Silent treatment - clutching at straws?

[Lambembert]

Currently on day 4 of silent treatment from my husband after an argument. It's so lonely and painful, but sadly nothing new. I used to feel confused, but the longer we've been together and the more times this has happened, I'm learning to tell myself that this isn't a reflection on me, it's about him.

I believe there are genuine issues in his childhood/background that contribute to unreasonable reactions when things don't go his way, or as he would like, or displease him etc (eg every time we argue he says our relationship is over, and he's leaving me - no willingness to work on a problem or talk it over, he has however not left for longer than a few hours).

A part of me wants to believe that the behaviour stems from his complete inability to communicate feelings (this is absolutely the case wiht him), or am I trying to make excuses for him? I have discussed with one close friend only, and they point out that everyone has issues from childhood to varying degrees, but it's how you choose to handle them as an adult that matters. Sadly, there is no apetite here to even acknowledge that there is a problem. I have read plenty of threads on here over the years about this, and know what general opinion is, but I'd like to ask anyone else who has ever been in this position, whether they got to a point of understanding the behaviour and learning to accept it - i.e. am I clutching at straws?

Yes you are clutching at straws.

You are in an abusive relationship with an abusive man.

Have you children?

If not, stop wasting time and organise yourself to leave.

He is not a project for you to fix.

Who cares why he goes it.
He does it.

He is a nasty bully who abuses you.

Accept his threat to leave and start organising yourself to leave.

Tell family and friends the truth.

You are wasting years on him.
Stop it.

Honestly it just sounds like he is abusive and you have to spend your life walking on eggshells. Your post reminds me of the threads by another poster about her sulking husband - he behaved just like yours. She ended up leaving him and is much happier. She had a few threads but this was her first one - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking. I would have a read and see what you think. Hope you are OK.

I would take your passport and go. My mother is the maestra of the silent treatment and is used to me go8ng back to her to apologise for the bad feeling. Two years ago, i didn't do that and she 100% blames me for the damage done to the family.

You cant get through to these people.

Geoffrey saitan has some videos about the silent treatment but they assume the stone waller is "overwhelmed" not that they are deliberately manipulating you. Which is such a common technique

Yes, you are making excuses for him.

Yes, you are so ground down by the way he treats you that you are accustomed to minimising & denying it. This is not a criticism - it's a common reaction to abuse.

You can apply for a no-fault divorce now.
Frankly, I'd get a recommendation to a shit-hot lawyer, & find out exactly what my financial & legal options are - without telling him a thing about it until I was good & ready.

It's not your job, btw to "understand & accept" his behaviour.
It's your job to decide whether you want to tolerate any more of it.
You are not an emotional punch bag OR a rehab centre for an ill-behaved man.

Stop making excuses for him.
I had a shit childhood in many ways - 4 years of CSA. I've never stonewalled anyone because of it. Stop justifying his behaviour, & start exploring options & dreaming about a different life.

I agree that you shouldn’t have to put up with this, that it’s an act of control rather than lack of communications skills. However, this is something I’ve been able to overcome with people. Before I go through how though, the question’s are is he otherwise a good man? Do you love him? Do you think he’s good enough for you or do you wish you had “done better”? Do you think he loves you?

I literally just flicked onto mumsnet today just to look at some advertising and saw your message on the homepage.

I am 11 years out of just this sort of relationship. My children are grown up now and I often look back on how I got through those years of silent treatment.

My husband regularly ignored me and I often didn't know what it was about - the longest was around 2 weeks and at the end he would randomly start talking as if nothing had happened.

I spent years distressed, confused and walking on eggshells - its taken a long time for me to realise it was abuse and I should never have put up with it. I can't tell you the relief I felt when I left - yes it was hard splitting up the family home and if I'm honest I was terrified what he would do but many years on I can't believe I stayed in that environment for so long and valued myself so little

It's easy to say now, it was the hardest thing to to do at the time but please put yourself first, you have one life, you deserve better. Good luck xx

It trains you to never ever raise any issue.

It's my mother not an x partner who did/does this to me. But the message is YOU DON'T matter. What you want, what you feel, that DOESN'T MATTER.

My x used to rage at me whenever I tried to raise any issue but the message I got from them both was the same. YOU DON'T MATTER. What you want? What you feel? NOT important.

You’re making excuses for the abusive scumbag.

My dh comes from an emotionally dysfunctional family, where the silent treatment was the chosen method of non communication. When we were in the first year of our relationship it reared its head. I told him it was an absolute dealbreaker for me and that if he ever did it again I'd end our relationship. To be fair, he stopped. He found it really hard initially and I was very patient in the early years by accepting low levels of communication over the alternative of none at all, but he's also worked hard at things and has improved how he communicates and he's setting a completely different example for our kids than he had growing up and I'm proud of him for that.

I think the fact my dh recognised it was unhealthy and toxic helped. He didn't really want to be like that and he was motivated to break the cycle. I think that's the key to any change, you've got to want it for yourself.

Your dh needs to recognise that the silent treatment is toxic and want to change. I think destructive behaviours like this can be worked on, but he has to want to. You wanting it isn't enough I'm afraid.

