Please help me. I feel dead inside.

[Longingloves]

I'd usually talk to my mum about stuff like this, or friends but my mum isn't here anymore and friends have kids and own worries. I am 29 years old.

2 years ago, I ended my relationship, just before the pandemic hit. We had been together for 3 years and were friends for 5 before that. I moved to his city, where we lived together. We ended things as we wanted different things for the future, I wanted marriage, kids, commitment and he wanted to be free, young and single. Fair enough.

I moved to a different, but nearby city and started to rebuild my life and went no contact which was hard. Within 3 weeks, we were in lock down. My ex would come frequently, maybe every 6 weeks or so to see me during this time, which wrongly I welcomed. My family were 100 of miles away and I didn't really have many local networks, I also was WFH, and would go days without seeing anyone. He'd usually stay over, we'd have sex, get food, and he'd leave.

This has sadly continued up until December this year. Sadly, I thought we were in the place of getting to know each other again and didn't realise that I was being used as a bed post knotch. I'm annoyingly one of those people that has a hard time separating sex from love. I last saw ex in December and by January he had a new girlfriend. Since then we've been NC, and I've tried to get on with my life.

Then this month, a friend told my ex a huge secret. One only this one friend and my parents knew. That back when ex and I were friends, 10 years ago at 18, I got pregnant by him and put the baby up for adoption. I didn't consult ex at the time, at that time he was a sort of odd friend i'd see and hang out with, would smoke weed and do stupid stuff- far from the 30 year old professional he is today. I had no idea he would become my future boyfriend years later. I never told him, not because I didn't want to, but because it's a thing i've felt so much guilt and anguish over. I think I would've told him when I felt confident in the relationship, and ready to- but in those 3 years I never felt that.

Now, obviously i'm furious at my friend who says it was accidental and she thought he knew but also my ex hates me. He's called me decietful, a liar, evil and has blocked me on everything. I'm also frightened that he's going to tell mutual friends, his parents, and i'm going to have to dig this all up again.

I just don't feel like myself. I haven't had a bath in days, I'm barely eating and I can't even bring myself to talk to anyone. I can't go to the gym and I can't focus on work- and work especially is tough as I'm a language tutor, so I have to do a lot of WFH calls. I just feel so stupid that this has all happened, and that i'll never feel happy or move on, or be myself again. I don't even know where to start.

Oh love, I don't have any useful advice but I did want to offer a handhold until someone else comes along. That all sounds like a really difficult situation, and I understand how a secret that's been kept for so long can be hard to bring up. You won't feel like this forever, but I really would try to talk to someone in real life for some support as well as here - is there a close friend or even your GP/samaritans/another helpline you could talk to and share how bad you're feeling? Punishing yourself won't change what's happened - everyone makes mistakes. Sending you a big hug

You did what you did back then with very good reasons. You have nothing at all to feel ashamed or guilty about.

I would think twice before confiding anything in your friend again. Why did she feel the need to mention that? Even if she did think he knew (did she really, or was she stirring intentionally?) why the need to be talking about something so sensitive to you, behind your back, all these years later?

As for him, what does he want you to do? You made what seemed like a sensible choice back then, and you can't turn back the clock. If he'd known at he time, would he honestly have wanted you to have the baby? Would have have been a hands-on 50/50 parent? Even if he'd genuinely wanted the babay, would his opinion have trumped yours, the person who would be doing all the carrying, the pain, and likely most of the caring? No.

Please forgive yourself. Keep talking here if it helps. Is there someone you can confide in IRL? Maybe talk to your GP about your current mental wellbeing. I'm so sorry your mum isn't around to talk to. But there are other people who care, and any caring person would reassure you and say - this will pass, it's temporary, don't beat yourself up over it. Look for the positive things in life - your work, hobbies, friends and how you can expand them and focus on things to look forward to.

Take care of you. You deserve it.

That’s not a friend who divulges that info, even to the baby’s biological father. You did the absolutely right thing for you and the baby at the time and you have nothing to feel guilty about then or now.

Maybe your ex blocking you is the impetus you need to walk away from your time with him.

I can kind of understand his hurt, especially if you had been in a close relationship but how he feels or responds now is irrelevant to you because you no longer have a relationship with him. I do have to wonder if you entered into a relationship with him knowing you’d had his baby as a way to maybe feel closer to the child or atone for what happened or to even consider a family with him in better circumstances? It is a little strange you wouldn’t have told him and been intimate beyond just sex with him knowing what you do but that is ultimately your choice and you need to do what works for you.

You had moved on a found a new life and you need to concentrate on that now. He is your past and you need to look to the future.

i would maybe suggest considering counselling to cope with the grief of giving up the baby for adoption all those years ago and also for letting go of the baby’s sperm donor.