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Relationships

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Original poster

Don't want to sleep with partner

14 replies

hoomaeyya · 09/06/2022 00:06

I have been with my partner for about 8 years. We have 2 young children together.

I always knew that the sexual chemistry wasn't there but overlooked it as he is a really nice person, funny & very good looking.

He had a very high sex drive when we met whereas mine has always been quite low. He has had to try and match my sex drive although he gets really depressed if he doesn't have sex for a while.

Recently I've noticed that it just makes me feel a bit "eww" when we go to have sex. He does this heavy breathing and I know he's about to try it on. He starts playing with my nipples, which I absolutely hate but he goes for them every time without fail. He says "I just want to lick your pussy" etc in this like whispery sex voice and I just find it so off putting. I'm a really bad actress and it's starting to show that I'm not interested.

I don't actually want to leave as sex isn't a massive deal to me and it breaks my heart to think that I might not be in the same house as my kids every night if we split up. I know it's not fair on him though. He won't be happy with an average-shit sex like for the rest of his life.

I don't know what to do. Is there any way to turn it around once you start feeling like you don't really want to go near them sexually :/

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 09/06/2022 00:11

I na I think our might be worth a conversation about how the stuff he's doing isn't working for you. Why does he amnesia go for your nipeels if he knows you dislike it? Is there stuff you'd like him to do?

Ultimately though if the answer is no then I think you need to be honest - if we stay together it's a seedless marriage.

Do you want to forgo sex for the rest of your life? Would he?

Breaking up and finding someone you can love in that way may be the kindest thing all round

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 00:22

Do you think you're obliged to have sex with him? If so, why? If not, why bother?

RhiRhi1996 · 09/06/2022 00:23

Yes as above says, perhaps talking to him about what DOES turn you on might help? Tell him you don't like when he does x y z but it would drive you wild if he done x.

If that doesn't work, then I do think it's a bad sign. I do think men can tell when your not into it. Men do like the woman to be enthusiastic about fucking them and if he starts to feel like it's a chore to you, then it might make him feel bad.

I do agree that my "life partner" doesn't have to be the best sex of my life but I do think if sexual chemistry isn't there then eventually the relationship withers away. Unless sex genuinely isn't important to both people in the relationship.

If I were you, I'd really make effort to enjoy sex with him more, whatever way that is. I do think it's extreme that he makes you go "ew" though. I bet he would be heartbroken to learn that. So if you really think it's a lost case, I don't think it's a good sign for the longevity of the relationship.

As you already mentioned he has a much higher sex drive than you and feels down when you don't have sex regularly, then to add insult, the times you DO have sex , you're repulsed by him. What a Shame for him!

I do think sex is important to most people in a relationship to some degree, and although people have varying sex drives, I think we can all agree we would want our partners to enjoy having sex with us. I'd want my partner to leave me if he had those feelings about sex personally.

Sydney0101 · 09/06/2022 00:24

I am in this exact situation, and I feel soooo lost!

Would love to see what advise others give

Aquamarine1029 · 09/06/2022 00:31

He starts playing with my nipples, which I absolutely hate but he goes for them every time without fail. He says "I just want to lick your pussy" etc in this like whispery sex voice and I just find it so off putting.

Have you actually told him to stop and that you don't like it when he does these things?

DietCoke99 · 09/06/2022 00:37

I know others may not agree but it sounds like you generally have a low sx drive. But you love him and don't want to split. So can you see a therapist or cam you just fake it?

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 00:43

DietCoke99 · 09/06/2022 00:37

I know others may not agree but it sounds like you generally have a low sx drive. But you love him and don't want to split. So can you see a therapist or cam you just fake it?

Seriously advising a woman to fake sexual pleasure with a man who is touching her in a way she actively dislikes?

Why do you think that's advisable? Who does it benefit? How does it make the situation better?

