Reading something has just made me realise I’m grieving for the loss of my childhood and youth , fun and freedom.
i feel robbed. Cheated.
From as far as I remember it was emotional abuse and control. Deliberately putting me in situations I didn’t deal with well then mocking me after (I have asd diagnosed as an adult as it was seen as an embarrassment so I wasn’t diagnosed earlier)
Telling me I was unattractive, constantly saying dsis was ‘the pretty one’ or that my friends were prettier and cleverer which made me resent them so then I dropped them and was isolated (this was primary school I was just being manipulated if I took a friend home for tea dm would give them ‘better’ snacks and the ‘best’ cutlery etc and tell them how pretty they were etc and I was jealous and it made me upset yo they point I turned on them 😞) dm seemed to love it the fact she could make me jealous then she knew she still had that Control
SO many times of being told to pack a bag that I was being collected for the childrens home and I’d wait for the bus she told me was coming and I was scared.
Being out outside and locked out and told I was going to be treated like a dog as behaved like one.
she would sometimes suddenly be nice and say ‘oh love come and sit by me while I make tea’ and I went and she would burn the back of my hand with a hot spoon. I was so stupid I fell for that multiple times.
Not allowed out as a teen and when I got some freedom she destroyed my self confidence she would say I was ugly and that certain clothes wouldn’t suit me (one memorable time was when i wanted shorts she told me I was the wrong height and shape , how disgusting I looked and I left that shop in tears feeling horrendous. I developed body dysmorphic disorder and stopped eating in an attempt to be the right size. I had been a size 8 and looking back those shorts looked fine she just didn’t want me to look nice.
she would lock me in . Confiscate or hide make up. Smirked and laugh if I got spots. Treated me so badly I said I’d run away but she got out my (admittedly v unflattering) school photo and laughed saying she would give it to the police if I did and how everyone would see it and laugh.
Forced me to get a job and give most of my wages to her. Took my phone charger so I couldn’t contact anyone and locked me in.
The more I fought age 18+ the worse it got and eventually there was an incident of extreme physical abuse . That is what I have ptsd over.
I feel like I can never go back to the days of freedom I can’t ever get that back. I look at my dc and how their lives are and I want my youth back but not how I had it. I feel devastated and cheated