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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do??

22 replies

08Daisy · 10/06/2022 19:51

I met my partner and we connected straight away, I was so happy, things were going well and intimacy frequent. We married after 14 months as things felt right and he was certain this is what he wanted (me too). I was 30 and he was mid 30s.
Before we married the intimacy was trailing off. About 6 months into the marriage he told me he no longer saw me "in that way" and intimacy stopped. He told me he always "goes off" women after about 6 months and views them as just friends. We're got on very well, didnt argue, enjoyed each others company and my physical appearance had not changed.
When we met he was extremely keen to have children, explaining he wanted to meet someone to have a family with. I said I'd like children but wanted to wait a while after getting married because everything happened so quickly and I wanted us to have time to ourselves for a couple of years first. I admit I did have a wobble about 8 months after marriage and felt unsure about having children but we agreed we would do it 'one day' and the pressure lifted. He was supportive.
Around 2.5 years after we married I said I would like children in the near future. He said he was now consumed in other projects and soon after told me that the idea of having children "repulsed" him and he didn't care if he ever had children or not. He said he might change his mind, he might not. I said I was happy to wait a couple of years there was no immediate rush, but he still would not commit.
I am certain he hasn't been seeing or sleeping with anyone else as he's just not like that, but I'm really confused because I don't know why things changed or what to do. He has shifted from really wanting children to not, and our relationship from being really intimate to no sex for 18 months with him saying he'd have to "rewire" his brain to get back into a sexual relationship with me.
What would you do in this scenario? Please be honest. Thank you!

OP posts:

Canofpeas · 10/06/2022 20:07

Why are you staying with him?

Justcallmebebes · 10/06/2022 20:10

Honestly? I'd leave whilst you're young and you have no kids

DaisyDando · 10/06/2022 20:17

I think you have to consider whether you are ok with no intimacy again.

Madamswearsalot · 10/06/2022 20:19

Honestly? It sounds a lot like you're with a twat. He sounds pretty awful - inconsistent and mean.

What positives are you getting out of this marriage? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? I personally couldn't live with a partnership that had no intimacy - can you?

Consider talking to a professional therapist if you can - maybe your work has a service you can use. Get them to help you to look at why and how you ended up in this relationship, what you actually want from a long term relationship and whether you want to stay in this one.

Whooshaagh · 10/06/2022 20:21

Well I would have left when he decided not to be intimate.
It's not to late to leave now though.

ouch321 · 10/06/2022 20:24

He's lied to you from day one. He has completely taken the mick to put it nicely. He's playing with your mind.

I don't know how you're so (seemingly) calm about it.

alwaysmovingforwards · 10/06/2022 20:25

Sounds like a pointless relationship and you don't have a shared vision of the future.

The better question is, why would you stay?

MadMadMadamMim · 10/06/2022 20:31

I would leave. You want children, and he doesn't even want sex - never mind kids.

In addition, everything he says and does seems to focus around his needs with him giving no consideration at all to yours. Ultimately I don't think he cares about anyone except himself. It's all about him.

I could not stay with anyone who considered that my needs and wishes were so utterly irrelevant.

Iamnotamermaid · 10/06/2022 20:33

Think you could probably do better than this one. He has gone off the idea of children the same way he went off sex.

He has told you what you wanted to hear at the right time but has failed to actually commit to anything. Decide how you want your life to be and take it from there.

theonlygirl · 10/06/2022 20:34

Leave. He sounds unhinged.

frozendaisy · 10/06/2022 20:35

I would be so pissed off I had been hoodwinked into marrying a lie and leave.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 10/06/2022 20:36

Would you have married him if he had been honest and said I dont really like sex and I dont want to have children? He tricked you into marrying him. Leave as fast as you can.

PizzaPatel · 10/06/2022 20:38

Leave now. I got divorced pre kids and it was easy as pie. Getting divorced with kids is so hard that many people stay in unhappy marriages

Cottagepieandpeas · 10/06/2022 20:42

My ex went off sex after about 6 months. He never got back into it and I felt crap about myself for about 3 years. He denied there was a problem.
I really wish I had left him sooner.

Butterfly44 · 10/06/2022 20:51

That's not a marriage. Leave unless you want a life of being unloved and no children

Graphista · 10/06/2022 21:00

I'd have left 6 months into that marriage!

He's led you on and I also suspect he is closeted gay or asexual or has other issues with relationships and intimacy

Get out while you can still meet and have dc with someone who is more honest and more compatible with you and your plans for life

WomanHere · 10/06/2022 21:03

How is he planning on re-wiring his brain? That sounds odd to me. Unfortunately you have married someone that sounds incredibly selfish. Count your lucky stars that you don’t have children and make an exit plan.

Original poster

08Daisy · 10/06/2022 21:07

I appreciate your responses. The difficulty I have is that I love him and we get on so well. Hes my best friend. I used to ask him why he didn't want to be intimate and he'd give excuses like being stressed at work etc. Then he told me he didn't see me in that way. He says I'm pretty, but he doesn't think I'm sexually in touch with myself and he needs to be with someone who is. I admit I didn't used to initiate it, but he was always doing that until several months in when it fizzled out and perhaps it knocked my confidence a bit, I do also have a low sex drive so don't feel the need to do it loads but that doesn't mean not at all. I know he regularly looks at porn which I don't mind as such, but he's happy doing that all of the time and never directs anything at me, or even suggests in anyway he's in the mood. It's not necessarily relevant, but he's slept with he says between 100-150 women including escorts (I only recently found out the latter).
Regarding children, when we've spoken of separating he gets upset and has said its unfair because we love each other so much and we're in this situation with me wanting a child and him not, or not right now (with no comment on when he feels he would have one).
He's always got a new project on the go, he's very intelligent, he tends to get bored and moves onto something else, a new challenge. He is extremely confident and self assured. He believes he can do or achieve anything and that he is capable of something great, and therefore having a child will prevent him from fulfilling his dreams...

OP posts:

WomanHere · 10/06/2022 21:18

Surprise, surprise, you are to blame for his issues…

No sex, no intimacy, no kids and a husband spending his spare time wanking to porn and blaming you (and any future children) for his problem. Only you can decide if you are prepared to live your life like this.

Aria999 · 10/06/2022 22:42

As pp says he sounds like he's gay but doesn't admit it to himself.

He's giving you the run around.

Do you really want to never have kids and never have sex again? Unless you are happy with that future you need to leave.

Hopeful1992 · 10/06/2022 23:23

He sounds like he is trying to control you mentally, telling you that he doesn’t see you in that way and he needs to be with someone else sexually…. But then won’t let you leave and cries

I would get out asap you deserve someone who is open and honest with you and shared the same values

Yellowhase · 11/06/2022 16:47

He has issues suggest counselling if he won’t go walk away. You can love someone without the issues in the future. I don’t think relationship sex and escort sex are the same thing maybe that’s where his issue is! I wondered about being gay also because many men would want sex even if the relationship was struggling.

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