If your parents were abusive or generally shit growing up, do you still speak to them?

[Comeoutfrombehindtheclouds]

I would say my dad was definitely abusive. Physically, mentally, he was an alcoholic and has severe mental health problems. He's subjected me to verbal abuse so many times when drunk and even when sober. We never had any money but he always prioritised cigarettes and alcohol and occasionally other drugs. We didn't have anything nice, no holidays, no days out, no new clothes. It was mostly a miserable household full of arguing, worry, anger. Everything revolved around my dads mood swings and if he was unhappy he'd either bully everyone by shouting and ordering everyone about like a sergeant major or spend days in bed giving everyone the silent treatment.

As the youngest my dad was jealous of the relationship I had with my mum, I was more outspoken than my siblings and could speak out against his behaviour and ask to spend some time with my mum going on walks, even eventually a couple of shopping trips as a teenager which my dad bitterly resented as he always wanted my mums undivided attention 24/7. Her going out for an afternoon with me would result in days of the silent treatment.

As an adult I've been left a very anxious person with low self esteem. I was pretty much a shy bookish child but I had a real sense of right and wrong.

I've always stayed in touch with my parents as I do care about my mum. I don't speak to my dad that much but I send him birthday presents and he has made small efforts to be kind to my dc.

I was speaking to my mum recently and my dad made a remark about me being a spoilt brat as a child and always getting everything I wanted.

Why am I still listening to this shit at my age? He really does despise me, he's rarely shown me any kindness.

I went NC when I was 30 which was a bit of a wake up age for me. I realised I had spent a third of my life scared and unhappy and I wasn’t risking the rest of my life being the same. I also had DS by then and I wanted him to see that I had very clear boundaries around how I allow people to treat me. Don’t regret it for one second but it took years of pain to reach that point.

Due to their treatment of me I am unable to work and struggle with so many aspects of daily life. Have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a week. I finally feel able to start the healing journey now they are no longer in my life.

If you want to at all continue to see your mother, meet her outside in a public place. One small boundary you can put in for yourself is to now stop sending your dad presents. If he is too toxic/batshit/drunk etc for you to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well. Please do not continue to keep on exposing them and yourself to such dysfunction; they do not warrant an alcoholic grandparent in their lives, a man who also verbally abuses you as their mother.

Your mother has chosen to stay with her H for her own reasons, she has not put you or even her own self first. She continues to enable him, she is certainly being abused by him (the silent treatment is emotional abuse) and is likely to be codependent. She also gets on some level what she wants out of this relationship with him. They have both utterly failed you as parents here and have really thrown you and your siblings under the bus.

Do your siblings have a relationship with them?.

Get support for your own self; I would seek out a BACP registered therapist. Its not your fault this happened to you; this is all on them.

I moved to another country when I was young to put distance between me and my relatives. We only had limited contact for years, I did not go to my father's funeral and I went no contact about three years ago after my mother's latest set of lies and manipulation. I realised she was doing something illegal (inheritance fraud) while I was in hospital and could have dragged me into it by association. I cut all contacts after that.

I spent so much of my life dealing with the mental and physical impact of the abuse that there was absolutely no love left in me for me and there probably never was. The issue also was that they never accepted that their behaviour was an issue or that they needed to do something to address it. When people just continue to be toxic and to lie all their lives without the ability to self-reflect the only thing you can do sometimes is just to cut them out of their lives.

I hope this will help… my mother left the family home when I was 4. I was sent to live with extremely violent family members you wouldn’t trust with a goldfish. My ma recently told me I was a ‘horrible little mare’ as a child…. This based on the accounts of the violent relatives (who were extremely violent to me). At this point I devided enough was enough and told my ma she’d upset me. She stopped contacting me after that and I didn’t contact her. It’s been one of the most peaceful years of my life. In short, you don’t have to put up with their shit.

No my mother was fucking horrible. She broke into our home and tried burning the house down when we was asleep as she didn't want us. Luckily my dad stopped her (my dad got custody after divorce). She wasn't charged as she has mental health issues, so got sectioned instead and let out of 28 days. It followed years of abuse from her till my dad packed up and moved us 500 miles away. Over the years she destroyed friendships and relationships. Tried making me lose my career. Attempted to get at my own children too.

Tried to have a relationship with her as I was a teenager but I just don't hold any love or anything towards her. I cut contact with her a few years ago and most of my siblings too. Only speak to 2 of my siblings out of 9 due to the fact, they are like my mother. Just horrible people. Wish I did it alot sooner though.

