Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't no what to do anymore

28 replies

Hunnycake · 11/06/2022 19:38

I feel like I being used by my husband we have been in a relationship for over 4 years married for 1 year and never really been on a date or anything romantic even when I suggest it. It never happened they is always an excuse 🙄 all he dose all day is play games and I can't cope with it anymore even when I try get Interment with him it causes an argument and he tells me that's all I am ever after is sex we don't watch films together or do anything together all I do all day is watch and look after the kids clean up and he dose nothing he just tells me it's a woman's job please I need help

OP posts:
O0o · 11/06/2022 20:19

I think you should leave him, you deserve better than this

LostAndLonely2022 · 11/06/2022 20:20

It doesn't sound like he's meeting your needs OP so you need to decide whether that's the life you want and if not you should consider leaving.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/06/2022 20:21

Probably no point asking why you married him or had kids with him, that ship has sailed. But it’s not too late to ditch the useless waste of space and get a better life. That’s the only thing that’ll help.

Your children are watching this dysfunctional dynamic and growing up to think it’s normal.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/06/2022 20:24

How did you come to marry a man who's never taken you on a date? Or did he used to be romantic and it's all disappeared since marriage/children?

Do you both work? Do you want to try to make it work, or are you wanting to leave?

layladomino · 11/06/2022 20:26

You deserve better than him. He's showing you that he doesn't care. He thinks housework is below him. He thinks he's better than you. He's even telling you - he says it's 'women's work'... what century is he from? Does he honestly think that having a penis means you don't have to pull your weight and help run your own home?

He sounds ignorant, lazy and selfish and you deserve better.

Inthesameboatatmo · 11/06/2022 20:27

Why did you even want to marry him op. LTB.

Original poster
Hunnycake · 11/06/2022 21:06

I just don't no what to do tbh it's really hard to leave as I do love him and it hurts but I don't think I can keep living the way I do he gets the kids to call me bad names ect the only time i leave the house is to take the kids to school I have tried to talk to him many times as all I get is its all about you it's all about how you feel but I do my best foe him do every thing for him what else can I possibly do I am broke

OP posts:
DoloresMores · 11/06/2022 21:13

only time i leave the house is to take the kids to school

how old are your kids op? Why don’t you leave the house?

IAmMeThisIsI · 11/06/2022 21:30

The name calling and encouraging the kids to do the same is a form of abuse. This is only going to get worse OP. You say you love him, but what do you love about him? You sound like a great mother and you would make a NICE and LOVING man a fantastic wife. It's hard to leave. Especially with kids. But this guy is bringing you nothing but misery. He won't even watch a film with you, OP. You don't have to leave right away but start making plans.

bloodyunicorns · 11/06/2022 21:33

What do you love about him?! Serious question.

Does he make you feel good about yourself?

And why don't you go anywhere apart from school?

Ohtoberoavingagain · 11/06/2022 22:06

“he gets the kids to call me bad names ect”

This is abuse. Abusive to you and abusive to your children. He is coercing the children into abusing you —- do you really want your children to grow up like this? They will repeat the behaviour in later life as , to them, it’s normal in life.

For your children’s sake alone you should be planning to leave or kick him out.

GrazingSheep · 11/06/2022 22:08

Have you family or friends who can help you leave him?
How many children do you have?

Original poster
Hunnycake · 12/06/2022 11:39

We have 3 children together I have 3 from a previous relationship also we have his 4 children from a previous relationship living with us totaling 10 kids on my own witch I am not going to lie it's really hard don't really have friends and family my mum was my whole world and lost her in 2020 I don't no why I love this man so much is don't show me any thing maybe I am scared of being on my own ect I don't no tbh I don't go out as they is so much shit after like were u been what u been doing ect but what can I do I have no friends or family as I moved 180miles away from them to be with him

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 12/06/2022 12:12

So you look after 10 children while he games all day? Does he work at all ?

Original poster
Hunnycake · 12/06/2022 12:20

No he don't work if he did I would understand why I am doing all this by myself but it makes me so angry when I am doing every thing he can tell I am getting stressed out and he will just sit there and do nothing I will ask him for help and get total banked

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 12/06/2022 12:30

What ages are the children?
Do his older children see their mother?
Do yours see their father?

notapizzaeater · 12/06/2022 12:52

10 children, bollx to that, he needs to actually do something ! No wonder you're on your knees .....

Chikapu · 12/06/2022 13:24

So you have ten children living with you and neither of you work? Hmmm....

Original poster
Hunnycake · 12/06/2022 13:40

None of them see there other parents due to certain circumstances witch I don't want to get it too I don't work as I have young children and if I did go work do u honestly think they would get looked after as I don't youngest child is 1 and the oldest is 15 and I can't force him to work but I would love to go out and work and show my kids that I can provide without benefits

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 12/06/2022 14:16

How big is your house?

Tallisker · 12/06/2022 14:47

You've had three more children in four years when you already had seven between you? Really? Why?

Automaticforthepeople · 12/06/2022 14:56

So sorry to hear about your mum xx

It sounds like you are the one doing all the hard work bringing up the children, whilst he does nothing. He is showing abusive and controlling behaviour. None of this is right. Honestly, you are worthy of being appreciated and of being treated with kindness and respect.

I think being in and getting used to a situation like this can cloud our judgement, especially if we are totally exhausted with no time for ourselves.

Could you speak to someone about this OP?

Refuge have a helpline and lots of practical advice on their website:
www.refuge.org.uk/

There is also Women's Aid:
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Treating a partner like a servant can be a form of abuse: www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/power-and-control-dating-abuse/

You deserve so much better than this!

Original poster
Hunnycake · 12/06/2022 15:16

Thank you to everyone that is understanding my situation right now 🙏 😊 I just wish I had to energy to go with my children 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunnycake · 12/06/2022 15:58

So I have just tried speaking to him about us going out as a married couple and he don't want to talk about it he says I don't give him chance too ect but how many years have I got to give him a chance to take me out ffs I know deep down its never going to happen I really wish my life was better right now I am alway feeling emotional and down I try hold it back bc of my kids bur it's coming to the point in my life were I can't anymore I don't no why I still love this man I can't say how I am feeling because he will just switch it the other way around and make me out to be the bad one all I do is try make him and our kids happy I do anything he ask me to do but we're dose my happiness come into this as I am not happy here I know it's easy for ppl to say just leave but it's easier said than done also he has already said if I leave my kids are staying with him and my kids are my world 🌎 do I honestly ask for to much

OP posts:
Spohn · 12/06/2022 17:48

It’s quite hard to follow your posts without punctuation, but you need to use the links a poster above posted, you need to get yourself and your kids away from the abuser, there’s absolutely zero reason to stay in this farce. Ten kids sounds like a living hell, and then you’ve got the trash you married treating you all like vermin. Brutal childhood for them.