Is the grass greener?

[Cashewwws]

Hello,

I’ve NC for this as I’m worried it could be outing.

My DP and I have been together for 7.5 years. We met at uni when he was 21 and I was 20. We have lived together for coming up to 3 years.

I love him to bits and can’t imagine my life without him. We’ve had ups and downs. He’s far from perfect but nor am I! but he is the person I want to spend my weekends with, go on holiday with and he really is my best friend.

Anyway - I’ve seen/heard a few things and I am 99% sure he will be proposing sometime soon. Won’t go into detail as I’m not meant to know.

My first reaction was ‘I’m too young!’ (about to turn 28 in a month). I don’t know why I thought this because really, 28 is not too young. I just feel sooo young still - like I’m still 21. It’s crazy how quick time has gone and also losing a couple of years due to covid lockdowns etc I just feel like all of a sudden I’ve gone from early 20s to late.

I would also never admit this to friends, but I feel like we’ve been together for so long. I sometimes see guys around that I find attractive and I MISS that feeling when you first meet someone so so much. Like the excitement. And it makes me wonder if I have missed out in my 20s!?

I live in London and have a real mix of friends who are single and some are in relationships. I only really know a few people that have been in a relationship for as long as I have since as young as I have and I sometimes feel really bad about it. Like I’ve wasted my 20’s (which logically I know I haven’t, DP and I have had some amazing experiences together!).

I know the grass isn’t greener on the other side and I cannot even consider breaking up with him. I know if he proposed I would be so so happy and cry happy tears! Even thinking about it makes me well up a little. But there is some part of me that feels like maybe there is something more.

superficially - he is attractive, tall, incredible job. Really is the whole package, so don’t think it’s an attraction thing. So kind, so generous, my friends and family love him. I love him!!! He’s everything I always wanted and more. So why am I feeling like this? :( am I overthinking?

Is this normal in a long term relationship, or am I just a horrible person?

I felt like this before I married my second boyfriend, but it’s been great. I adored him, great sex, and we’ve had a great life.
Being engaged doesn’t mean you have to get married.

It's a tricky one. You aren't a horrible person though! I think how you feel is very common in long term relationships and in your 20s.

I also could be completely wrong here as it's difficult to read tone of voice via messages, but it sounded to me that you're slightly trying to convince yourself that he's great? I mean he sounds lovely but saying how your friends/family love him etc, he's attractive, has a job etc - are you trying to convince yourself he's a good choice?

Thank you @KangarooKenny this makes me feel better. I was starting to feel like a rotten person. And you’re right re marriage!

Very tricky . From what I've seen generally you will be ok for a good few years ... wedding and kids will come along and life goes by . But at some point when either things are stale / someone else catches your eye then the thoughts come up again that you missed out and wish you'd experienced more .
Of course there are couples who manage to grow together and stay together very happily from quite young - but these seem rare .
Understand though that you wouldn't want to throw away something good for something that may never be as good .
I'd only advise that you don't rush into marriage just because you've been together a long time and it's the next step . Have a long engagement and see if the feelings fade or persist . At least then you won't have to get divorced!

It just sounds like FOMO, I spent my early to mid twenties mainly subtle and whilst I had a blast, there were so many dickhead men and wannabe cocklodgers between my friendship group. If he's everything you want, be excited! All you've missed out on are a few anecdotes to cover your face with your hand over on nights out with the girls, 'do you remember X' cue widespread groaning

*single

Life is full of choices and we can be fearful that we will miss out on something if we commit to something - I do get that but if you are happy then don't be afraid to commit however perhaps a longer engagement (wait a few months before starting wedding planning) just to make sure

Its a shame we only get one life isn't it? Ideally it would be great to meet our life partner and have amazing times together AND enjoy a free and single 20s. Sadly you get one or the other, and nothing you do now will give you your 20s back as a single person. What you need to decide is if you want that life in your 30s?

Depends on what you want in life! I've known my husband for 20 years and I'm only 33!
We broke up for around 8 months when we were 18! As we had been together for over 4 years and we felt very young but there's nothing I wanted to do as a single person that I couldn't do in a relationship. We were married at 25 and bought a house at 24! Lovely holidays, days and nights out and very contented!
Some people would feel tied down in this situation!

Thanks all!

@RewildingAmbridge thats exactly it! Fomo!!! but you make really good points. From my what my single friends have said, it’s pretty brutal out there dating wise. They all say they wish they had what I have :(

I think the thing is - I went into this relationship not really thinking it would last. He was moving away after uni. Then moved abroad for a while. And at 20 maybe I just thought it would be a bit of fun. But, as the years of gone on we’ve got through every hurdle and grown closer. We have grown together and want the same in life now. And now all of a sudden we are nearly 30 and the serious stuff is incoming!

And he brings out the best in me. I genuinely don’t think I would be where I am now (career wise) without him as I didn’t have support from my family. But sometimes I think…why can’t I have a chance to do some stuff by myself, without his support?! If that makes any sense…without sounding mean!

why can’t I have a chance to do some stuff by myself, without his support

Being in a relationship with someone shouldn't stop you feeling like you 'do stuff' independently. Maybe you need to change the shape of your relationship a bit? More independent time and activities?

Does he know how you feel? Could you talk to him about it? It sounds like you might have lost yourself in the relationship a little bit, rather than that you don't want to be with him?

You don't sound mean or horrible at all, by the way. Just self questioning, which is a good thing.

@Watchkeys has explained what I wanted to say in my reply!
There's no reason you can't do things on your own!