My parents were abusive in every possible way. They gave me CPTSD. I haven't seen them for 14 years. My life is so much better without them

My mum was 15 and dad was late 30s when they had me, dad walked out when I was a toddler. He never made the effort. I tried contacting him a few times as an adult, but no luck. Not sure if that counts, but due to the age difference I don't really want to be in contact with a child groomer anyway

Yes my mother was physically and emotionally abusive. She was sectioned multiple times throughout my childhood she lives alone cut off from everyone my siblings mostly have NC. , lives on the breadline. I don't feel good when she's not in my life I'm distant but I make sure she's safe. Have gone NC from age 18 - 24 and didn't feel peace. I acknowledge that she will never be a "mother" to me but I can't go NC and leave her completely alone. I don't feel at peace without knowing she's ok, my conscious won't let me.

I'm choosing to be the better person expecting nothing in return.

My mum and gran were emotional
problems for me growing up. They’d judge and pick at most things I did and pen the narrative that I was a terrible teenager but then say it was just because they cared. They’d then say things like how great they were for ‘letting’ me do something when I was so bad E.g. my mum ‘letting’ me breed our dog so I could keep one (I was in year 8) then giving away my puppy whom I adored not once, but twice because I, as a young teenager, didn’t walk him when I said I would.
Awful temper on her and once was dragged down the hall by my hair and had her repeatedly opening and slamming a door in my face mocking me as I cried wanting my dad. You don’t forget these things.
She married an older ex police man when I was about 14. Stayed with him for years enabling him, despite him physically assaulting me, hiding food in the family fridge from me because I needed to learn boundaries, hurting the family dogs/demanding they could only sit in their bed and weren’t allowed to leave, plus on a holiday abroad, he decided I’d not been grateful enough so spent the evening telling her so. That next morning without a word to me, she busied everyone out of the apartment, stormed off for breakfast with a very confused and upset me, trailing behind trying to keep up, nearly left in the hotel room.
I’ve had my gran explode at me recently because I, married in a stressful full time job with a son of my own, don’t reply to her texts instantly or answer when she rings.

I don’t have any feelings towards them now, I see them as little as possible and keep them away from my son as much as I can. They might not acknowledge their behaviour (and so much more) but I don’t forget it.

Sorry to go on about me but what I hope to show is you don’t need to put up with any behaviour you find hurtful or upsetting no matter who they are. Restrict their contact and don’t feel obliged to engage with anyone who brings you down.

My parents were pretty shit parents both of them, and my father was emotionally abusive and very cruel.

My father decided to kill himself so saved me from having to put up with him anymore.

I am civil to my mum but I have no love for her. She stood all her life doing nothing while her husband abused her two daughters, and as a mother she was dismissive and unloving. The first time I heard her say "I love you" to me was when I was already over 30 and she was feeling lonely and realised I would not be there for her. To be honest, I pity her.

I have learned a lot from them, a lot about the things i don't want to do and the kind of person I don't want to be. Fortunately, my sister and I managed to carve good lives for ourselves and be as different as humanely possible from our two parents.

It was a revelation to find that I lived much happier when i had nothing to do with any of them.

No. My mum died in 2007 and following her funeral all three of us stopped contact with our father - a very selfish and self absorbed man - a liar and a cheat. My life is far better for not having him in it - I never think about him - I couldn't care less if, how or when he dies - I have no interest in knowing.

I left home at 15 after a massive fight because I was trying to stop my drug addict father from strangling my mother. I left never went back went nc from that day until some years later when my mum was dying from cancer . Once she died I went nc with my dad. Didn't even go to his funeral. I also have nothing to do with my mums side or dad's side and am nc with my siblings also.

I had an abusive childhood and ended up in care. I went through my teenage years and twenties desperately seeking love and validation. I hated my parents on a number of occasions.

I now have made peace with it all and I don't hate them. I'm not close to either of them but I don't hate them. I feel quite sorry for them. They each had their own demons to content with from their chuldhoods. People can only do what they have the tools to do in life and neither of my parents were helped with building a toolbox, and neither were their parents. It's a cycle and one I've broken with my dc.

My parents both feel a LOT of guilt over my chuldhood. I'm glad I don't have to live with that.

I did. My dad is now dead but I went NC for over a decade and it ate me up. I got back in touch , it stopped me overthinking , he died knowing it wasn't me and I had nothing to feel guilty about

Yes I went NC,I don’t even want to know when they die.

No. Mum died and I cut my father off.

I wish Mum was still here, but I don't miss him at all. Much better off without negative people, even when they're your parents.

No - my Dad wasn’t even that bad in the grand scheme is things I just don’t see the point in trying to maintain a relationship with someone who can’t keep up their end of it. I don’t feel particularly ill towards him as I think he has his own problems, I just don’t have any interest in seeing him.