deal, Facebook is like MySpace nowadays it's dying off.

burnoutbabe · 12/06/2022 09:52

Just tag him yourself?

Assuming he doesn't delete your tags then everyone will know you are dating. It's fairly obvious when a new couple starts and are tagging each other on stuff.

ADHDgirls · 12/06/2022 18:32

My DP is similar and I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. He doesn’t have FB but does have Instagram and Twitter, I’ve never been mentioned on any of these, neither has he ever posted any pics of us, anywhere, not mention of me at all. I have been worrying about it recently so I know how you feel. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not 🤷🏻‍♀️ SM+relationships are a minefield you’re right.

Original poster
Banthafodder · 12/06/2022 23:02

Thank you @ADHDgirls , though sorry to hear you’re questioning things a bit, too. In the grand scheme of things, I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but sometimes you want to feel like your BF is proud to be with you! Especially when you’re sharing a special experience, I think?

OP posts:
ilovelurchers · 13/06/2022 00:16

Depends partly on how long you have been together, and also how big a user of Facebook he is?

I am not even friends with my husband on Facebook! But though he has an account, he only has about 20 friends on it and hardly ever posts anything as far as I understand it. So I'm almost certain I am invisible on his, which doesn't bother me.

I am a more active user on Facebook, and yes there are a few pictures of me and him on my Facebook, at Xmas and so forth. Given the amount I post, if he was totally absent then yes, that would be odd.....

It's probably nothing sinister, but worth mentioning (in a low key way) if it bothers you. I think most men, while they might not think about something like this, would probably make the effort to be better about it when they realise it bothers someone. I actually remember a few years ago, a male friend telling me that his then fiance had raised exactly the same issue (they lived in different countries at the time, so one could understand she might feel insecure maybe) and he did make some effort to post pictures of the two of them together, comment on her posts etc.....

TabbyKat87 · 13/06/2022 00:34

Sorry, but to check in on FB and not tag the person you're with is really odd. I know loads of people don't care about SM, and think it's all ridiculous, but those who do use it know how weird that would be so I understand why you're a bit nervous by it. I would be too.

I'd just ask him though, say you've noticed it and think it's a bit strange and ask if he realises he's doing it? Or if there's a particular reason.

How long have you been going out? Is he very active on SM? If he is, and no trace of you at all then that would be a major red flag for me.

Marty13 · 13/06/2022 01:10

I mean... I have a Facebook that I don't use very often and you won't find a single mention of my kids on there. Not because I don't love them, just because I'm a private person and I'm not plastering my life all over social media.

Checking into an event doesn't mean much, it's just saying "I was there at x time". Not a huge indiscretion. But I wouldn't spend time detailing who I was with. People who are with me know, people who are not have no business knowing.

Have you met his friends and family ? If so you're not a secret. And if he really wanted to hide something he could easily have another fb account. I really couldn't waste time thinking about this tbh.

If you're really bothered tell him you've noticed, but I wouldn't expect much to come out of that.

BlueSlate · 13/06/2022 06:16

Personally, I think how you feel about this sort of thing is something of a barometer for the relationship.

I dated a man who did similar. There was zero evidence of us having been together for 2 years aside from a post one of his friends put on there with us standing next to each other. He deliberately didn't take photos with me on them if we went out for the day or selected the photos I wasn't on to share on fb. He had a very active life for the 2 years we were together but I wasn't part of anything if you looked at fb. However, that is because he didn't love me and didn't particularly fancy me and did not see us as having a future together and so didn't want 'memories' to pop up for years afterwards or for a woman to read it as assume he wasn't available.

My boyfriend now posts very little. He has tagged me in one photo in time we've been together and his relationship status is 'single' - when I know he's changed it in the past (but I don't know if that was important for him or who he was dating). I don't care because I feel safe and secure in the relationship and I know he loves me. I tag him in very little because I rarely post and have no need to showcase my relationship to the rest of the world.

girlmom21 · 13/06/2022 06:29

If he tags others when they're at venues etc, it's a bit pants.

I often don't tag DP because he's got 'friends' on Facebook that I don't want seeing my stuff.

Snowflakes1122 · 13/06/2022 06:39

How long have you been together? If you have only been together a few short months, the relationship status wouldn’t bother me.

girlmom21 · 13/06/2022 06:45

Snowflakes1122 · 13/06/2022 06:39

How long have you been together? If you have only been together a few short months, the relationship status wouldn’t bother me.

Considering she bought the tickets for his birthday a couple of years ago it's at least a couple of years Grin

Bulldoze · 13/06/2022 20:26

Wait.. people still use facebook?

seaUrchinOne · 13/06/2022 20:34

I think if he goes as far as checking in places but no mention of you, or responding to any of yours then he doesn't want to go publicly with you.
Depending on how long you've been together, I think you know if you're made to feel like a serious gf or not.

Fuzzyhippo · 13/06/2022 22:42

I don't even think I'm even friends with mine on there and we've been together 7 years. He doesn't have a single picture of me on his phone let alone on his Facebook

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