Sex....again. Very embarrassing, Here goes....

[cheesebutty]

Everyone's gone a bit sex-mad on MN, so I thought I'd change my name and risk humiliation to try and sort my life out. Basically, my husband and I haven't done it since I got pregnant with ds (he's now seven months). When I was pregnant, I really hated it, to the point where I would actually get panicky and tearful when we tried. And now, I just can't be arsed. Ds is a difficult child (or I'm a crap mother. Or both) and so by the end of the day, I just want to read a book quietly, or have a bath. I hate my body, I'm knackered, ds does not sleep for more than three hours at a time, the house is a tip, and having sex seems to me like torture. Hypocritically, I hate the fact that my husband doesn't ever attempt anything of that nature. It's like he doesn't find me even remotely attractive anymore. We've talked about it, and always go "oh well, we'll do it this week", but one or the other always finds an excuse. Otherwise, we're happy - and he's an excellent dad, very hands-on. But this issue just makes me feel so depressed (already on ADs for PND), and I'm not sure if our marriage can be saved.
And if any smug "we're at it three times a night, even with a two-day-old baby in the room - we just fancy each other so much" says anything about how pathetic I am, I will not be responsible for my actions.

Of course your marriage can be saved. I think in the first year post-birth any sex should be looked on as a serious bonus, and its absence as pretty normal.

Your ADs may be affecting your libido (as could BFing, I believe, if you are), and exhaustion plays no small part in things.

I think you need to start by giving yourself a little slack. Maybe it would be helpful if you and your husband agreed on no sex for the next 2 months or something, just to take the pressure off. Then reassess at that stage. I expect he's not initiating it because he doesn't want you to feel pressurised.

Sorry, no expert advice here but I really think you need to be kinder to yourself - you've had a really hard time and you're not giving yourself any credit for that.

i think that your hormones are all over the place and therefore i think that you should hold off from "end of marriage" stuff.

realte has a sex councellor, when i suggest realte people always say " oh but we cant afford it"

.....but you can afford your marriage to breakdown - i think not. i am sure you will find the £35 -45 and ask for fortnightly sessions if thats a bit heav on the purse

( i presume your skint - you might not be!)

theres a lot of things that can go on in the psyche after having a first baby

how can i do that to the mother of my child - n a pedestal status.

I DONT WANT ANOTHER KID EVER - shit scared of another kid status

Dont want to hurt you

dont wantt o be rejected

want a really good fuck- but she wants all cndles and lavender oil.

so best see someone who knows what they are talking about

OK, can't think of really good advice right now, but I really wanted to let you know you are not the only person this has ever happened to. DH and I were just the same. We're only just getting back on track as we are ttc#2. He was as uninterested as me, and it made me feel like sh!t (as did reading lots of posts about how other peoples DH's were all gagging for it and couldn't wait after the birth etc). I was seriously worried for our marriage. But we're OK. I wish I'd had the courage to post and maybe get some advice. Hope you get some good ideas from people soon. Am off to hide now as can't be faffed to namechange and am very

I like the idea of agreeing not to do it for a period. I wish me and dh had done that, I think it would've taken alot of pressure out of it.

The first year is the hardest and the AD's will have an effect.

Keep talking to each other. As long as you are talking things will sort itself out.

you said 'otherwise you're happy' - stop confusing no sex with having no marriage especially when you're happy !!- when you have your first child it's the biggest emotional shock to the system ever. It can take a while to recover.

Please try and go out together just for a meal with no baby talk, watch a film at the cinema, find a way to connect as just the two of you even if its only for a couple of hours. You are a couple first and you need to look after each other emotionally - its all too easy to withdraw and become wrapped in your own private thoughts (particularly if your finding ds difficult)

And stop blaming yourself for being a bad mum!!! There's a very underlying harsh tone towards yourself.

you are saying what so many are feeling but just dont have the guts to say, could you tell your dh that you miss the affection but you just arent ready to get back in the saddle

OOooh this is always a tough one.

