Financial Abuse or have I been too soft??

[ImRunningUpThatHill]

Just wanting to get perspective on this…

Marriage of 15 years has recently broken down due to a number of reasons. I’m processing some potential abusive aspects of the relationship such as silent treatment, gaslighting etc and now I think financial abuse may have existed.

H had been the breadwinner and I’ve always held down a decent job. When we married I had inherited £50k, which we used as a deposit for a home, making mortgage payments relatively comfortable ( we live in the North East so house prices are not bad here!)

H paid the bills and holidays and I paid the food shopping, kids dinner moneys etc. Over the last 5 years or so, H’s income has massively increased (offshore worker) and earns between £7k-£10k a month, I’m on £30k a year. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had a comfortable life, but looking back, I’ve never felt like he was a sharer. He was paid into his business account and I’ve never really had oversight.

The final nail in the coffin was his purchase of an apartment abroad ‘for us’ that I told him I had absolutely no interest in and if he had that much money, I could think of more important things to spend it on, such as maintaining our home.

He went ahead and bought it anyway.

He now wants me back, is showering me with expensive gifts (that I’ve never had before) and thinks selling the apartment will make things better.

Has he been financially abusive? Just a bit fucking dim? Or am I in the wrong for not noticing his lack of sharing previously and not speaking up? Help me get my head around this…..

It doesn't really matter what you label it: he's not on your team.

I think he sounds selfish rather than abusive: he wants something, he knows he has the money for it, he buys it without caring much what you think about it. I wouldn’t say that’s abusive in itself: you just have incompatible views about money, whether all money is family money or not, and how it should be spent.

Do you want to get back together? Showering you with gifts doesn’t mean his broader attitude to finances or discussing them with you has changed. I can’t imagine he’s suddenly had a complete change of personality and from now on will be pooling everything and checking for your view before purchasing.

Gonna be honest it doesn't sound like financial abuse to me but he's not a good partner.

@ComtesseDeSpair thank you, you have hit the nail on the head I think.

Not abuse but coercive perhaps?

Maybe use your your advantage? Do you see a future with him? If not, does he solely own the foreign property? How will you be left if marriage does end?

I agree with @ComtesseDeSpair but I would also string out this period of gifts etc, whilst you decide what to do, as it sounds like you deserve it and secondly I’d suspect he has money hidden in other places that you’ll probably never know about it the event of a divorce. So regardless of whether you decide to get back together or not, I’d be enjoying some spa days, new clothes/jewelry and a new washing machine (or whatever needs upgrading in the house) to help bring your lifestyle up to a good standard. I’d probably also start putting together a little bundle of cash, as I think everyone should have one.

I don’t think he’s abusive or coercive. He’s not trying to control you by restricting money, just spending his own money on things he wants (which is not abusive). Maybe he is selfish but definitely not abusive imo.

I wouldn't see this as abusive. You're just on different pages about how money should be spent. You had your own too.

Where is the foreign property? Was it bought in joint names? Hope so, but perhaps it will count as a marital asset is f the marriage does end? You'd have to check out the laws in the country concerned for that. However, I'd make good use of it while it was available if I liked where it was.

No I don't think this is abusive. If you can afford it without eating into the family budget why shouldn't he buy a holiday home?

@Topseyt123 I honestly wouldn’t step foot in it. He bought it whilst we were going through a really difficult time and I asked him not to.
Our marriage was on the rocks and I was nursing my Mum through brain cancer, how someone could look at holiday homes during this time just fucking amazes me.
I do agree with everyone that he is not financially abusive but definitely selfish, impulsive and one track minded.
Theres some things in life that money can’t buy; sense and emotional support included.
Thank you all.

I don't see it as financial abuse OP. My husband and I both work but have joint finances and often use each others cards without second thought.

Sorry, I somehow posted in the wrong thread!

I think it's more than just a bit selfish to buy a property when you didn't want to - you're married, big financial decisions should have been joint - it's not a case of what's his is his, even if he is the one earning the big money. If you didn't have equal say in the marriage, in the finances, then I would certainly count it in with the abuse.

I'd be tempted to get him to sell it if it will ease getting your share, as it is a marital asset.

I hope you've got a decent solicitor and are going for half the assets. If he's been doing something shifty with the business, you might need a forensic accountant.

It may be that his desire to get you back is driven by partly by what you are entitled to in the event of a divorce.