Hi, apologies this is a bit of a long one, and I'm new do don't know the terminology too well.
Some background info - mum to an amazing 5 month old girl who was 2 months prem, ebf. Also had a baby boy 2020 who was born 26 weeks prem who sadly passed away in NICU aged 3 weeks. Husband and I have been married 5 years, together for 8 years.
We bought a house in 2016, unfortunately husband had bad credit and was unable to have a mortgage in his name, so house is solely in my name.
Husband has 2 daughters from previous relationship and contact has been difficult with a difficult ex partner making things very hard for all parties. I have supported and stood by him throughout the difficulties in access and have formed a close relationship with my step daughters (now aged 12&13)
Husband isnt the same person who I married, he has become angry most of the time, he is super deep and doesn't discuss his feelings, he works really hard, works from home so doesn't really 'clock out' uses his work phone a lot during evenings and although only contracted to work 8 hours.per day is doing about 12 plus most days.
He's also addicted to his other mobile phone, social media and just doom scrolls the other times when he's not working. On it while he's driving, while he's bathing, while he's toileting, while he's eating even family members have commented on it.
Anyway, the last spat we had on 4 days ago I called my mam and she picked me and my daughter up at 10pm and we've been staying with her ever since. Any spat we have ends up in him stonewalling me and I find this very hard to deal with.
Things have just got worse and worse since I fell pregnant (which we both discussed in great detail felt ready for and wanted and had the green light from doctors to do so).
During my first pregnancy I was a victim of extreme clinical negligence, preeclampsia was not diagnosed and my bp was left out of control to a point in which my kidneys started to fail and they had to deliver our son at 26 weeks or I would die.
After we lost our boy, husband went back to work pretty quick, I think that was how he felt would help his grief at the time, I would have good days and bad days but one day I got upset and he accused me of being a Fg drama queen and to pack it in, I went out for a walk and sobbed in the park on my own instead.
During my pregnancy with my daughter, my Bp started to become elivated, protein in urine and I was quite upset being picked up after an appointment (thinking here we go again), only not to have any sympathy and to be told by my husband 'oh great your not going to go full term again then is it?' like it was my choice for that to happen.
I ended up staying a night with my mam that night as he completely ignored me and wouldn't talk to me after that.
Things got back to normal and I moved back in.
Husband then refused to attend any appointments (I was being seen fortnightly by team due to history and now issues arising) so I would attend alone, then would be grilled on how the appointment went by him when I got home.
Also during the pregnancy I highlighted to him that we weren't spending any quality time together, if he could put his phone down and we could watch a film or something, he again went off his head saying that it's my fault I don't want to go anywhere and ignored me again for a few days.
So I made it to 32 weeks before things started to get worse with my health and our daughter was delivered via c section before either of us became too unwell, she was born in great condition just needing some help with oxygen in NICU due to her prematurity.
He was a bit snappy during this time which I just put down to the stress of it all and being back in the same environment as when we lost our son which added a lot more anxiety onto things, but looking back he was very pushy to get our daughter to be bottle fed (I refused as wanted to bf and nurses also promoted breast), during the stay our daughter was moved to scbu as she was.doing amazing and only needed oxygen help, I was discharged from the ward and we both travelled in from home there for 8am and home at around 11pm every day, until one morning I was so exhausted i slept through the alarms (so did he), but oh my god, It was all my fault, the traffic on the way in was my fault for getting up late, the lack of parking spaces at the hospital.was also my fault, he was nasty and upsetting, I just got out of the car during the time he was kicking off about parking and went into the hospital as I was crying and wanted to compose myself before coming into hospital.
He then arrived after dumping the car on a grass verge. He starts talking though our daughter saying shall we look at stuff go get.mammy as daddy.has.been nasty to mammy this morning... Which I chose to ignore as much as possible (despite the tears rolling) as not the time nor the place.
He took about a week off work (despite being able to take the whole time off by manager) he was again constantly on his phone during the time with our daughter and would go home to work but constantly text to see how things were going.
Then, one afternoon when he was there, our daughter started to sound quite sniffly and blocked up, I asked the nurse and she said it is probs due to the oxygen drying up her nasal passages and not to worry but do flag if it gets.worse.
By the night it had got worse, she was now snorting with it too, so I told nurse again and they took swabs and some bloods.. the doctor came in and advised that whist they analysed results they would put our daughter into an incubator.just incase she is infectious as could be covid.
Then he flipped. He went mental shouting at me do you want our baby to be sick?? What's wrong with you the nurse said it was the oxygen, I can't do this, do it on your own. And he stormed out leaving me stranded at the hospital (thankfully I had my insulin on me!). Not a message or anything after.
I was then quizzed by the nurses and doctors about my relationship at home had to answer questions like 'does he hurt you' are you at risk etc... Thankfully they had an empty bedroom for me to sleep there and embarrassingly the nurses got together some scrubs for me to sleep in and bits to have a shower.
The next day he was back as if nothing had happened, apologised for his behaviour to staff (not me).. I never told him about the questioning etc as my focus.was our daughter not having another argument.. perhaps this was.wrong but at the time it felt right.
Fast forward 5 weeks and we are taking Baba home on a tiny bit.of.oxygen.but home.
He slept downstairs as we had turned the spare room into a work from home office.. I offered him to sleep in the bedroom with us but he wanted to give me and baby space to settle back in.. fair enough thanks, she had sleep studies and finally came off oxygen about a month after being home.
Husband still on sofa, no interest in coming back to bed.. ok fine. Husband then starts to complain about baby feeding all the time, moaning that he can't feed her and pushing formula so he can feed her too.
