Would you stay?

[jazzyoldjim]

Been married for 6y together for 9y. We have a 4yo and a 6m old. We have a house together that we've worked hard on and we are very close to DH's family and see them most weekends / holiday together.

I just feel like the love and affection isn't there. We barely speak, barely touch. I don't think he ever does anything for me. Everything we do and talk about revolves around the kids. We speak completely different love languages, I show affection by doing things for my DH or buying him little treats (nothing big - think cookies!) he shows affection through touch and being physical. I am just never in the mood, it is rock bottom of my to do list.

Every so often we realise things have got to the friend zone again and we talk and we come up with a plan and things are ok for a couple of weeks (usually after we have sex) DH is all over me for 3/4 days and then its like he realises he isn't going to get it again for a while so he gives up, goes back to not making any effort with me. I am partly to blame, I have no libido and no desire to even kiss and cuddle. I do try. It just feels like such a slog.

I'm not miserable but I'm not happy either. There is just so much to lose from leaving.

Any thoughts very much appreciated.

Before leaving I’d be looking at what could change in the relationship. Does he understand what you need in terms of love and affection and does he do those things.

Is he carrying an equal weight with the house and kids - if he did you might feel more open to intimacy just because you won’t feel so up to your eyes in it. Life with small children is hard, you often feel completely touched out so the idea of sex isn’t appealing because it’s yet more touch.

Do you make time for each other to be together without the kids, to talk and catch up with each other? The early years can be all consuming and it’s easy to just lose touch, going through the motions unless you’re intentional about your relationship. Does he know you’re reconsidering your marriage - what does he have to say about that?

If things have been good, it might be worth looking at couples counselling to help you both get on the same page and start talking again. You’ll have a better idea about whether it’s salvageable and what you both need from each other going forward.

Agree with @Jellycatspyjamas

Try and think if there are underlying issues or is it because having young kids is generally a stressful time. If you are taking the burden of that responsibility then it might be something you want to talk about. I think how he responds to your worries about the marriage could say a lot about if he is also prepared to invest in making it work.
I always find that my dh doesn't want us to separate but it's always me driving the communication, the changes, and I can't see that he could be happy with our situation either so it just comes across as he just doesn't care enough to make effort.
I am hoping to start couples counselling with him as I have started personal counselling which has led me to have the confidence to be honest about where we are at.
We are going to be talking at the end of theonth having agreed to think in advance about what we want the next steps to be and what plans we can put in place.
Like you, we make a plan ie dh helping more, and it lasts for a few weeks and then we are back to the start again. We need permanent changes and to both be happy with the choices we make.

@Jellycatspyjamas @VJasper86 Thanks very much for your responses. Sorry I didn't respond yesterday - hectic day.

I think there are underlying issues with division of labour. I do 90% of everything, apart from kids, its pretty much 50/50 with them, but cleaning, cooking, washing, driving, appointments etc its all me. He is learning to drive to be fair to him. I also know that he has a very high sex drive, so I think I am just always conscious that what I'm offering him isn't enough.

I've also just had a diagnosis of hypothyroidism, which explains the libido loss.

He must feel very rejected and you don’t feel very loved. Libido needs sorting

that comes from rest, time on your own, time together and being able to reconnect

I'm at your DH's position. Mine doesn't want/need physical relationship. I felt profoundly sad when he put some sunblock on my back this summer - just made me realise how long I haven't been touched. The feeling is really lonely and the long term effect is I doubt my own value as a woman.

If you want to keep the marriage, you really need to find a way to address this. I know one day, I'd leave for this reason. Lack of intimacy alone is a killer for marriage.

Right so it comes down to interpretation of what love and affection are. He's a man with,according to you, a high libido, but love and affection have drifted. You've said your libido is low, so he's hanging back by the sound of it rather than pressuring you, which is good on him, but results in a friend zone.
You seem a tad mixed up in your 'love language' issues as you claim the problem is you barely speak but also touch. Then you say you express in doing things.
It's obvious the 90% housework is the issue, any woman would rightly take umbrage at that. That's the crux and that is where you are badly let down.
So next time you discuss where you are at, focus on the lack of household chores from his side. If you work too, it should all be 50/50. Did he do chores before DC, or was it always down to you?