This morning during a heated exchange trying to get my 6-year-old to go to school (a whole other story!) my OH was actively undermining my attempts to negotiate with DS and I couldn't take any more. The morning started with him (STBX) berating me for not having enough money to build a house (our grand plan - we have land already and are about to start building). When I said I'm getting a job (I'm freelancing but enough's enough so I'm working on getting back into the permanent workforce no DS+DD are older) he said well then you won't have time to build a house. This is what he's like: everything negative, all the time. X, Y, Z can't happen because... Never a solution. He looks to me to sort everything out and now we have to 2 DC I see it. I think before it was okay: I could carry him financially and emotionally I spent loads of time with my friends and it wasn't a big deal. There were things we did together that we enjoyed and we did our own thing too. I see now that it was totally imbalanced.
I could say that it's been worse since we had our DC but actually it's since I was laid off and went freelance that it's worse because our financial stability has been rocked. The whole time we've been together (nearly 20 years!) he has continually dipped in and out of different jobs/roles despite being highly skilled and qualified he always finds a reason that things aren't working out and then jumps onto the next thing - often chasing a low to no pay dream - which wasn't a big deal when stable boring old me was carrying the can. Now with 2 DC I realise I can't do it all: I see how much I do, how unappreciated any of that it, with the icing on the cake being made to feel like it's all up to me to sort out! This morning, in the heat of the moment when he'd just undermined me in front of my son, I mouthed "I hate you" at him. It just slipped out because I do. I feels terrible about it but it's good to get it out in the open. Typical him his immediate reaction was not, "OMG why!?" but instead "Oh, that explains everything - like why your business if failing. Of course you're doing that to spite me!" which for me is all the confirmation I need that I need to get out of this relationship.
The question then is now what!? What happens next? I should add we're living in the EU and I have no close friends here. I'm reaching out to a counsellor because I need to shift my mindset away from the "dream" of building a home and into a small house with a little garden - but something that's all mine - and being a single parent but right now I feel like I have nothing and nowhere to go. We came here with savings and dream. I have no job, am scraping by on freelance earnings, and feel totally overwhelmed. Tell me there's light at the end of the tunnel!!!