Different person when drunk

[Milkandtea]

Hi, my dh is completely different when drunk , I dread weddings or nights out with him as he either gets aggressive and angry or loved up too much and trys to kiss the face off me and feel me up in middle of dance floor ,it's embarrassing. If I push him away , he gets defensive and angry, he won't quit drinking so that's not an option, it's really made me look at him differently, dare I say he repulses me on nights out . Really puts me off him. Any one else's dh the same ?

You can only help your own self ultimately, not him. He has to decide for his own self that he wants help for his drinking and unless he does that there is nothing you can do yourself to help him. And he's already stated he will not quit drinking.

You are in all likelihood playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses in these situations; enabler, codependent partner and provoker (because you do not ever forget). Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not even started yet.

You have a choice here re this man. You do not mention if you have children but if you do they are being affected by all this as well; alcoholism is not called the "family disease" for nothing. Did you grow up seeing similar?.

Get support for your own self from Al-anon as they are very helpful to people affected by another person's drinking. Look also at getting legal advice as knowledge here is power.

Mine was. His behaviour was vile and became worse.
Drunk, left me ( sober) in a foreign city centre where I didn’t speak the language.
Tried to kick the windscreen out of the car while I was driving.
Removed from an awards ceremony.
Started to use racial abuse in a city centre.
And these were just the public things. At home he became threatening, violent if he didn’t get his way - he almost bankrupted me as he wouldn’t contribute to bills, expected me to supply drink, food, etc.,
Get out of the marriage, he will drag you down with him. Don’t tell him ( my life would have been in danger if he’d known I was going) Plan to get away as safely as possible.

he won't quit drinking

You think drunk him is the issue but it's not. Sober him knows what he does, knows how awful it is, and chooses to drink. Sober him doesn't care about you either.

If he repulses you, the marriage is over. Sorry.

He gets angry if you say no to being physical with his drunken self?

He doesn't love you, OP. It doesn't matter how drunk someone is, if they love their partner, they don't feel 'entitled' to touch them against their will.

Thanks everyone, sounds like ye had a tough time. Dh doesn't drink all the time though does that matter ? Just on nights out or weddings together is when I get that treatment. I dread them. Makes me not want to go out with him when drink is involved. I know it will end up bad.

Doesn't it just reveal something about him that you can't 'unknow', though? It's too late, isn't it, once you've seen him like that... it'd be an instant dismissal from me.

That sounds horrible. I'd give him an ultimatum and tell him exactly how it makes you feel when he's in that state. If he won't quit or significantly cut down, it isn't worth your happiness.

I'm not sure it matters how frequently he does it because it's not OK behaviour.

Dp used to become a different person when drunk similar to what you describe. I found him so annoying and repulsive so we rarely went out together.
He didn't drink all the time, or even that frequently, but when he did it was often too much.
Alcolholism isn't about the frequency, it's about the mindset and impact of the drinking. Look up the questionnaires online.
I am still with dp- he gave up drinking, 5 years sober odaat
He is much happier now, and it is much better for me too.

My exH was horrific when drunk. He was a grown man in a 17 yr old drunken state. He was embarrassing beyond belief, inappropriate to my work colleagues and bosses and hadn't a clue how to control himself. That's a reason he's my ex. I'm now married to a man who rarely drinks and if he dies will have one glass of wine or a 0% beer. Because he knows his limits and doesn't enjoy getting plastered. He did once, the night he got made redundant. Never again. Your h doesn't respect you at all.

I'm an idiot when I'm drunk. Sometimes I can be ok but it's a lottery. I'm not as bad as that but can be argumentative, flirty, irrational, lose things, throw up that kind of thing. It makes my anxiety ten times worse as well. DH has never outwardly asked me to give up but I haven't had a drink since Boxing Day. A decision I made myself. He feels a lot happier now and says he's more relaxed on an evening out. And I'm not as bad as some people on here but I didn't want to risk it anymore.