Both DH and I had horrific childhoods - our families were dysfunctional and toxic in equal measures. We've never mistreated each other as a result - we've made an active effort to be "better" people than our parents.

Stop tolerating this abuse, it's not you - it's all on him and he will never change.

I got this regularly from my mother growing up for a few days at a time (scary thing for an 8 year old) she is doing it again we are on week 6 now (I am in 50s) am
completely done with it now. I realised she used to give me the silent treatment when she was angry with herself because Of her behaviour probably because she was too immature to accept herself

It's not you, it's him.

My DM was prone to the silent treatment. She admitted to me that eventually my Dad would shout at her and 'then I knew I had to sort myself out and apologise '

That wasn't great but we weren't on eggshells and she could acknowledge her problems.

Him, I 'd either ignore or leave.

Why is it ok for you to be with someone who doesn’t communicate with you? Silent treatment is abusive behaviour

Op its awful my mam used to do it. Like your husband its controlling. This could go for days.. I try and ignore it now..

It's a form of abuse. You need to leave him of he's not willing to change.

You are clutching, I'm very sorry to say.

My ex DH was like that. By the end he honestly barely spoke to me for weeks at a time, we lived in a one bedroom flat and it was hell. The atmosphere was just horrible. Thankfully he worked shifts so we could avoid each other sometimes but I just couldn't live like that in the long term, the walking on eggshells and tension was dreadful.

I ended the marriage and am now married to a lovely normal man who talks to me and works on things when we disagree. We don't argue really but if we have a difference of opinion he chats it through with me and we figure things out together. It's such a relief, honest to god. You deserve that too.

In my experience, people who deal with their problems by using the silent treatment never really change, it's all they know how to do. And such poor communication in the area of conflict often spills over into having poor communication generally. It's no way to live.

There's no excuse. All abusers have reasons which may well be perfectly valid, and it's often that they suffered abuse themselves when they were younger. But just because they learned it from bad experiences, that doesn't mean that others (like yourself) should accept it.

Reasons and excuses look backwards: they look at what has already happened, and cannot be changed. Responsibility looks forwards, and looks at what can be done to make things right, ongoing. He isn't taking responsibility for his current behaviour. If he's falling back on his childhood as a reason, he's essentially saying 'My mum made me do it', or similar. Can you see how childish and lacking in emotional wherewithall that is?

I'm assuming that he thinks you're in the wrong and he's waiting for you to apologise OR that he's punishing you (whether you've apologised or not). And if this has been going on for years let me ask you this one question:

How often do you choose not to say or do something purely because you know he will not like it and you will then suffer the silent treatment?

It is abuse. You don' have to live like this. And it doesn't matter WHY he does it.

My previous partner used to go on and on in arguments - never let me get a word in, so could never consider my point of view, or learn anything that might help, so after a while, in an argument, I just gave up and stopped talking/contributing because there was no point and the tiny interjections I was allowed set him off on another long shouty monologue. He said I was going silent, but he misread - I was just trying to put an end to the row. Is that what's happening here maybe? Not minimising what you dh is actually doing, just seeing if there's another perspective?

I hate to echo everyone else but you are clutching.

Whenever my ex was upset about something, could have something to do with me or not, he would go silent. We didn't live together so sometimes it would last for weeks. Until he decided he was ready to talk to me. His excuse was always it's better I not talk to you so I don't take my anger/frustration out on you. Which is a very immature way to handle things especially when you're in a relationship. He even would blame his silent treatments on ME, when I never did anything wrong. it was always some inane reason why he went silent, which was really a HIM issue but he never saw it. At first when he would pull the silent treatment I would be wrought with anxiety but over time I didn't care. And over time it would be a relief as it would give me a break from dealing with him and him pestering me for sex.

My DM used to give my DD the silent treatment for days at a time. it caused me so much anxiety that I'm surprised that I put up with it with my ex. I definitely think it's somewhat abusive behaviour as mentally it takes a toll on you.

Dear OP to answer your question, NO, you never get used to this. To echo some of the other posters, this IS abusive behavior and should not be tolerated. If you would like, you should try to work it out. Years of proper therapy and his willingness to change may bring some results but I personally doubt that he can change. I just ended my 25 years long marriage and silent treatment, my ex was giving me regularly, was one of the reasons I did that. He literally used it to “discipline” me and it would last anywhere from few days to few months. The longest was three months!!!

It is painful and lonely and hard, especially if you have kids and you want to make sure they do not realize what is going on, so you have to pretend and fill in all the silent gaps. But that is not all. This kind of behavior changes you, who you are and how you interact with him and others. This broke me. By the end, I was not able to fight at all, I would freeze, I would lose ability to formulate an argument, it was devastating. Even now when I am free, I am unable to respond to him properly, if he asks me to do something I cannot find the words, I get anxiety attacks, I react like a victim of physical abuse even though he never raised his hands on me, never even raised his voice. Mental and emotional violence can be as devastating as physical, to your person, to who you are, how you feel.

I am sure that all this is a result of some childhood trauma, and it is OK for you to empathize with him, but the bottom line is, you are not responsible for his behavior and should not be suffering for it. See if he is willing to work on this, and work hard, if not, leave him sooner rather then later. Hugs💕