Advice

[Stillsmilingsomehow]

Long one this. Male, early 50s. Been with my wife for 21 years, married for 18. 2 boys, 14 and 9. We have been having a tough time of it since lockdown, marriage seemed to be drifting. I work long hours and although not a stay at home mum, my wife has a part time business that allows her to do a lot for the kids, she feels pressured by this and resents me for not being able to do more during the week.

Anyway, things came to a head after a recent family week away with my family. Three families and my Mum and she felt a bit excluded and I didn’t help her with that. I accept that this is true.

We talked/argued and got to the point where we nearly split. Instead we agreed to both see separate counsellors for a while before seeing someone together. There was a real feeling that we should save what we had and needed to work at it.

She has been hot/cold with me over the past 6 weeks, still having sex, but only if she instigates it, if I try, she is not in the mood. I want to talk more to try and understand if we are moving forward, she doesn’t, wants me to be patient and not have deep conversations. I respect that even though I find it hard.

So, thought things were ok (ish) and moving in the right direction. Until….. oldest son has a real addiction to screen time and has been sneaking her iPad into his room at night, both of us really cross and policing it hard. This evening he did it again and I went up an hour ago and took it off him, again. Wanted to see what he had been looking at so checking the history. All pretty harmless but then saw some Google searches including what do I do if I don’t fancy my husband any more. What do I do if I fancy a colleague etc.

Sent me into a real spin. I opened Pandora’s box of course. Turns out she has “fallen for” someone she is working with. Nothing physical (yet) so I guess what is called an emotional affair? I haven’t met this guy but she does talk about him a lot, from a work perspective.

So, advice. I think I need to confront her. It may be too late now but equally, if I don’t I will go mad. The outcomes are not great either way but I can’t just sit back and see things develop - I recognise that whilst this may mean the end, which would kill me, I have to know.

So WWYD?

Sounds really tough.

How do you know this:
*
Turns out she has “fallen for” someone she is working with. Nothing physical (yet) so I guess what is called an emotional affair? I haven’t met this guy but she does talk about him a lot, from a work perspective*.

If you've not confronted her yet? How do you even know which colleague it is? It's not clear based on the Google searches

I said I opened Pandora’s box - email to a good friend of hers saying she had fallen for him (including name) how difficult it all was but that she felt so excited and how she felt so good around him. She is clearly confused but it is a nightmare from my perspective. And yes, I know, I shouldn’t have looked but in this case, better I know……?

Did you suspect something? Is that why you went searching for evidence? Going through search history justifiable but going through emails.... you have crossed the line of trust.

You do not sound upset or angry from your post. Do you want to stay together or separate?

You need to time to process

I think either way you have to have the talk with her. After such a discovery you can't suffer on in silence.

I am processing it, angry, upset, heartbroken? I have had a sense for a while there was something else but never in my wildest dreams did I think there might be someone else? I just thought maybe things weren’t going as well as I thought in terms of where we were going by working on our marriage together.

I am incredibly sad, I have to do something as I can’t stay like this - as you say the line of trust has been crossed - by both of us…..

Speak to her. Don't give up yet. Having a crush on someone doesn't mean she wants to act on it. It might be something in your relationship she's missing, hence looking out for it. Also, if she's close to menopause her hormones must be all over the place, this has a massive impact on a woman behaviour.
You have been together for many years so I don't think is unusual to be intrigued by somebody else. This could be a life crossroad
You need to talk, a lot, fall in love with each other again, have fun together, organice date nights, weekends away, remember why you are together. You have got beautiful children and a story together, that is huge, talk about what you want to do together for the next few years. Plan them. Get excited together about your plans. I d start couples therapy asap.

Thanks, that is very balanced advice. She is in the middle of menopause, just started HRT. I have tried to read as much as I can about it and so that does make sense I guess.

Had a good meeting with my counsellor this evening. Going to confront her at the weekend, need to get my head straight first. She will be angry for sure but I hope this may bring her to her senses. I can cope as long as it is a crush and nothing physical has happened but also recognise that this may be the catalyst she is looking for to leave. No way of knowing but have to talk it through. Wish me luck…..

Best of luck OP, you are doing the right thing.

Either way, a decision has to be made now.