The thing about sex is, that once you start to have sex, more often, the more you want it. The less you have it, the less you are bothered about wanting it.

The change from becoming a couple to becoming parents is a huge one. There is lots of pressure all around, and the whole dynamic of your relationship changes.

It can be frightening to even contemplate something going "in there" for some time after giving birth - especially if you were quite sore or had stitches afterwards.

You have not really explained much about how your DH feels. You have explained where your lethargy about it comes from, but not his. Do you know why?

GGG, you're fab!!!! It's tragic, isn't it, how we're all so desperate for other people to be as miserable as we are. I'd probably be equally as pissed off if he was pestering me. But it does help. Custardo, have seriously considered counselling, for this and other things, but have literally nowhere to send ds. Have no family nearby, and don't particularly want to trust the volatile little darling to a teenage babysitter. We just go round in circles, tbh.

Yes, going on dates again is a good way. Although quite often, the fall down on this is that there is apparent pressure at the end of the evening to have sex - from one side or the other.

Going on dates whilst agreeing to abstinence is a good idea.

Also, abstaining from sex for a month say, and then moving on to abstaining from sex for another month, but making sure you have some early nights together where you are both in bed, kissing, cuddling and caressing each other.

No sex doesnt necessarily = no marriage. But both parties have to be happy with that and it doesnt sound like you are, really.

you're not alone in this. Its been 4 years since I've felt like it as dd wakes everynight, requires 24 hour care (she is brain damaged) the house is a mess and if I get 5 mins I want to read or go on MN.
I'm on AD's as well plus need an op to repair childbirth damage.
Take things one day at a time and try and get some baby free time but without the pressure of having to 'perform'.
A marriage can survive without sex but still liking each other is a start. You can get psychosexual counselling on the NHS but there is a loooooooooooooooong wait time.

I hope it wasn't my thread last week which sent Mumsnet sex mad!

Ok, on a serious note, a dad here so a male perspective.

There is so much going on, emotionally and physically, with the birth of a first child, really sex is often the last thing on our minds. As dads, we are fretting about being good dads, we are fretting about supporting our family, we are fretting about fretting. Plus the dynamic of our relationship has totally changed and our previously whoa-feel-that-sexual-chemistry lovers have evolved into a new role of BEING A MUMMY! And it is wonderful to watch. We don't love them any less but we may love them slightly differently.

Plus, is this not also maybe nature's clever way of you not falling pregnant again too soon? I know that may sound silly but nature has funny ways of working. It might even be another of the issues in your DH's head. After all, consciously or otherwise, we all know what making love can lead to.

Bottom line is be kind to yourself, be kind to your husband and honestly, everything will balance itself out. You sound so hard on yourself (tell that critical voice inside you to shut up!!) and yet you sound like a great mum and a great wife. You posted saying this was about sex but I think this is as much about how you feel about yourself too and it is this you need to be kind to yourself about.

Forget the hollywood version of becoming a parent. It is basically shit, bloody hard work, a strain on all your relationships, will confront you with load of issues and you will feel crap for much of the time!! But the rewards are huge. Sorry for the reality check, I am simply saying be kind on yourself, it really is normal to feel this way and, most times, it will get better - in time. And time is the best solution here...

Hope that helps.

I found sex really difficult (because I really felt so unsexy apart from anything else) and dh was really tired from work and being up with the baby. It took its toll and although we had a few (very uninspiring) sexual encounters in the first year I would be lying if I said that either my dh or I were really that up for it. But like you, paradoxically, we both felt very upset that the other "didn't want me" - which was not true.

I think that there is an element of this whole issue which is just about making time for yourselves as a couple. If sex is too much for now, then try some other things that just make you feel close and loved. Have dh give you a back massage at night before sleep once in a while.
Wait til your lo is asleep and then have a late night candlelit dinner and just chat about stuff like you did before baby - communicate with each other.
Make an effort with your own appearance occasionally - you have the right to feel good about yourself.
Buy some new clothes that make you feel more glamourous and fit your new shape (which is probably still changing - it has only been 7 mths)
Tell your dh that you love him and give him an impromptu kiss every so often

Gradually over time, you will feel your libido return, I promise, but do not put pressure on yourselves. The first year with a baby is HARD and it changes your relationship in LOTS of ways.

