Relationships n step kids

[Halfpint740]

Hi everybody

im new to mumsnet and need help or advice I’m a mess! So here goes.

I have been in a relationship with a guy of 5 years who I love loads and he has 2 kids…they now 11 and 15….yes I know awkward ages…I also have two kids not living with me but older and have lives of their own. His ex is a bitch , he always gives into her when she wants to swap days but he does it to try and keep the peace with her cos I’ve seen her when she doesn’t get her own way and it’s not nice so I kind of under that bit. Anyway his daughter 15yr old has just tried to kill herself thankfully she is ok but I think she got this stupid idea off her mate who has tried to do it to get attention…anyway she talks to her mum awful and I hate the language she uses and the attitude but I guess that’s teenagers…anyway his 11yr old son has started to ignore me totally I do all sorts for him but it’s getting to me and I dread them coming…what do I do? Walk away and let them get on with it, stay as I love my partner and keep thinking they not going to be here forever…I’m really at the end of my tether. Thanks

Personally I would walk away from this. You probably have another 5/6 years of it before it will settle properly, can you be bothered with that? I couldn’t.

His ex is a bitch ? because she sometimes wants to swap days?

Agree with above poster. Walk away now. Doesn't look as if anyone is benefitting out of this situation.

Yeh that’s what I’m thinking, he shares the kids 50/50 but when she wants to swap her days or have them an extra day he does ! Such a shame they are splitting us up …no one wins but them ! 😭

OP

You at least need to disengage- stop doing things, their father should.

Do you live together?

The children seem traumised. I don't believe a 15 year old makes an attempt on their life without significant depression.

Your partner must focus on his children and reducing conflict with his Ex is positive for the children. The 15 year old would get to choose herself when she comes so no point trying to stick to a rota for her.

I am not sure it is sensible for you to stay as it seems like a really challenging situation. Your partner has to put his children first, given the issues, so where does that leave you?

They are his children. They should come first.

I also don't believe people attempt suicide for no reason.

Do you ever see your own DC

@Halfpint740

Been there myself with an ex I had 5 years of it - I would just walk away

What does dc mean ? I’m thinking my kids, yeh I see them quite often , my youngest in the army and my eldest living with his partner

we live together and I’ll just walk away with the clothes on my back n go back to my parents house I guess and start again . I would never make him choose between me n his kids of course they come first without a doubt !

I'd still go even if it meant going back to my parents it sounds horrendous

If it’s been 5 years together, how has it been up until now? What’s your relationship been like with the kids and what’s changed now to make you feel like it’s too much. You don’t sound like you have much empathy for kids you’ve known for a few years - I’d be very concerned about any suicide attempt and be trying to work on my relationship with the 11 year old. Otherwise I’d leave, because you’ll end up resenting the kids for needing their dad to put them first.

The 11 year old has just started being funny with me we think maybe his mum is putting him up to it, I have tried we have our moments like all families do but I do all sorts, treat them to stuff I just want them
to treat me with respect and not ignore me it’s not too much to ask surely I should think myself lucky she doesn’t talk to me like her mum it’s disgusting! She had me in tears the other night when she rang snd I could hear the way she was talking to her mum…I don’t like the woman but felt sorry for her that night

Nobody is splitting you up?

What the childrens parents decide re contact arrangements are nothing to do with you. It doesn’t make her a bitch to successfully co-parent with her ex.

What does your partner do when his children disrespect you?

Such a shame they are splitting us up …no one wins but them ! 😭

This is the wrong mindset. You are an adult and choosing to walk away from an unhealthy situation. The children are not coping so best that they are focused on. If the 11 year is struggling now he is likely to get worse in a few years. It's easy to blame the ex but I think its probadly way more complex than that..your partner, the ex and you (you to a lesser degree) are all influences. Take yourself out of it and let them deal with it. Your partner has 50% of the time so he MUST share equal responsibility for why the children are how they are.

Are agencies involved to assist and support the children?

You could still date your boyfriend, but stay separate to him when he’s parenting. Are you dependent on him for housing?

Go back to your parents.

He needs to focus on his children who appear a mess.

Don't waste another 5 years.

🤨

It’s a difficult one you’ve been together for five years now, the children saves are at a ‘difficult’ age the 15 year old I feel for no one attempts suicide for no reason, the 11 year old may be transitioning going into secondary school try not to take it personal I wouldn’t walk away if it was me maybe give your partner a bit of alone time with the children and you maybe go out with the girls or do some shopping, exes are not all amicable you will either get on or not good luck 😊

Look / go to the step talk website.