Has anyone else experienced this? (online dating related)

[Speckledhen2022]

Over the past couple of months, I have actively trying online dating. I always clearly state that I am looking for a relationship on my profile. If they ask me what I am looking for I tell them I am looking for a relationship.

I swipe guys who also state on their profile that they are looking for a relationship or if they leave it blank, I ask them what they are looking for on this app. Some of them say 'fun' or 'something casual' at which point I unmatched them. However some of them say I am looking for a relationship or something serious.

What really frustrates me is that it soon becomes clear after a date or two that some of them are only after a shag. It really annoys me. If they after after a ons or fwb then it is obviously fine for them to find someone for that. I just HATE it when they lie and say they are looking for a relationship. It really wastes my time and effort.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone know of a way I can get around it and prevent it happening?

I feel you're frustration, I've also experienced this, I'm very upfront that I'm looking for a potential relationship, but soon as we start talking or first date, it seems obvious they only want something casual. I guess they get desperate if not many women are just up for casual.

Not sure there's much you can do until you've met them and start to trust them, I've not found any yet.

It’s because they know it will put you off, men have and will always lie to get sex, it’s nothing new

I've not made it past message four with ANY guy on OLD before they mention something sexual.

Actually had a guy today saying three messages in that he couldn't wait to explore my body! Then he added "and get to know you of course" like the afterthought it clearly was😂

A lot of people on dating sites are just looking for something casual. I've had it happen to me. I tend to be very clear now that I'm not interested in hook ups. First dates are drinks or a coffee so that I can make a quick get away if necessary. I stupidly met someone in a hotel bar once for drinks and there was the suggestion of going up to his room. Never again lol .... couldn't get away quick enough

@CrumpetStrumpet - that's so cringe and a massive red flag

That's so weird and rude!

I also had a guy message me saying that he was staying in a hotel and said that I could come for drinks in the hotel bar and he could give me a massage. eww no

@Speckledhen2022 - yuk

What really frustrates me is that it soon becomes clear after a date or two that some of them are only after a shag

It's entirely possible that they are misleading women and lying about their intentions. Or, it could be that they are genuinely looking for a relationship, but when they don't feel they click with someone, don't feel that special spark, you are basically put in the 'nice enough for a fwb but no serious relationship' box :/

@CrumpetStrumpet XD

It's probably common across all websites and apps.....but this wasn't Tinder or POF, was it?

@EarthSight That could be true. I never thought of that tbh. If they want a fwb with benefits they should say that rather than saying they want a relationship with me but still angling for sex

Basically this, I imagine. When I first divorced I didn’t want to dive straight into another serious relationship but was advised by a female friend that I should find a FWB as a way of easing my way in/dealing with any potential rebound in an ethical manner.

Let’s just say the amount of women looking for such an arrangement on mainstream OLD sites was incredibly sparse, at best.

I never found my FWB, but in fairness, kind of lost enthusiasm for the idea anyway.

@EarthSight It was indeed the dreaded Tinder!

It happens everywhere though. I arranged to meet a guy on Hinge for coffee. All was fine until he messaged me 'can't wait to meet you and your sexy ass tomorrow'

I had another guy on Hinge say mid totally normal conversation that he had a 'luscious booty that needs some attention'

I don't even bother hoping to meet anyone semi normal now. I just go on occasionally to reaffirm everything is still dreadful🤣

@TossaCointoyerWitcha I tried FabSwingers to find a FWB and that was a total dead end as well. Both the guys I arranged to meet chickend out day before🤣

I think I've been lucky in that I met my boyfriend quite quickly - he was the second person I messaged and we clicked immediately. But a lot of my friends have said its a numbers game. There are good men out there but it's luck more than judgement finding them.

I wonder why all of these men on online dating are so weird. I had this one want to come over to my place 'to get to know me'. Obviously just after a shag. I had another one want to go cycling as the first date. I mean WTF

I have done a lot of OLD over the last five years and I have now met someone I like a lot but in the past I would meet men I was happy to date, have sex with but wouldn't consider them marriage material, it's the same for men I guess. Also when I first became single I always said I was looking for a relationship as ultimately i was but only if I met someone who was completely amazing, most times they were ok for now but not completely amazing so I enjoyed the sex and moved on.

I had been online dating for years. You get a good bullshit radar eventually. I think guys think they can mention sex or sexual references and think it’s normal conversation. or want a relationship but not gelling that way, but gel enough to enjoy each other. So rather have you round.

One guy would tell me he was in bed having a wank. I ignored him. He then messaged a month later asking why I ghosted him. Told him I didn’t need to know he was having a wank. We did meet up and he was nice. But next day wank messaged again. He couldn’t get it in his head I didn’t need to know this. I think he thought it was flirty banter.

a guy I did date for 6 months and is now my best friend. We dated but ended up in a fwb situation. Both wanted a relationship but on the fence. Chemistry and lots in common but didn’t progress. Ended up friends a year after it ended. I did ask why we didn’t progress and he said I was too independent and he couldn’t see where he could fit in as he was selfish with his time and no compromise. Think that was the reason for me too - I kind of fought off his codependent vibe or planning round his spare time. But watching him from the other side trying to date I can see his red flags now. He is dating someone but it’s on his terms again.

Me - serial dater and kissed a lot of frogs. Now with a guy who respects me for me, we have own lives outside of the relationship and having a great time. He wasn’t my normal choice looks wise or personality, and a slow burner. But one my head told me I wanted to get to know more for some reason.

I guess keep swiping and don’t write off your not normal types.

Lol. They're practically panting. Is there a possibility that they are actually serious about having a relationship but this behaviour just reflects who they are? As in, 10 years down the line they'll still be making lots of sexual comments. There are some women with husbands like that - they're still panting even when they're much older.

All of the above! If it's not the sex talk it's the dreaded selfies in the gym or the bathroom with their chests out and a hand covering their privates!

Wow....he must be really into cycling then. A taste of things to come.

Men simply tell women what they want to hear.
OLD has taken all of the romance out of dating, standards seems very low, its all fake and shallow, no depth. More appealing to lazy men who want the full benefits of a relationship without making any effort. Its just like ordering fast food now, thats why so many women in particular are turning their backs on it.

I guess so. Either that or he was a cheapskate who didn't want pay for a coffee 😀