Is it just us or are family days all together the worst not the best...advice please...

[robin3]

DP and I get on really well except on Sundays. This is the only day that we spend all together i.e. Mummy, Daddy, DS1 and DS2. Holidays at home are kind of the same but if we go away we seem to break the pattern.

I work ft so DP looks after the children. At the weekends the kids want 100% of the time to be with me pretty much and are young enough to say as much without shame. This is obviously quite stressful for me as it means I'll be cooking say and both of them will literally be at my feet demanding attention...I have this Saturdays as well but I get on with it as I'm on my own and usually manage to play with them both or entertain them both in some way.

I suppose on a Sunday DP feels like he's the unwanted which may account for his bad mood but on the other hand it gives him free reign to do what he wants. He doesn't continue to do the role he does all week so I do the cooking, feeding etc but he does the 'constant cleaning up' as he says. On top of that I find his parenting style really irritating although I think it's largely because of his grumpiness...so he'll make stupid threats to the eldest DS which make his tantrums worse or he'll go on and on about a bit of bad behaviour which just fans the flames.

He also seems to delight in my poor experience so I'll get the childrens jackets and shoes on and have nappies etc all ready and he'll say 'I don't suppose you have any wet weather gear?'. That makes me mad because even if I went to find it it would be in 4 or 5 different places i.e. he has no system, PLUS I'm trying my best.

He also dawdles (?) at the weekend so we went to Starbucks for cake and coffee this Sunday. He went off to another shop (fair enough)...I asked him what he wanted and he said 'don't know, I'll decide when I get there' again not particularly civil but hey ho. So I wait in this long queue and he still doesn't get there on time as he's stopped en route. Obviously I'm with both children and struggling with the pram, high chair attacher thing, DS1's list of stuff he wants and doesn't want...DS2 grabbing at everything on the table etc etc etc. I find it's impossible to not be sarcastic towards him which obviously adds to his grumpiness and sometimes results in our having a full on arguement in which he gets REALLY angry and I end up in a tearful heap. This usually gets stored up during the day so the kids are asleep so it also ruins an evening.

He's really quite mean to DS1 sometimes when I'm around so yesterday made a play-doh dinosaur (having complained that the play-doh is too messy to have out!!!!!), gave it to DS1 who was impressed but then when DS1 got upset over lunch he snatched the play-doh dinosaur away! Results DS1 hates daddy and is even more clingy with me and on top of feeding the kids I'm quarreling with him, as discreetly as I can, about the fact that that was a mean thing to do.

Mon-Fri I can hear him getting the children ready and he's calm and focused also his other Mums friends are always saying things like 'your so lucky with him he's so patient with the children, never looses his temper, my DH is never patient' and I literally have to grip myself to not shout 'well he's a bloody nightmare when I'm around!'

Anyone else got any experience of this dual-parenting issue and if so WHAT CAN I DO?

no personal experience so bumping for you

just want to say that you really don't sound like you like dp anymore.

it sounds like everything he does irritates you (understandably sometimes I can see).

do you have any time alone? - a) to talk through how your parenting styles differ, in a calm and rational way, and how you can use that to your advantage more,
and b) so that you can enjoy each other and being a couple again. so that he perhaps starts to be a bit more considerate towards you and you don't feel irritated by his every move.

sympathies though, sounds difficult.

I do I really do....rest of the week all is hunky dory that's the annoying thing. Recently we've taken to just not talking about our Sunday frustrations just to avoid the stress but it doesn't resolve anything. Even last night we put our lovelies to bath/bed together and then I made his favourite dinner....we watched daft Sun night TV and we enjoyed a bottle of wine.

I am calling the police. We are married to the same man. Are you a mormon?. How can DH be leading a dual life when he is also here making our life a isery on the weekend. Has he cloned himself?. God help us all - there could be more out there........

that's good

I think it's totally understandable that the children want 100% of you at the weekend with you working ft.

dp probably does feel a bit put out as he deals fine with everything all week but then as soon as mummy's around at the weekend he's a spare part..

I really hope someone with some experience comes along.

Other than finding time alone to really talk about this and understand each other's feelings and perspectives I don't know what you can do...

Monkeybutler...maybe that's it....he's stressed out at having to commute between homes!

It will be. I will confront him when he gets 'home' tonight. Maybe the solutin would be to set up some kind of polygamous commune whee we all bring each others kids up and he just watches darts.

Robin3 your post sounds to me like a role definition problem. Mon-Fri you both have clearly defined roles, it works well, everyone is happy. The weekend comes along and your roles become blurred. Sounds to me like your children are picking up on this by their behaviour which is just fuelling things.

DP takes care of home & children & you all week...for ease, lets say DP plays 'mum'.
Then weekends come and your home playing 'mum'. Maybe DH feels redundant, you are taking over his place and he's not sure where he fits in now...hence the grumpiness.
Maybe you are trying to make up for not being there in the week whilst you're working, over-compensating to try and please everyone and ease guilt (which is unecessary guilt btw, but as a woman you get burdened with it anyway!)

I think you need to talk to DP about clearly defined roles on a weekend - even down to making a list of specific tasks ie. you get kids dressed, I make breakfast. You spend 1 hour doing fun things with kids whilst I do household stuff & then vise versa. Make it really clear who is doing what and the children will HAVE to obey, not hassle you just because you're there and make DP feel like he's second best to you. You will need to both make it clear to them that's not how it works.

