Not inviting BIL to party - did we do the wrong thing?

[Longstockingjane]

Hi,

Basically my MIL and FIL don’t talk to my BIL (their son) and his wife. There was a huge fall out and ties were cut.

BIL and his wife also fell out with us however we had a ‘meeting’ to try and repair the situation….we made amends but the damage had been done and the relationship hasn’t felt the same since. We are not close by any means which is sad as my partner actually lived with them for 6 months a while back.

We are due to have our daughters 1st birthday party soon. MIL and FIL have our little girl once a week and are a huge part of her life. Meanwhile BIL & wife don’t even ask how she is or seem bothered about her.

So we invited MIL & FIL to her small party and explained to BIL that we understand he wouldn’t want to come as MIL & FIL are there but asked if he would he like to come over our house the next day.

The reason we did this is because we didn’t want any drama or for MIL &FIL to feel uncomfortable. It is our daughters day and she deserves to have her grandparents there.

now all hell has broke loose with BIL’s wife saying that we have chosen my partners ‘abusive parents’ over her and her innocent children and that they are no longer classing us as family. She seems to think we shouldn’t be talking to MIL & FIL and she is shocked that I’ll allow my child to be around such abusive people. I speak as I find and they’ve never done me wrong.

did we do the wrong thing?

Why do they regard your ILs as ‘abusive’?

Are there childrens (cousins) also being excluded?

Really hard to advise without knowing the circs

I don't think you've done anything wrong. You're caught in the crossfire between feuding family members.

Why do BIL and his wife consider your in-laws abusive?

This had been posted before. Word for word I’d say.

I think it's impossible to say without knowing why they are no contact with them. Are they abusive? Why did they fall out with you also?

On the face if it, I would say you haven't done wrong. Your inlaws are part of your daughters life, they aren't. Why would you invite them when they have no significant part of your life?

More context would be helpful. What was the initial feud about and why did you have to make amends if the PIL were to blame? Are PIL as upset as BIL and his wife?

You’ve picked PIL, they give you free childcare so that makes sense. Inviting BIL and family would have made the whole thing stressful. But if they think you’ve tried to move past the drama they’ll obviously be hurt you’re still close to PIL. Though they presumably know that anyway?

it started because BILs wife felt that they weren’t interested in the grandchildren or offering much help. FIL then flipped and said some pretty hurtful things about BIL’s wife (that she has an inability to look after her children etc etc)

they fell out with us because my partner lived with them for 6 month and apparently made ‘promises’ to their kids. To take them out, make an effort etc, which they feel he hasn’t met. but context behind this is that my partner had split from his fiancé, moved in with them and then moved into his own home starting from scratch which takes time. A pandemic then hit which she seems to forget about

But have they actually been unkind to BIL and his family? It sounds like they have.

We are NC with some of dh’s family (due to historical sexual abuse) and the family has said all sorts of things about me, and yes, actually it’s really painful when the abusive family members get invited to things and we are excluded (along with our dc). It feels like we’re the ones suffering for someone else’s bad behaviour. Could they fee the same?