How to move on from adult bullying?

[MovingOnAndOn]

I have autism and ADHD. In my early adulthood, I was often bullied for my attributes. For example, I speak with a weird accent, I fidget uncontrollably, and I can have meltdowns when provoked. It was at university and in my first few jobs that I was often bullied. I didn't know at the time that I was neurodiverse. I just thought I was a weirdo, as that was what many people called me.

I am now in a much better place. I have a good job, nice husband, and so on. I am not in touch with any of the people who bullied me.

However, every day, I think about how badly I was treated in the past. I keep relaying what I went through over and over again. For instance, the horrible things people have said to me over the years play on a loop in my head sometimes.

I have tried counselling twice. It didn't work.

What can I do to make these thoughts stop and finally move on?

Can you start a collage of nice things - events, photos, holidays, husband, children, pets, happy place memories?

Make it a huge display somewhere accessible and refer to it every time?

Or maybe a ‘ swear jar’ £1 for every thought! Then treat yourself.

You were treated badly and you didn't deserve that. Those people were sad individuals who obviously had their own problems because - trust me: nobody who is happy and well-adjusted would bully someone.

Do you think the reason you can't get it out of your head is because it was so unjust? Remember that there is a lot of injustice in the world and if it hadn't been you, they would have bullied someone else anyway.

You can't fix those people so don't let them take up any more of your mental energy.

Rejection sensitivite dysphoria (RSD) is common in people with ADHD. I have it.

Bloody hate saying this but time does help.

I’ve seen some terrible things, been in terrible places, survived a beating I shouldn’t have and goodness knows what else of the ups and downs of life.

And the thing that keeps me up at night the most? The horrible man who bullied me for 4 years in my current job.

The dog I get the pleasure of walking (and loving!) has been my salvation in waking hours. And time is helping slowly.

tulips has some lovely suggestions there.

Wishing you well OP. You aren’t on your own 🌻

I would recommend two things, first get a coaching psychologist (chartered psychologist) rather than a counsellor. A coaching psychologist, will go through practical exercises to help you deal with these things straight away, it’s a lot more proactive and practically focused. Probably more expensive than most counsellors but you should see results pretty quickly, and it’s like having your own private cheerleader.

The next thing I would recommend is to get really into books, podcasts etc around bullying, why it happens, who perpetrates it, how to deal with it. Become an expert, then look at your own experience and map out the tactics and why they worked and what you would do differently. Bullet-proof Kids by Stella O’Malley is very good, it’s focused on children but is useful to make sense of past bullying exeperiences for adults too.

You are obsessing about it, totally understandable, so turn this negative into a positive and use it to become better at spotting and managing bullies. You can master the thing that haunts you if you channel your energy correctly.
Bullies are the worst at any age, I’m so sorry you went through this.