The darts thing might disprove the theory...DP certainly wouldn't watch darts but he does have a Premiership season ticket so is he at yours Sat pms and on Champs Leagues nights?

I'm curious....do you work ft and is your DH the childcarer? What is the cause of the issue do you think?

wbw....I think a defined scheduled might help but it's a shame we have to resort to this.

You'd think he'd be a little grateful that the pressure is off him. For sure I set myself up as 'fun Mum' at the weekends but I don't contradict any of the routines/rules they have all week....I made those up anyway so I stick to them. I'm not 'get away with stuff Mum' either. I put my children to bed with DP most evenings so we can work effectively for short periods of time .

So it's confirmed....only Monkeybutler and robin3 who don't find weekends altogether relaxing....now I feel worse!

Hi Robin3 - sorry got called away yesterday and couldn't continue the thread....BUT not at all! I also find weekends to be pretty stressful! I have step kids (sisters) one lives with me & her dad, the other with her mum. We also have a DS of our own...I work ft too, as does DH and then weekends are spent running round after people, dropping off kids, picking up kids, visiting, catching up on housework that hasn't been done durig the week. Children demanding time & attention.
We all get under each others feet, I never feel like I have any space, constantly feel guilty about....anything & everything....spend the whole week longing for Friday and the the weekends longing for Monday morning!! You are not alone!

(But I do think it's common and natural to feel fraught at the weekends when all the 'routine' of the week goes out the window and everybody is in the living space and 'life' situation together. Roles get muddled, everyone feels like the other one's don't appreciate their efforts/hard work/space etc)

I think planning and keeping communication flowing is the answer

hi robin3
don't worry you're not alone.

I exploded at dh the other week yelling 'how come I find Saturday the MOST stressful day of the week???' (I know, very mature of me )

He is a workaholic AND also a domestic control freak (WHEN he is actually at home that is)! Worst of all I also get told all the time how wonderful he is because he not only works hard 'for us' but is also a great cook and takes the children out etc etc.

Problem is Saturdays are dominated by what he wants. He marches round the supermarket at 50mph with both kids on the trolley, leaving me trailing behind. He will turn round and suddenly hit me with 10-point lists (you can almost hear the bullet points) of Things We Need to Do Today. They always end with 'and then I thought we could go to such-and-such restaurant with the kids this evening'- YES BUT THE KIDS NEED TO GO TO BED. He is oblivious to 'routine' except his own!

On Sundays he ALWAYS cooks a huge roast whether or not anyone actually wants it (I am semi-vegetarian . Usually at 7pm so the kids (who HAVE to Sit Down and Eat It With Us) get overtired.

Bless him. Reading this I feel affection for his loony optimistic madness, but god it is exhausting to live with him.

Sorry to be on your dh's side .. but does he get any time off from the kids? Me & dh cope much better if every other weekend or so one of us has an afternoon to ourselves (shopping/walk/bike ride/swim whatever on your blissful OWN!)

dmesticgodless - i posted on your other thread but wanted to add here - why on EARTH are you going to the supermarket on Saturdays? Get shopping delivered online. It's part of that whole domestic help thing others were talking about. (sorry for hijack)

I often find family days tiring too. Sunday is often the only day we all get together but I almost think that puts too much pressure on it to be a Great Day and to spend all our time with each other. Dh is a whirlwind who just cannot have any unplanned time, after about an hour in the house he is feeling bored and cooped up and wants to go somewhere, see someone.

No advice, but no you are not alone!

you know what oranges- I think he LIKES IT

It makes him feel in control!

But I think Ocado is the way to go.

ocado saved my marriage and my career (I am NOT kidding)

domesticgodless - ocado is DEFINITELY the way to go. If he puts up resistance, point out that it will free up his time to go to the organic butcher / fishmonger etc.

god yes then he will spend 2 hours in that queue (I remember you're in my part of London? you probably know the one I mean)

I just can't get excited about meat but he enthuses about it frequently

so will mine (and he doesn't even like cooking, just barbequeing).
maybe we can send them off their to network together

Hi Robin3 am back after spending 3 hours sat on Manc Piccadilly Station looking at trains with DS.

No, I work very part time. 3 evenings a week and DH does full time days. We have different styles of parenting thats all. And I dont like darts. Wil be watching for the DH mvements before during and after football matches just in case my thery is correct.

No experience of a stay-at-home dad, but although we're quite a good-natured family and TEND to enjoy each other's company, we very rarely do things all together as a family. Come the w/end when I've had them all week I'm MORE than happy for him to take them out without me. If I offer him any advice it does not go down AT ALL well. Children often try to play one parent off against the other too, which is why these times can be stressful. One of you should cook, one of you should watch the children. There aren't many real-life oxo families i.m.e.

Thanks everyone....glad I'm not alone.

Funnypeculiar he has a job he loves which is Tues/Thurs evenings training and Saturdays hence we spend Saturday apart. Also during the week he has long periods without either children and chooses to spend them in the garden or with his Mum friends which is fine in moderation but doesn't get the house clean...that's a whole other subject....and I'm going to insist that we get a cleaner.