Changing a mind about having a child

[CuriousUncle]

Hi all,

I’ve been dating a woman, 24 years old, for a few months now and on our last date night the topic got round to having children. I wouldn’t mind a child but it is in no way a relationship must for me!

She had been saying that her mum had been asking about her having children and that she wouldn’t want a biological child as she is quite petite I completely understand her concerns. I just want to firm up my mind if / when it it is likely that her attitude would change (has anyone on here been in a similar mind set when about her age to change?) Just want to be psychologically prepared in case minds change how likely etc.

As for adoption we would both be open in the future we have said but she would only adopt if the child’s parents were deceased (I know chances would be extremely slim on this)

Thanks for any input,
C

Being petite is not necessarily a barrier to birthing a child. But not wanting to have a baby for any reason is a man or woman's personal choice.
Adoption is not a trivial issue and the likelihood of adopting an orphan is slim.
Why not have this conversation again when you have been dating longer?
If your gf decided she was ready to have a baby she may change these opinions. There again she might not..
People's views can shift once they are actively trying for a baby.

Well do YOU want kids or not?

Because she sounds like she knows her mind. And has been honest about it.

That being said, you're only 24 so I don't know how relevant kids are to a relationship at this age. Unless you're desperate to have them young...if the rest if the relationship is good then id be inckuned to say, why finish it?

You could have kids when you're 60 if you want. So tbh I'd just enjoy this relationship for what it is. But be clear with her that you do not know if you will want kids in the future or not. So it may be an issue for the relationship somewhere down the line.

Give her the choice that she had given you on whether or not that is currently a deal breaker.

*inclined to say

I mean I guess it's not ideal to be like 'hey so our relationship might have an end date but let's enjoy it whilst it lasts'. But realistically, you're not likely to be with someone you've met at 24 for the rest of your life. Hopefully she's a pragmatist too haha.

Alternatively, it might be time to just call it a day.

Wanting biological children or not is one of those issues which is a dealbreaker for most people and one with which there is no compromise. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone assuming they would change their mind on something. You’ve said that you wouldn’t mind not having a child, but everything after that seems to indicate it would be a deal breaker and you are banking on your girlfriend changing her mind. That’s not fair to either of you.

I also think you should both look into the realities of adoptive parenting. When I was younger I thought I might have one child and adopt one, as it would be lovely to give a child who need a home a home. But as I’ve grown and read much more about adoptive parenting and seen friends with their adoptive children I’ve come to the conclusion it’s not for me. Adoption always involves trauma. You are very unlikely to find an orphaned infant (which is still a trauma for a baby) and (rightly) culture shifting to make teen/single motherhood not shameful, availability of support and availability of access to abortion means there are very few healthy newborns eligible for adoption. Almost all adopted children in the UK have been through abuse and/or neglect, as well as the traumas of being separated from their parents and subsequent foster parents. This isn’t to say that adoption might not be for you, but parenting an adopted child often has significant challenges and isn’t an alternative to parenting, just without having to deal with the pregnancy and birth thing.

She had been saying that her mum had been asking about her having children and that she wouldn’t want a biological child as she is quite petite I completely understand her concerns.

Petite women have babies all of the time. What a ridiculous notion. As for the adoption issue, both parents have to be dead? What? Are you sure she's 24? She sounds very immature.

Its good that she has been upfront with you because it gives you chance to work out how you feel about it.

Realistically do you think your feelings are likely to change, and are you going to want children at some point (biological I mean). If so she has given you the opportunity to work that out now and walk away so its worth having a serious think about it.

She may change her mind, but I find the societal narrative around women changing their mind as they get older irritating. Yes there are biological urges and yes people who are ambivalent may change their minds, but I know several women who specifically don't want children who have not changed their mind and are now menopause age, despite being told many times they would suddenly want children. So if you want kids I wouldn't risk her changing her mind on it.

Her ideas about adoption are frankly unrealistic and I think you both would benefit from doing some research around that as and when it becomes a topic to consider. I found the adoption board on mumsnet hugely helpful when I was considering it.

I also agree with the whole you've only been dating for a few months and you are only 24 (having said that I was married by 25 so who am I to talk) but in some ways I think you would be doing her a disservice to continue a relationship if you decide children are a must for you when she has been so upfront. (That said children are not a certainty in any relationship, there can be infertility etc)

Well someone's a little theatrical this evening.

If she is petite and it's a massive baby then chances are it's going to be more difficult for her than others! Also, maybe she is actually mature enough to recognise that she would not be able to cope with knowing that her child might end up torn between her and their birth parents. I actautlly think that shows a great deal of forethought.

If anything, surely jumping to the judgement of a woman you don't even know, based on what her bf has said about her online, makes you the immature one.

Childfreedom is bliss, it’s enraging when people want us to change our minds. Your girlfriend may change her mind, if she’s childless rather than childfree, but there’s literally millions of women who want to reproduce, so you could pick one of them if you need a kid.

My mum and aunties range between 4ft10 and the great height of 5ft2 and they didn't have any issues to do with being petite and having babies! This is very weird!

Tbf she may be using ‘petite’ as an excuse to try and get people to stop pressuring her. Same as the adoption suggestion.

Adopting a baby isn't like going to the dog shelter and rehoming a puppy. There's usually a lot of trauma involved.

Do you know of many babies up for adoption because both their parents died? Because that's a pipedream right there and absolute fantasy. Shows a total ignorance of the social care sector and also incredible immaturity/selfish attitude.

Being petite has naff all to do with birthing success. Your hip joints literally loosen the whole 9 months to accomodate. Unless the baby weighs 2 stone at birth or Dad is 7ft 8, then it's really irrelevant.

Also last I checked, being petite doesn't mean you somehow have a more petite vaginal canal or opening.

I repeat. Grow up.

Her reasons for not wanting children aren’t really relevant. All that matters is she doesn’t want them. It sounds like adoption would be out because of her odd criteria.

You need to respect that and decide if it’s a deal breaker for you. If it is, split sooner rather than later.

My mother is 5 foot 1 and weighed 7 stone when my older brother was born. He weighed 8 pounds. It was a natural birth and she had no problems.

She doesn't want children, and she's using being 'petite' as an excuse. I bet her mother never said any such thing to her, as well...

She may not change her mind. You won't be able to 'make' her change her mind, either.

It’s sad she feels she needs an excuse. There’s nothing wrong with just not wanting kids.

The question is do YOU want children, not what her size is or what her mother thinks.
What do YOU want, then your decisions flow from that.

I've never heard about the petite thing - I assume because it isn't a thing! I'm petite and it never occurred to me and wasn't an issue. I know a couple of properly tiny women and it never came up - they have both had several children.

So either your gf and her mum are not very well educated on this or she is making up reasons not to have a baby. She shouldn't have to do that of course, it is absolutely fine to say 'I don't ever want to havea baby'. And if she genuniely feels that it would be wrong of you to try to convince her otherwise.

That said, if you are both 24, then so much will change in the coming years. You may well not be together in a year from now. You could have decided you don't want children. She could have decided she does.

What is the matter with you

Sorry can't have children cos I'm petite 🤣🤣🤣

If you are under 4 foot 11 there are increased risks with being pregnant so the petite thing isnt a total myth but there are risks inherent to all pregnancies and not all women under 4 foot 11 face additional complications

To be fair though its a perfectly reasonable decision to make to not take the increased risk because you are petite

There are so many risks associated with pregnancy I think women should feel empowered to not take them if they aren't that fussed about having children or are happy to take an alternative route like adoption