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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Love lost

30 replies

Rileyo77 · 10/06/2022 19:57

Hi, Need some advice please. I’m a man (50) who 6 months ago who accidentally finished with the love of my life. I had extreme pressure at the time and wasn’t in a good place. I’ve had counselling since and now understand my mistakes and have learnt from them.
my ex girlfriend (18 month relationship) were totally in love and an amazing relationship. One day I just cracked and basically said I wasn’t happy living with her and broke her heart.
after 7 weeks we made contact and slowly built bridges and I let her back into my heart. After a couple of weeks she said she can’t trust me anymore and finished with me breaking my heart.
my ex had previous issues with trust as her mother walked out on her as a teenager, and her ex husband cheated on her, so rightly so has trust issues.
recently, we have started messaging and I have asked her for my forgiveness. She however says she doesn’t know if she can trust me anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions?
we both love each other, and I have said I’ll do anything to make her trust me. i am just so sorry for hurting her. And ultimately breaking both our hearts

OP posts:
Oceanus · 11/06/2022 20:49

@ASmallCat I think you need to take a deep breath.

AchatAVendre · 12/06/2022 04:03

Rileyo77 · 10/06/2022 21:51

Thank you. Yes I got some counselling to understand why I did it and to make sure I would never do it again. I now have coping skills to ensure this.
I am generally a good honest hardworking person who made a huge mistake. I love her so much, and know she’s hurting as well.

Until the next time you are under pressure?

my ex girlfriend (18 month relationship) were totally in love and an amazing relationship. One day I just cracked and basically said I wasn’t happy living with her and broke her heart.

Sounds almost like you ended it on a whim. Anyway, no-one knows why men do these random dumpings but its quite common amongst me and my friends. Most of us have had it happen to us. I would say that most of the women don't want to get back together with their ex when they inevitably come crawling back. The one couple I think of who did, the guy was a doctor, very good looking and had a lot going for him, and he worked really hard to get his ex back. My ex dumped me twice and that was one chance too many that I gave him. I began to think he was addicted to the highs and lows of dumping and getting back together, and a bit hystrionic. He too had "stress" and hinted at MH issues.

The thing is, its a competitive world out there. There are plenty of men who don't behave like this and you don't really sound like you're organised enough to do the work it takes to get your ex back, and of course, the longer you leave it, the more she will get used to being without you and be meeting others.

I don't know what you expected to happen - you split up a live in relationship, upset her badly and now you've got what you want, you've changed your mind. Honestly doesn't make you sound like a great, or very reliable prospect. Its noticeable that most of your postings are about you, how you feel, what happened to you and so on and theres very little concern for your ex and how much you devastated her (and being dumped like that is horrible). I'm guessing she had to move out and find somewhere else to live while presumably having the pressure herself to hold down a job. It doesn't look great tbh.

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/06/2022 13:50

I've been in a similar situation with a guy. Your ex needs time please leave her alone if you love like you say you do. Let her be and go no contact, she will be heart broken and doesn't wan't to get back with you because you've shattered any confidence and self worth she had built up in her relationship with you and if she gets back with you now she will just think "oh when is he going to dump me again ". If you love her as much as you say you do then let her go.

concernedalot · 12/06/2022 21:11

I think you should leave her alone and take some responsibility for your own actions, and realise that shitty actions have consequences, it really is as simple as that.

Onthedunes · 12/06/2022 22:23

Did your decision to end the relationship have anything to do with an ex partner or wife.

Your emotional turmoil sounds like someone who maybe is suffering with guilt and your sentiments of "I let her back into my heart" make it sounds as though she was pushing or being blamed for your predicament.

You don't need to answer or admit but it would be make more sense as to why you suddenly dumped her.

Either way, if you discarded her, you have now become unreliable, unsafe and not a viable option.

Allow her to move on as you are not dependable.

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