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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Separation or not?

7 replies

Cosi11 · 09/06/2022 04:59

My husband and I have been together for 25 years. We have 2 children aged 4 and 11. From the very beginning he has always had complaints about me. I should do this way, or this way instead of the way I do it. There are also other issues that have happened between us and he does not seem to be able to let go of the past. The last 6 months he has been really distant. We don't sleep in the same room or have sex at all. He is miserable with me. I have recently found out that he had an emotional affair. I was distraught. It started as a friendship in which he could talk about his problems with me and they had one sex talk. I found out about it by looking at his phone as I was suspicious. He apologised and he has not contact her anymore. He has started therapy as he wants to know if he can let go of the past or not. I don't know what to do. I love him but I'm hurt as I have realised that he is not the person I thought he was. I have not been perfect but I really want to sort it out. He needs first to find out if he can let go of the past or not.
I'm writing this at 4am because I can't sleep. Most nights I'm up at this time. What shall I do?

OP posts:
ILoveAnOwl · 09/06/2022 05:48

I'd suggest that for now, you do very little. See how the councelling goes, maybe get some yourself to help you process the situation.

But in the meantime, get your ducks in a row with bank statements, passports etc and get yourself in the best financial position possible in case you do decide to leave.

I hope it all works out for you.

Blanca87 · 09/06/2022 05:52

What is the thing he can’t let go off? I bet it trivial but he has held it over you for years?he sounds like an arse and that your life would be lighter without him.

girlmom21 · 09/06/2022 06:08

I think it depends what happened in the past and what happened to resolve it.

MissSmiley · 09/06/2022 06:25

How old are you? I know you're concerned about your marriage but I kept being awake at that time in peri menopause, also had palpitations and anxiety, HRT fixed it.

Cosi11 · 09/06/2022 07:31

You are all very kind for replying. I thought no one would. I'm 46. So the thing he can't let go off is that 15 years ago I took 7 years to tell my family about him, the reason being he is from another race and i knew my mum would not agree and i would lose my family. I was scared. I told them in the end and my mum stopped talking to me. She still doesn't talk to me up to this day but tolerates to have her in her house. He thinks I took too long to tell my family. I have apologised a million times, but he can't let go.

OP posts:
lassof · 09/06/2022 07:43

I'd just let him go mate. Who wants to live like that forever?
I sent my ex for counselling btw as well. We think there must be something wrong with them, an unhappiness within. It's usually the case that they just fancied a bit of side action.
The only couples I know who succeeded after any affair in repairing things went for joint counselling.
I'm happy with my decision to leave

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 09:05

Oh, just take steps towards leaving. I bet you'll feel better as soon as you start.

You weren't put here to be the right person for him. You have a life to lead. You're wasting it by sticking with someone who doesn't make you happy.

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