It never rains........

[Birdie40]

Hi - this is the first time I've plucked up courage to write, so be gentle with me! I think I'm getting my first taste of what it can be like to be the eldest daughter and I feel as if I'm doing a lousy job. I live nearly 300 miles north of my parents with my dp and dd - my relationship with my dp is in tatters, he's self employed on a very precarious contract and I'm clinging like mad to my dd and I'm probably deeply over protective.
My Dad is being treated for quite advanced bowel cancer and although treatment is going well, he's doing very badly mentally and has become reclusive and pretty well tied to the sofa and daytime TV, not even making a cup of tea - Mum's doing everything. She's slowly going round the bend trying to help him and has now been taken into hospital herself with suspected appendicitis. The rest of my family who all live within a 5 minute drive have done basically nothing. I feel that I want to get in the car and drive down with my 2 year old and try and help them sort things out, but my relationship with my Dad has always been strained and I'm not sure how much I can do to help whilst trying to look after and protect my dd.

We're due to go down for a week soon, but I feel as if I should be doing so much more. I'm sure there are loads of you out there with similar and much worse conundrums and I'd welcome your ideas 'cos I'm spinning.

Sounds like you are having a terrible time at the moment.
You say that your relationship with your Dad is strained - is this the time to make amends? I suppose it depends what the problem is.
If I were you I would take my dd down as soon as possible to show my support and I'm sure they would get pleasure out of seeing your dd.
Is you dp being supportive?
What about taking your mum out for a coffee/lunch to give her a break? I would get in touch with the other family members and plan a group effort to help out.

Hi Birdie.
Its all too common that one sibling seems to do everything when their parents get older and all the others are happy to sit back and let them.
Why is your relationship with dp in tatters, and why do you feel you are over protective with your dd? Would going down to look after your parents cause more problems in your relationship?
I think you should tackle one problem at a time and not try and do everything at once. Work out which of all the problems is the most urgent / important and work out what to do about that before you tackle anything else.
Could you phone your siblings and give them a talking to - as the eldest could you pull rank and get them to help out more?
Sorry I'm not much help - I just didn't want your first post to go unanswered!!

Thank you Layla - guess my Dad has never done emotional stuff and has always been a very distant Dad,and now he's shut down totally and is sunk in depression - he can't seem to think anything positive at all and he won't accept any help. Mum feels as if she's being disloyal to him if she accepts help and so we all go around in the same daft circle.

My DP is supportive but works away most of the time and we're really struggling to stick together for various reasons, which have all had to take a back seat.

Certainly Mum needs to be taken out but she won't admit to her friends what's going on and how down she is, so you're probably right, I need to do something to break the deadlock and talking on the phone probably isn't enough.

I'm worried that all this gloom would be an awful atmosphere to take my dd into. She's such a happy little person!

Hi Ginnedup - don't underestimate how much you and Layla are helping! I've only got pheasants to talk to here and they're pretty short on ideas and opinions, so it's a breath of fresh air to hear from you.

I don't know about pulling rank but I think we're all just carrying on and hoping things will get better and someone has got to call time on this.

Looking at other postings, my dp and I have a number of the problems others are writing about - angry with each other all the time, no physical closeness of any kind, money problems and I'm still trying to lose baby weight and feel halfway attractive again. But I guess none of these problems are potentially fatal, which makes Dad the priority?

I don't know why I'm so incredibly protective of my dd - I suspect that's a whole other chapter and I don't want to bore everyone stupid.

Sorry haven't been on here for a few days - been busy at work.
How are you feeling now Birdie40.

Hi there

A bit calmer, thank you Mum's out of hospital with a "grumbling appendix" and Dad's doing a few things around the house (or so Mum tells me......), but I just wish they would seek some help together for his depression - they only have to ask.

I've been dragged out for a coffee this morning by some other really nice Mum's at my dd's new playschool so i'm feeling a bit warmer and cosier for the time being.

There are so many kind and generous people in the world - why are so many of the people around my parents so bleedin' useless?!!

Wish we could move down, but they just happen to live in about the second least affordable place in the country, where we could just about run to a small garden shed, so no chance of that!

We'll be going down for a week in about 3 weeks so fingers crossed that they can scrape through until then - if not, I'll have to go sooner I think.

You're so right by the way about one thing at a time.... thank you, it helped.

That's good. Glad you have good friends to take care of you. I'd go nuts if it wasn't for my friends (RL and MN included!)
Sometimes its hard to see the wood for the trees and it takes an outsider to set you straight again.
Good Luck
x

Thank you!

x

Pleased to hear you are feeling a bit better Birdie.
Who lives near to your parents - do you have brothers or sisters who could do more? Perhaps you should have a family meeting to discuss who could do what to help?
It sounds as though you are having to deal with it all.

Hi there Layla - strangely there are lots of family members within an hours drive of Mum and Dad (2 brothers are 5 minutes away!) but in some cases my parents won't tell people what's going on and pretending everything is fine (so I guess you can't blame them for not helping!) and in others, people are putting their heads in the sand and it's easy for them to do that 'cos Mum and Dad don't make any demands of them.

I think what's making me feel sooooo frustrated is that Mum and Dad simply will not ask for help from anyone - health and welfare professionals included. I'm pretty sure thay could at least get all the practical help they need but they have got to ask for it.

Someone whose parents are both doctors today suggested I have a quiet word with their GP - I just feel uncomfortable about that but maybe I'm being too cautious.

Maybe this misguided loyalty thing is infectous.

Things will work out, I'm sure of it, but I'm going to be sending the drinks bill to my brothers..........

x