Married people, what does your separate finances look like ?

[KangarooKenny]

My marriage isn’t great, separate rooms for sleep, years of questioning whether I should go. Decided to stay for security and company in our older years, he seems quite happy as it is.
So, he keeps lying about money (to avoid a row I assume) and he says that things he buys for himself are cheaper than they are. I found out that a gym membership was £100 more than he said, gig tickets £6 more. But for me it’s not the money, it’s the lies. And he can’t live within his means, over £300 has just gone out on his CC and I don’t know what that was for.
So last time we had a chat he suggested separate finances, but I’m not sure as I earn one third of him, and I’m concerned about him getting into debt and me not knowing. That would then affect our house, and we are tenants in common, as this is long standing.
So one half of me wants to end it because I’m sick of lies - no matter how big they are, I think it’s disrespectful - the other half wonders if separate finances are the way to go.
But we are married, it seems ridiculous that he lies to his wife.

There could be a better life out there for you.

I wouldn't want to live like this....it is difficult but once you are through leaving and have settled you won't regret moving on

I would go. It’s no life living like that. How is someone who lies to you “comfort” or “security”. Do you mean financial security?

Yes financial security, but personal security too. we’ve been together a long time, and I can’t imagine not living with him. He’s a nice guy, very easy going.

In our case we have our own bank accounts that we are paid into and each pay some of the bills. every so often go through our outgoings together to make sure we pay out a fair amount and have similar spending money left over.
But in your case that doesn't sound very feasible. Id say you should set up a bank account of your own, build up some savings and some financial independence while you consider how to deal with his financial issues

Apart from your other relationship problems, separate finances for us means we have a joint account where all the house bills come out of, and we pay a proportion of that average sum a month in according to our salary each year. What we do with the rest of our money is our affair - dh likes to spend money on tat which would drive me nuts. If I was doing separate finances with your dh I would have salaries paid into the joint account and then 'fun' money go out into personal accounts so that you know the mortgage money is always paid on time

We both earn significantly different amounts-I'm the higher earner but we each have the same amount of 'pocket money' every month. Everything else goes in to our joint account.

Playing devil’s advocate here, whilst you may be married in the legal and technical sense, it doesn’t sound as though you’re married in the sense of being in a loving relationship and partnership: you’re together by agreement for company and security. You’re basically housemates. Would you expect to share finances with or discuss or see the outgoings of a housemate?

I couldn’t live like this and I agree with previous posters that there’s a much better life out there, even if it means being financially less well off alone, than being stuck in a dead marriage of convenience. But I think if you have agreed to live like this, expecting the same as if you had a proper marriage is going to be a difficult path.

Separate finances (for over 30 years) means no stress & no fuss. Each know what we are responsible for paying, so anything outside of essentials is entirely up to us & no need to tell the other one what we are spending. Far less potential for disagreements, I feel.

We were older and both established in our careers when we got together, over thirty years ago. Over time one or the other has earned more, but we are certainly comfortable. No children together.

DH expected us both just to put everything into a joint account, as he had in his previous marriage. I can't imagine how that works. How do you know whether you can afford something ?

We worked out a budget for all the household expenses including food, bills, and each pay 50% of that cost into the household. Occasional eating out in included. We each do a top up to cover Christmas and holidays.

Anything else we pay for ourselves.

We each very different cars, so pay from our own funds, mine is reliable and had 147k on the clock, his literally turns heads. When we go on holiday together, the household would pay for fuel.

Things like gym membership have moved between household when we both went regularly. I changed it to my account when he no longer wanted to go.

Over thirty years together, never had an argument about money. There is nothing to argue about.

Full disclosure: esp in the early days, I continued my habit from home and s previous relationship of hiding the cost of some extravagant items. He didn't comment either way, until one day he said quietly "I would appreciate it, if you would trust me enough to not lie to me. I have never commented on the cost of anything you buy so feel you might trust me"

Now when I feel tempted to lie about something no matter how trivial. Mostly it's just funny, once or twice it has surfaced something quite important which we have needed to discuss and resolve.

Now I think trust and honestly are very high priorities in a relationship.