SarahAndQuack · 09/06/2022 00:53

I think if the sexual chemistry wasn't there in the first place, it's unlikely you will be able to magic it up. Were you honest with him at the start? I think if you were, then it's fair enough to say that you just don't feel much sexual interest - and you are actively put off by the specific things he does (which, ugh, I would be too!).

If you didn't tell him from the start, then perhaps it's more of an issue of figuring out what you do want from life. If you've realised you don't like this relationship, it is ok to get out of it. You are worried about your children -but you matter, too.

DietCoke99 · 09/06/2022 00:57

Oh I know it's not a popular view so if you read my post, I suggested a therapist watch
But OP doesn't want to leave get partner so everyone saying she should, really doesn't help.

thenewduchessoflapland · 09/06/2022 01:10

I always knew that the sexual chemistry wasn't there but overlooked it as he is a really nice person, funny & very good looking.

In the nicest way here I always find statements like the above abit depressing.It's the "nice on paper so I should settle" philosophy.

I've been with my DH for over two decades;we have a house full of children but the magic in the bedroom is still very much alive;I find my husband a nice person,funny and very good looking but the spark between us has always there and we have insane chemistry between us sexual and otherwise.

It's quite sad for both of you that the spark and chemistry is missing from your relationship but it sounds as though the basis is there for you both to build on the foundations you've already laid in your relationship;have you considered seeing a sex therapist together?

Kerrangutan · 09/06/2022 01:31

@hoomaeyya I have a generally high sex drive but have been through phases where it feels like you describe with an ex-DP - despite the fact I loved him and we got on and he was as good looking as ever and I knew objectively I sorta should have wanted to have sex with him. What you said totally rung a bell - the whole heavy breathing thing being a sign it was coming and just lying there with the ick.

Always managed to recover from it one way or another, but I suppose it depends on how much you want to?

Obviously you can't force anyone to want sex - and that includes yourself. But if you feel like you actually do want to be having it (as I did) then two things more or less always worked for me...

(And they both come after explaining to your partner that you're not feeling the dirty talk or nipple play right now and could you try X instead).

First - read smutty books to up your sex drive and help get yourself in the mood. This worked for me even in the exhausting newborn stage.

Second - try fantasising while you're having sex. Way easier to do this if he stops the dirty talk. I never fantasied about other people or anything - always him! - just about different situations or scenarios or I'd imagine him saying the stuff I actually wanted to hear in my head.

I'm no expert but I think what probably happened was those times tended to be really good, I'd always come pretty quickly and easily because I was just in my own little zone, and it reminded me how good sex was and before long I was back to normal and we were having good sex again and there was never any dread or ick feeling.

Hope that might help.

billy1966 · 09/06/2022 13:17

Aquamarine1029 · 09/06/2022 00:31

Have you actually told him to stop and that you don't like it when he does these things?

This.
Because if you have and he persists, it is hardly surprising that you have the ick for him.

That is on him.
He is a selfish lover and you have lost whatever interest you had.

I don't think its coming back.

LadyDP · 09/06/2022 13:35

I would go gently but get my point across. Rather than say " I dont like the nipple tweaking" try saying " I am not enjoying this as much at the moment but think I might really enjoy XYZ" and come up with an alternative. If you want to stay together I think are going to have to act it out. I feel sorry for you both. It must be very difficult.

TheSnootiestFox · 09/06/2022 17:12

thenewduchessoflapland · 09/06/2022 01:10

I always knew that the sexual chemistry wasn't there but overlooked it as he is a really nice person, funny & very good looking.

In the nicest way here I always find statements like the above abit depressing.It's the "nice on paper so I should settle" philosophy.

And believe me, it's even more depressing actually having to settle because everyone you meet is either a cheating arsehole or just doesn't do it for you, no-one else wants you, and you're fertility is about to drop like a stone. Been there and done it and while I regret is massively not marrying him would have been such a massive gamble that I wasn't willing to take as I would likely have remained childless. Please don't judge until you're in the same situation!

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