The "where do you see this going?" Chat

[drlel]

When to have this chat and how do you actually go about bringing it up?

Been seeing someone 3-4 months so I know it's not the longest but I really really like him and after being mainly single for 7/8 years (dating on & off in that time), I'm really struggling not to get too carried away

I'm pretty sure it's mutual....he brought up the exclusive chat after a month and has since instigated the bf/gf chat (we're both early 40s so not sure if that's what you call it but we had a laugh about that and agreed that's what we were).

He often tells me he misses me, is excited to see me etc. Once or twice he's said he's glad he met me and likes me etc but is generally quite shy about that type of conversation.

So....while that's all going really well, I'm struggling from the point of view that it doesn't seem to really be going anywhere. However, I'm not even sure what I mean by that as I'm not sure what I'm expecting at this stage?!

We've not met each other's friend or family yet and we've not had the conversation about what each other is actually looking for in a relationship. I guess I just feel like while he's saying all the right things there hasn't been much progress

This afternoon I was out with him and we passed an area where he almost bought a flat in the past and he was pointing it out. However he then said he didn't know if he'd ever move to a different area from where he is currently or if he'd ever have a need for anything bigger than a 1 bed flat.

I have a DS who he hasn't met yet so it's not like I'm going to be living with him anytime soon but I also don't know if this comment was a way of telling me that he'd never want to live together??

I think at this stage I should be quite comfortable asking him what he's looking for in a relationship to make sure we're compatible but I also don't want to appear to be coming on too strong?

Or is the fact we agreed we're in a relationship good enough for me to expect us to be discussing where this might leas i the future

I've got no desire to actually rush into him meeting my DS or is living together etc but I also don't want to waste my time if we're looking for different things

I think the chat of what you're expecting in a relationship should be right at the start, 1st or 2nd date.

Since I was a single 27 I decided I wouldn't waste any more time with non serious man, so from the first date I'd be clear on only looking serious relationships leading to marriage. Of course that you get less 2nd dates but it helps weed out time wasters. By then I had already wasted time with 2 long relationships leading to nothing.

I think that if you've been together for these months you should be able to ask him such question so you avoid wasting your time.

If you have no intention to rush him meeting DS or living together what do you need to chat about?

He could be mentioning he doesn't need more than a 1 bed to groom you into if you want more you pay for it.

People change though especially if they meet someone.

Why didn't you test the waters when he said he would never move from his area? In "oh don't you have any dreams like to retire by the seaside/hills/Spain?"

I mean he sounds quite dull, happy in his one bed never wants to move.

I think you need to decide what you want to happen - do you want to meet his family? Friends? Or vice versa? Do you see this as something long term? Otherwise you may ask where is this going and then form your views based on his reaction, which is not being true to yourself.

These are totally fair enough questions, OP! I think you've been going out a while, you could ask to meet his family and friends, and definitely ask what he's looking for in a relationship.
If you ask in a casual way, as if you are genuinely curious about what he wants, rather than giving an ultimatum (which I'm sure it wouldn't sound like anyway), it shows that you respect yourself and your time.

You don't mention what you want, but I'm guessing that you want a long-term relationship eventually with commitment? It's worth being honest about these things. If he isn't on the same page, it's worth knowing that now. You could be spending your time meeting someone who wants the same thing at you.

I'm not sure what you are expecting this early on. And not many people would know after a few months that this person is definitely it. You've established that you are a couple, and as so you will surely then be more of a social unit? And as such meet each other's friends? And perhaps go on holiday together (maybe a night or two due to your young child). THEN you might be able to see if you are compatible with each other's wider life.
No idea about the comment about his flat - certainly not boring to like where you already live. I think that was just a thoughtless comment and wouldn't read that much in to it on its own. If he said to you 'I can't imagine ever living with anyone', that's something else.
I'd wait a few months longer before you have a serious talk about the future. One can say they are looking for a long term relationship, but that still may take time to develop.

It all sounds like it’s heading in the right direction. Stop thinking about what he wants, what do you want? Do you want him to meet your friends and family? If so, suggest it. If he’s not keen, then it may be a good time to ask the harder questions.

I’ve just finished dating a guy..4m in. He was pretty keen to establish what I wanted early on. There was an element of me being pleased that someone knew what they wanted mixed with ‘is this guy too full on..you can’t win! However despite that he had other issues and has now ghosted me so I’d make it clear what you want to avoid wasting any time. Your child isn going anywhere and he needs to be made aware of your wants too. Good luck.

I think you first need to figure out what's important to you. Is living together important? Is it a deal breaker if he feels differently? Do you want to get married? What if Ds doesn't like him? Or he parents very differently? Timeline can be negotiated (up to a point) but you first need to know where you need this to go. Where do you want to be in say five years? And that actually is a good question to ask him. A five year "view" is less pressure because it takes quite a long time to get there.

Thanks everyone. I guess me not knowing what I want is part of the problem. I guess the next step is for him to meet my son and see how that goes otherwise the rest is pointless.

He has cats and my DS is allergic so it's at the back of my mind longer term but considering they might not hit it off I'm getting a bit carried away 😂

If I were to date again I'd want them to be clear what their intentions are by the 2nd date. Wasted enough time on a non committal man as it is so wouldn't want to go through it again

@Fuzzyhippo I don't think this guy is necessarily non commital. He brought up the exclusive chat followed by the coupe chat fairly soon.
He said he was looking for a serious relationship and I was too. I guess my issue is that neither of us defined what we define as a serious relationship - it's quite subjective

I suppose you could ask hypothetically if he would consider living together one day, not to put pressure on but if that's something he wants, a relationship can only flourish if you've got things to look forward to, for now keep getting to know him, it's such a short time.