I am sure that your dh still thinks you are gorgeous, but he may be feeling very sensitive about how he should treat you right now.

Best wishes
Ta

I'm beginning to like postingatlast!

VVV - his lethargy? he says we've got more important things to think about, and he's right, but this just seems like such a measured response. I suppose I'm hurt he's not gagging for it and giving me a guilt trip. Stupid, I know. Even before ds, we weren't at it like rabbits - various family issues, me being in and out of hospital after an accident, and so I think he got used to seeing me as someone to be looked after, in the nicest possible way. So really, how do I make him think of ,me as sexy again when I'm not sure I even want the end result?

There is also the problem of not being able to get away from ds. Neither of us has family near us, and ds can be such a monster I'm not sure anyone else could deal with him. Sorry, it sounds like I'm deliberately picking holes in kind and sensitive advice

Cheesebutty, I think that part of the problem is that you are being very hard on yourself. And also - you don't believe that you are sexy (you said it yourself) which is really one of the key ingredients in having others view you that way.

It may seem superficial, but honestly if I were you, I would treat myself to some new clothes, some new lingerie. Have nice long baths in candlelight. Stop being critical of your body - it may not be exactly the same as before, but why should it be? You gave life to a person with that body and that makes it an incredible body that deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Be gentle on yourself and take it slowly.

And reread postingatlast's post - his perspective is valuable and reflects how alot of men feel in the aftermath of fatherhood, I think...

Oh and btw - ds is now 3yo and our sex life is back on track (not like rabbits as in the good old days before baby, but we have regular sex which for us now is about once a week)

BUT and this was important for us, we both discussed one of the problems we discovered underlying the whole issue - we were being so prescriptive about how sex should be (romantic, mind-blowing, energetic) that we were abstaining rather than doing it. We have since realised that it can be great (and often all of those things) as soon as we stopped with all the seriousness. Now we actually have fun in bed - like laughing and stuff and just enjoying it for what it is. Sorry if tmi, but really we had to loosen up and redefine it all before we both started to enjoy it again...

Maybe I should have namechanged for that?

Thanks Rhubarb, I had a very inauspicious start here last week but it's been good to see since that there are plenty of balanced people on here who, even if they disagree with something are not judgmental (as a few people were in a thread I started last week).

Oh I missed that.
Yes well we are all very sane and balanced and reasonable on here and it never ever gets weird during a full moon.

Course I'm the best person on here. There are those jealous of my outstanding good looks, wit and intellect. But mainly I am loved by all!

(Watch out for that custy, she's wicked)

I'll take your advice Rhubarb!!

The thread in question was here:

mumsnet.com/Talk/7/451503

posting.. here

i was just about to post a similar message today about lack of sex life - my problem is not only that we dont have a sex life but i dont really think, if i'm being honest with myself, that i fancy DH anymore...we have had sex a handful of times over past couple of years, mainly when conceiving 2 DC.
My sex drive is pretty low anyway, plus i think i may have vaginismus (smear tests etc almost impossible - anyone else had this).....but i think that on top of this i dont really fancy DH anway.
Is a marriage possible if you dont want to have sex with your partner - he's great in other ways, although we are not a perfect match in terms of outlook on life etc. i dont think he could live without sex indefinitely so am not sure if there is a solution? i guess i could have sex with him if it came to it but know that this is not ideal. is life ever ideal though? i think a life as a single mum would be worse?

Pregmummy, well done for coming out! I think I'm kind of with you (oh god, that's really bad isn't it?). There is a part of me that just can't be bothered for DH, although I love him dearly. I think its possibly the old thing about now we're parents, I can't look at him in that way. Sometimes, I'm just so backward

can I just say please talk to each other, a lot, don't cross your fingers and hope it will be allright, because it will not, one day you will realise that it is too late.