what to say? trigger warning - possessing indecent images.

[changedusernamex]

Today I overheard a conversation about a man being convicted of possessing indecent images of children. I clocked it cos I thought I heard his wife mentioned which sounded like a friend I first got to know through our kids (over 16s).

I googled and sure enough it was this man.It's all really horrific and I'm in shock and really unsure what I should do.Has anyone been in this situation - where friend has husb convicted?

I'm thinking she might need support but on the other hand, I'm guessing she'd prefer no one knew about it. I didn't even know he'd been arrested and she hadn't said and I don't know what to do or say when I next see her.We're reasonably friendly and meet fairly regularly but not the sort of friendship where we socialised as couples.

I dont want to ask anyone I know in real life who knows her as if they dont know, I dont want to be spreading information.

Is the best thing to just ignore it as she's not mentioned it? It feels like it might be a bit false fronted to just ignore but I'm so shocked and can't imagine what she's gone through and have no clue what you can do in this situation. In many ways, it's worse than a death. I think I'm in shock as I can't stop thinking about it and it's making me feel sick.

I dont want to ask anyone I know in real life who knows her as if they dont know, I dont want to be spreading information.

Is he around anyone's children?

dont know but doubt it. her children are 18+ and no grandchildren and conviction is on sex offenders register.

Yep, it’s bloody horrible and such a shock. Is she still with him? That’ll make a difference to your relationship with her if so.

No she's not I gather from what I learned.

@MrsTerryPratchett did you have any advice?

I would mention it to her directly. Tell her that a mutual friend mentioned it to you. Ask how she’s doing. If she needs to leave her partner and reaches out to you for support, be a good friend to her. If she minimises it and victim blames, I’d cut her out of your life and not look back.

In my experience, 90% of partners deny, deny, deny and accept their partners will continue to behave inappropriately but will find all sorts of ways to explain it away. I have 2 family members with convictions for child sex offences (not images, actual abuse of a child close to them). Both on sex offenders register, neither banned from contact with children.

In fact, both had extensive contact with my dc for years with their probation officers’ knowledge and I wasn’t made aware. I absolutely wouldn’t trust the system to keep anyone’s children safe sadly.

Well it's public knowledge if you've been able to Google it! Can you mention that you've seen it either on the news online or on social media? This is how we found out our neighbour who we hadn't seen for a few weeks wasn't actually on holiday or dead, but in prison for child sex offences!

I would ask her about it, but don’t pry. Let her know that you know what’s happened and you’re happy to listen if she wants to talk.

If she’s still in touch with him you need to be careful about the access she has to your DC.

If she is sticking by him, just go no contact. Would not want to be friends with someone who pretended it hadn’t happened.

If you know, mention it to her.

I recently found out a long ago ex was convicted of this, it was like being punched in the stomach! Felt sick for days. She will definitely need support. And also at the same time won't want anyone else to know as it's such a horrible thing. I'm sure she will be aware that it's in the public domain, so just tell her you know and say you support her and willing to chat if she wants. Be aware some partners find excuses, deny or hide it.

Next time you meet her you could say something kind but not too heavy "I'm really sorry to hear what you've been through, it must have been awful for you".
Either she'll want to talk , or she'll change the subject and you let it drop.

At least then, she knows that you know, and are not going to cut her off.

Also to add what I said earlier, for me, I appreciate it so much when people mention it and ask how I’m doing. For family, it’s a horrible thing to be lumbered with. People tend not to want to talk about it. It’s very rare anymore for anyone to actually ask how I’m doing, but I just want so much to be able to talk about it and not feel like it’s a shameful horrible secret (I don’t support the abuser so I’m very happy to talk about it and it means so much when people actually don’t just pretend it never happened or I should be over it).

Next time you meet her you could say something kind but not too heavy "I'm really sorry to hear what you've been through, it must have been awful for you".
@2bazookas this sounds a good idea thank you

Also to add what I said earlier, for me, I appreciate it so much when people mention it and ask how I’m doing. For family, it’s a horrible thing to be lumbered with. People tend not to want to talk about it. It’s very rare anymore for anyone to actually ask how I’m doing, but I just want so much to be able to talk about it and not feel like it’s a shameful horrible secret
@mindutopia so sorry you had this experience and thank you for this its helpful to know I was wondering if its like death maybe you know where people pretend its not happened and never mention it. feels to huge to act like nothing but at same time dont wnat her to feel im prying at all

Has anyone actually been in this situation themselves?
How did you deal with it?
Its freaking me out and Im hoping someone else who may have spoken/not spoken can tell me what happened and whats best to do.

No I haven’t been in this situation but if I knew anyone who remained with someone who did this I would cut contact and tell them exactly why. Apologists actually help people get away with being like this. I have had contact with adults who had been abused as children and it’s often a lifelong sentence for them.

If she has broken up with him. Sorry I’m not clear then yes I would let her know and help support her.

If they are still together I wouldn't mention it and probably avoid her.

If they have separated I would approach it in the way mentioned about - just by saying you heard, and how awful it must have been for her.

I wouldn't tell anyone else ......to protect her and her adult children.