Am I being selfish?

[Hopeful1992]

Am I being selfish?

sorry for the long post …
me and my partner have been together nearly 4 years. We have just bought our beautiful dream home together and moved in about a month ago.

2 weeks after moving in his company asked him if he would like the opportunity to go to America for 4-6 months for work, he’s always said he would like the opportunity to go out for a year/18 months and I’ve always said it’s something I would consider. However 4-6 months I cannot realistically quit my job for, I can’t take unpaid leave and we have just moved into our beautiful house which I want us to enjoy together. We eventually agreed it wasn’t ideal and he wouldn’t go without me, but that he would ask if he could go for 1-2 months and I could go out for 2 weeks to experience it.

we haven’t heard anything for weeks then today they came back to say there’s a possibility of up to 3 months, he wants to take it and I of course support him and his career but at the same time I would really miss him and from a selfish point of view of course I would rather he wasn’t going for 3 months.

this turned into a huge row with him saying I’m not being supportive and that he doesn’t need my permission to go. He also said that if other opportunities present themselves in the future he will always take them and if I’m not happy with that there’s an issue. I’ve never said for him not to go simply expressed how I feel, he doesn’t seem to understand that I can be happy for him and want him to do well but also sad at the thought of him going
Am I being selfish? I don’t know anyone who
would be other the moon at being apart from their partner for so long but he’s got me thinking I’m a really unsupportive girlfriend.

Yes I think you're being selfish. Presume there's no children involved?

If not then I think you should be happy for him and supportive. You could go visit for a couple of weeks in the middle?

Life is for living.

Hay op what did you say to him about the 3 months? How did it become a row?
do you have children?

if no kids I’d be encouraging him to go! Could be a great opportunity for his career
I do have dc but if me or dh had the opportunity we would take it because we have good family support

is it because it’s 3 months? That’s not a massive long time- especially if you can take some extended leave to go visit

I think you are being selfish.
Chance of a life time during which you can communicate and visit?

Come on.

I think you are being selfish and that he will resent you.

I just want to make clear I’ve in no way told him not to go, I just expressed that I will miss him.
I want him to go and think it would be amazing for his career. All I said was that while I’m happy for him I’ll of course miss him and would obviously much rather not be apart from 3 months but understand it’s right for his career.

it turned into a row because he told me I shouldn’t be telling him I’ll miss him etc because that’s putting it on him. I didn’t feel I was doing anything wrong expressing this, I can be happy for him but still sad that he’s going to be gone for a few months

3 months is not that long if you're planning on being together forever. I'd be seriously reconsidering a relationship with someone who said anything other than "that sounds awesome, I'll really miss you but you should go for it"

It's just three months. You're being ridiculous. Of course he should go.

Mollicious …. That’s exactly what I have said to him, I’ve in no way told him not to go I’ve just expressed that I’ll miss him to which I’ve been told I’m selfish for putting that on him

What he has done is said that you aren't allowed to express any feelings that he doesn't like.

Being support whilst also missing someone aren't mutually exclusive!

Being supportive sometimes requires you to not say how you feel.

When I was spending insane amounts of time abroad, dh missed me horribly, and I knew it, but he never ever said it. He always told me how proud he was of me for doing so well, and how much he was looking forward to seeing me again, but never anything that would make me feel guilty.

You should not be focussing on yourself on this, but on him. You should say that you think it's great that he's going and that you will do everything you can to go and see him if at all possible. If he asks whether you will miss him you can say of course, but it will still be great. But making it all about how you feel is selfish and unsupportive, yes.

Oh here OP you'll find you have to be the 'cool girl' otherwise you're being utterly unreasonable etc

It's totally understandable that you'll miss him and you're entitled to tell him, but any more than that would be unreasonable. In the grand scheme of things its not very long at all.

However, it sounds to me that this isn't the end of it. I suspect he'll take every opportunity he's given because quite simply you aren't his priority, and being childfree and unmarried he's probably right to do so. But consider if you do get married and have kids, will he still expect to fuck off on his jollies leaving you with the kids, will he expect you to give up your career to follow him around (thats a big fuck no btw)

Look a little further ahead than right now. Will you always be his second priority? Perhaps use this opportunity to really consider what the future may be like and whether you always want to be second best..

I think it depends on how you said you'll miss him. I think a pp worded it in a way that wouldn't make him feel guilty for going. I think that makes a difference. An ex bf moved 1000 miles away when we were dating and I told him I'd miss him but I wouldn't want him to miss such a great opportunity.

Just a few months? I think you’re making far too much of a big deal about it. I know you say you’re being supportive and telling him he should go, but you also say
“we have just moved into our beautiful house which I want us to enjoy together. We eventually agreed it wasn’t ideal and he wouldn’t go without me, but that he would ask if he could go for 1-2 months and I could go out for 2 weeks to experience it.”

sounds like you weren’t at all happy with it and were trying to negotiate it down. I don’t think you’re actually being very supportive- I reckon you’re pushing him into a corner and he’s feeling he has to fight back, rather than both of you figuring out how best to manage it together.

If you love him and you want this to last, a few months is nothing. I’ve done it, my DH has done it. You’ll be fine.

from a selfish point of view of course I would rather he wasn’t going for 3 months

You’ve answered your own question here OP. It’s not selfish to miss someone. (Quite the opposite really). But it is selfish to prefer that he wasn’t going.

This sounds like something he really wants to do and experience. Let him go. Granted, you have no DC.

Maybe he’s taking the “I’ll miss you” as you trying to be manipulative and make him feel guilty for wanting to go. It may or may not be the case but I’m just trying to see it from his point of view.

Talipes - I probably didn’t word this very well, it was a joint decision for him not to go for 6 months. He himself felt it was too long and he wants us to try and start a family this year, he also understands I wouldn’t be able to quit my job for the sake of 6 months and so couldn’t go with him, which he doesn’t want, it was me who suggested he try for 1-2 months instead then he was not going to go altogether at first

thanks everyone - I think I’ve maybe as many of your said expressed my worries about missing him too much, rather than expressing how truly happy I am for him. I’m genuinely proud and happy for him that he’s got this opportunity and need to keep my feelings of worry to myself more than putting it on him

Thanks flissy for your opinion I think you’re right

"this turned into a huge row with him saying I’m not being supportive and that he doesn’t need my permission to go. He also said that if other opportunities present themselves in the future he will always take them and if I’m not happy with that there’s an issue."

The above is the issue.
Don't be confused.

He is annoyed you expressed your feelings and he has told you how your future is going to look.....aka ....he will do as he pleases.

Let him off. This is NOT a man to be trying to have a child with.

He will take any and all opportunities that come his way going forward and you will have to suck it up.

You aren't married, so why would you want a child with a man who is going to prioritise his job.

Don't allow this lovely dream house to cloud the truth.

He's not very nice and your future isn't looking that great, unless you fancy being a single parent with a travelling part time father.

That sounds like a miscommunication.

He's 'hearing' a guilt trip whilst you're expressing your feelings about missing him. It just needed clarification, not a row.

Is he always so reactive/defensive? Something to work on in future.