Perspective needed

[the1percent]

NC for this. Been with DP (not married) for 8 years, one DC (5). We own a house together.

Since we have been together, he has had temper outbursts a total of about 5 times over 8 years. He has thrown things (pad of paper, fork, glass, tray) across the room. It has never been directed at me although 4/5 times have been because he’s angry with me.

Every time it has happened I have told him how it makes me feel - scared. The last time, about 2 years ago, I told him he had to actively do something or I was done, so he went to the GP and got anxiety meds. They help a lot but it happened again yesterday. I have barely spoken to him since because I just don’t know what to say.

There is so much good in our relationship. It’s not my things he’s breaking. It’s so infrequent. He’s never ever been verbally abusive or even close, no name calling or even arguing really. We get on so well. I don’t feel bullied or abused. What should we do? Can I really throw it away because of this? Does anyone have experience of this sort of low level infrequent temper tantrum?

What does he say when the two of you talk about it? What's his attitude like?

He grew up in a household with lots of shouting, throwing things, etc. In contrast, I grew up in a very peaceful household and I don’t deal with conflict comfortably. I don’t think he really understands how horrible I find it. He’s always very sorry but I think deep down he thinks I’m overreacting.

I would wonder if he has ever done this at his work place in the last 8 years or whether it is just reserved for you. I would be asking to seek help with how to manage these outbursts as they are not healthy. He has a 5 year old child, no child should grow up in a home where their parent cannot control their temper to the extent that they throw things rather than removing themselves from the situation they find stressful.

You either live with it or you don't. You either let your child grow up thinking this is normal or you refuse to allow that. He is being violent, make no mistake about it. In my world, this would be totally unacceptable.

He grew up in a household with lots of shouting, throwing things, etc. In contrast, I grew up in a very peaceful household and I don’t deal with conflict comfortably

Tell him that this is a basic incompatibility, and you can't live with it any more.

Growing up in x/y/z circumstances doesn't make you immune from responsibility for your own behaviour. He's an adult. If he can't control himself now, and insists on repeating his parents' behaviour, then he's insisting on continuing the cycle. Your kids will also throw stuff, frighten their partners, and use him as an excuse.

Is that the future you'd like to see?

I know that a lot of people (women mostly) live with all kinds of violence, some stay for a while, some stay forever. The thruth is this IS violence and the fact that it does not happen often, is not directed at you and does not involve swearing does not make it any better. If I were you I would have left the first time it happened.

How do you think your child is interpreting his/her world around him/her when at home?. You feel scared when this happens, this has deleterious effects also on your child. Even if your child does not see dad throw things he/she is certainly picking up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken between you and this man.

It seems you have yourself become inured to his violent behaviour. one time of such behaviour is one time too many. He grew up in a shouty household where items were thrown, he is very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing. Your child as an adult could well do the same particularly if you were to chooses to stay with this man. Did you think you could ever fix him?. You were wrong if you thought that you could. You are also not a rehab centre for some badly raised man. Protect your own self and your child from seeing any more of this from him.

Make no mistake, this is domestic violence within the home.

As for throwing it away this thinking is an example of the sunk costs fallacy and here you’re getting bogged down in your sunk costs. A bad past investment is not going to suddenly come good here.

Repeating the cycle and sunk costs have hit a nerve @AttilaTheMeerkat This is so hard. It’s not black and white.

It’s not easy to leave but it’s even harder to stay. Is this really what you think a relationship should be like?. How would you feel if your child, now adult, went onto throw things in their home?

What sort of relationship example did your parents show you?.
Did no -one ever tell you the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none?. Because that is true.

If you choose to stay, you (and your child) will merely be in for more of the same from him at home. I dare say too he does not act like this at all around work colleagues. Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

If a friend was telling you this, what would your own counsel be.

My family think the world of him. Our circle is super small because he has social anxiety and so he doesn’t really have many friends. His family are useless. But yes, he is very plausible to my family. They will be really shocked if I tell them, they think the world of him. I haven’t told anyone in 8 years hence posting on here for perspective.