Still bfing the weight gain was a bit slower than they wanted so hv advised I gave baby a bottle of ebm a day ontop of her feeds as I had a good bit frozen from pumping in scbu.
My milk was a bit slow getting going, baby was having enough but I wasnt getting anywhere near a full feed pumped to replenish my stock with her having a daily top up.
One evening I got a bit upset as I was really trying my best to pump but baby was draining boobs so felt I couldn't keep up with her, husband could see I was upset so asked what was wrong and I said I was finding it hard to pump and to feed and he snapped again 'well I've got no sympathy for you, you wanted to bf I told you about formula and you refused this is your fault for not having a plan b'.
Next day hv visits and I asked to put baby on a bottle of formula a day to help her weight gain.
Husband gives her the bottle and quickly gets fed up at the time she is taking so tried to prop feed her so he can go on his phone! I advise that he shouldn't do that and instead he lays her on a pillow on his lap so he can still hold her, the bottle and his phone instead. No eye contact feed
Ing her nothing.
Her weight gain gets better and so does my supply. Husband becomes quite impatient with her feeding and fussing with bottle and ends up giving her less and less of it and handing her to. Me to bf instead until one night he tried to force the bottle in her mouth resulting in her being sick and he never fed her again (she then went onto refuse bottles and dummies).
He only took 1 out if two weeks paternity, he said he would take the second week when I wanted to go out more, I was quite worried about covid with her being in oxygen and so small that I was fearful of going out, she was also up hourly feeding in the nights and I was exhausted, but he failed to see that I could do with the support at home and paternity leave wasn't about him having time out of the house going shopping etc (he also had LOADS of annual leave he could take for this too). I still cooked cleaned etc too.
Still sleeping on the sofa he decided to get a bed for the office room (despite me saying numerous times for him to come to bed) he bought a flat pack one and asked if I could help with the instructions, so whilst feeding our daughter I read out instructions etc, I put her down to help with one bit as needed two people and the thing wouldn't thread, she started to fuss and out of frustration he shouted at her... FOR F**K SAKE (NAME). I grabbed her and took her downstairs, I said it's not her fault the thing won't thread and don't you ever shout at her again.
I was then told that I had messed up the instructions and should have just said if I didn't want to do it, like I'd done It on purpose?.. and then ignored for a few days.
Second incident of him swearing at our baby was when I'd fed her and went to have a bath, I put her in her crib as she'd fallen asleep and he stayed with her, within 10 mins or me being in the bath she woke and started to fuss and cry, I quickly washed and got out and walked into the bedroom to him holding his phone in one hand and the dummy forced in her mouth that she didn't want in the other hand and her screaming, I said for him to leave the dummy, pick her up distract her etc but he stormed out of the room saying he didn't want to listen to a screaming f***g baby.
I settled her and took her downstairs, where he was pretending like that didn't even happen being overly nice.
He is angry a lot of the time, very short fuse, road rage which is horrendous, he has fallen out with all our neighbours, we live on a main road and for some reason people always park outside our house and he goes nuts if he can't park outside (even though you can still park but not directly outside).
He even jumped and spat all over someones car before due to them doing this.
One day then for the first time in months and months he offers go do the dishes! He does them but leaves a bowl which had already soaked, soaking in the sink.. I said it had already soaked, to which he replied I've wiped down the surfaces, I washed the dish and out of frustration, tiredness I don't know I said woo well done, he then flicked my nipple and said to me why don't you try paying the bills next month then. Go on you pay for your own house and your own mortgage..
I said to him I know I don't earn much you don't have to remind me.
By now I'm at my wits end, constantly feeling anxious, worried about any little cry our baby makes and she is a super good baby like hardly ever cries, worried about how he's going to react to the car that's just parked outside the house, and being unable to say anything or highlight anything with the fear of an argument or being ignored again.
The final straw though was him arguing with his ex about contact, she told him she would prefer for his daughters to go to his parents instead of to him, and his parents obliged and had them, which he saw as a betrayal... He then went on to say that he wouldnt speak to them ever again if they didn't stick up for him, I tried to calm him down and he said that he was serious and he will also cut me and the baby out of his life and move 200 miles away to his new job (he's remote based and has a local office, but there's the hq), and he was f***g serious, I should have seen the warning signs you and the baby won't hear from me again.
I said hang on now, you are saying you are going to leave us based on something your ex is doing that we have no control over? His reply was I'm f***g serious. And I took the baby upstairs, contacted my mam, packed our stuff, and have stayed with my mam since. He didn't see us go so I messaged to advise him that we were safe at my mams.
He said that he would be gone early to work in the morning I could go back.
I went back to gather more things the next day and haven't returned.
He said that he had house viewings near the hq office, that he doesn't want 50/50 just his clothes, despite me stating I'll be arranging an estate agent to put the house up for sale to split it.
He's not trying to be the nice guy that he doesn't want this or that, but also saying he's having a clean break away and doesn't want to see anyone again.
As you can imagine my head is all over the place. My mam has stated that it's emotional abuse I have been going through, I'm a really empathetic person and can't help but feel sorry for him but my main focus is the baby and so worried about if he can't deal with her now whats he going to be like during teething etc?.
Anyway, sorry for the long post I think I needed to get it out to be honest, what's your views on the whole situation? I feel guilty that I have now put my baby into a less fortunate position money wise as he is a good earner. The divorce has been applied for and I'm not interested in going back. I just worry that I've made the wrong decision. I don't know what to think to be honest. Thanks for reading and any advice is greatly appreciated x