Divorce looming - will therapy work?

[Newnames123]

We have been married for 14 years, 3 kids and have drifted apart. Issue over years is he isn't physically affectionate as I would like. Too much to write but also been issues with him going out getting drunk and not being able to get home. Also when stressed he can verbally lash out. On holiday recently he got stressed about something and snapped at me in front of kids which later turned into a argument.
This makes him sound like a monster and I have thought about divorce before. But we fit together. We are not perfect for each other but it makes sense.

Anyway on holiday I asked for hug in bed and it was obvious he didn't want to be near me. When we got home we agreed he would move to spare room. Me thinking some space would help. But he thinks it's over. He says we should start separating. Said it kills him but he dosnt see me that way anymore and he hates it makes me unhappy. I have been really upset and had strong reaction that I want to stay together and work on it.

We have agreed to try counselling but is there any point? I hate that he dosnt physically want me anymore and it hurts. A lot.

It depends. Counselling may uncover issues on both sides that you were unaware of and as long as you are both willing to work on them, yes it absolutely can work BUT is that what you want. Separation is terrifying - I know, I've been there but sometimes it is the best thing for everyone. My ex told me he was no longer attracted to me. IT's a horrible thing to hear (that wasn't the only reason BTW) Over 10 years later we are both much happier and happily co parent together.

Don't look at it as just a potential way to save the marriage, but that if you are going to have to split up, therapy can make the whole process much smoother, and reduce the emotional fall out massively

Am just annoyed he is giving up and wants out. Feel like I have no say in it.

Maybe I should do some solo therapy to try and sort out this mess. My parents are unhappily married as super religious. So am a grown up scared of telling them.

Couples Counselling won’t make him stay with you if he’s “ giving up and wants out “. It will just make him more angry at you dragging him through a sham of counselling and he will no doubt sabotage it.

It will only work if you both want to fix things.

Or if you both agree to split but want to do it in the best possible way for each other and the children. It can be very useful and save some conflict ( and legal fees ) in the divorce .

If you are sure he has already checked out of the marriage then you need to prepare yourself for the possibility of another woman. Men hardly ever leave a marriage without a soft landing.

I would suggest that “ not being attracted to you “ is a symptom and not the cause of whatever is going on in your marriage.

Sorry I know this must be very painful for you and I understand you want to make it work for yourself and your children. I’ve been there

As I said though, I would definitely recommend therapy anyway – it really does make a huge difference in the outcomes of separations

Thanks lots to think about