Hand hold needed

[yyydelilah]

I need a handhold or for someone to tell me I'm not going mad.

DH and I have had a bad 18 months. Lots of disagreements and rows. He told exploded last year and told me he wanted a divorce but then backtracked, we started an some short lived counselling.

We've had a few arguments this week, nothing that should even be an argument but this is what happens.

Anyway, I raised an issue yesterday which was rather minor but upsetting to me. I prefaced this conversation with this doesn't need to be an argument but he was immediately stroppy.

Didn't really talk to me for the rest of the day, basically sulking.

I came to speak to him this morning and it followed the usual pattern of me encouraging him to say how he feels and then trying to give my POV followed by him raising his voice, saying I don't care about his feelings and there's no room for how he feels.

This is all done while he storms off, comes back, gets agitated. I never shout and just Betty to remain level and calm.

He then accuses me of talking too much when I give my thoughts. Says it's all about me.

But this time when he went to his usual "we'll I'll go, this isn't working" shit I said that's okay. If that's what you want to do it's fine, but you've said this a lot now and it feels like emotional blackmail. Please be aware of that.

I can't remember what else was said but he also called me crazy. Which I told him was manipulation 101.

This is all in contrast to him emailing me earlier in the week to tell me how much he adores me and how me and the kids are his whole world.

It's literally one extreme to the other and I'm exhausted.

I'm a sahm. No income. Two toddlers. We can't afford to live as two separate households.

Pls hold my hand I'm struggling. I feel numb

holding your hand.

try not to look too far ahead. Right now you’re a SAHM and can’t see how two separate households would work financially. But other people manage, you could work, there are options. All any of us can do is take a moment at a time.

Do you have some support in real life?

Thank you so much

I'm taking it as it comes. I'm just so worn down by this, I suspect he is too.

I have some support irl. I just feel so embarrassed by the whole situation tbh

I'm someone who's experienced a very similar 18 months to yourself. Except, I also got married within those 18 months.

Our relationship took an absolute battering due to my mental health, and I really put my OH threw it.. I was so so argumentative, reactive, unpredictable - I put him down so much because nothing was ever good enough for me because I was never happy. Which was my own issue, a mental health issue. Not him - he's wonderful.
He could of left me at any moment and I couldn't of blamed him - he could of wiped the absolute floor with me, after some of my behaviour, but he didn't.. but he came very very very close to leaving, because I'd made him so sad.

I after a 5 year battle with different meds, sought private therapy, and only now do I realise how far gone I was. My life the last 5 years has been a blur, and I know I've got so so much making up to do to rebuild us both back up, and I owe him that, whole heartedly.

What I'm trying to say is, it comes down to love. Times will be hard, sometimes more often than not, and then they'll be great periods of highs! But if you love someone, you give them the benefit of the doubt and you see if you can work through it, thick and thin...
I'm so thankful for my husband standing by me. And I know in the long term, it'll bring us more close than ever, because when you've been threw hell together, everything else seems easy!

He’s using his explosive reactions as a way of controlling you. He thinks if he makes life as awful as possible each time, you’ll just stop talking to him about things and he can get on with things as he likes.

You sound like me three months ago. I had no one to talk to in real life. Both my DD and husband encouraged me to find a therapist.

On our first session, she asked what I wanted from therapy. I explained I was going around in circles with my husband. I felt so unhappy and my heart knew he was being selfish and unkind. But he would never admit to any faults and blamed me for everything. The only way we could have a calm relationship was only if I put up and shut up. Was I the unreasonable one (as he saw it). Or was it him. I then told her about his behaviours.

At the end of the first session, she said she was very comfortable in telling me his behaviour was at fault and my emotional reactions were perfectly understandable. I have gone from strength to strength.

it may sound odd to someone who has never had this, that you get to a point when you can’t trust your own feelings.

You say you had short lived counselling, why did it end, did it help, or not.

I strongly recommend therapy. It’s expensive, and I was advised to look for someone with degree qualifications. It would have been worth it even if I’d only ever had just the one session.

Agree totally with @herejustforthisone

He told you how he feels and you counter it with your 'point of view'? That's not listening, OP. That's almost antagonistic and also dismissive.

I think you need to look in to what 'active listening' actually is, because it helps relationships no end when both parties can honestly say how they feel, and actually feel heard.

Also you need to look inwards a bit and see if what you're raising as issues (whatever upset you) are actually issues or just your resilience. To respond the way he is, it sounds like he's having his head verbally spun every few days over something probably irrelevant, in the grand scheme of things.

What was it you tried to talk to him about?