Relationship has failed

[Lostmyself0]

Hi everyone, I am new here and tbh I just wanted to put this out there as I am feeling so confused and lost right now. I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 3 year old together and I also have 2 other children from a previous relationship. It was a very whirlwind start and our little boy came along unexpected very soon into the relationship. I will add we knew each other as teenagers so had a past together. Until the last 6 months everything has been good or so I thought but recently he has become so distant and unhappy. I confronted him about this after a disastrous Christmas which was so tense. He said he doesn’t love me but he could again which confused me. He is such a fantastic dad to not only our boy together but to my other 2 from a previous relationship. We have tried and tried to make this work but we are both so unhappy now and I know in my heart I should accept it has run it’s course but I still love him. He can be quite shallow which I would say is his biggest flaw and with 3 children I struggle to take care of myself I won’t lie but I do try. He has said in not so many words that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore which hurt me so deeply. He says he doesn’t want to leave because of the children but how can I be Expected to just be in a loveless relationship. I don’t want him to go but I need a partner who loves me for me and wants a relationship 100%. Thankyou to anyone who has read through it is nice to just get this out of my head to be honest but if anyone has any advice I am all ears as I feel so conflicted right now. My head says get out but my heart says stay.

I am sorry you are in a his situation. You say you love him and if he wants to make it work as much as you do , counseling might help and doing things together as a couple , get a babysitter and spend time together, things might get back on track . But you both have to want it to work. Good luck

Thankyou so much for the message, I have broached the idea of counselling but he doesn’t seem very open to that and I get the impression he just doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore as whenever I plan things it never happens. Honestly he is only here because of the children and I just can’t live that way, he says I just don’t do the things he needs for him to love me but that just sounds like such a cop out to me and even writing it now it sounds so selfish. Like I said above he is a very shallow person when it comes to appearances and after 3 children I am not the size 10 I once was and I don’t have much time between the kids, school and my part time job to get myself back into shape and put more tme into how I look.

So sorry to hear your story, some people are just like that though, aren't they.
Shakespeare had this one right, love that alters when it alteration finds is not true love.
You are right to want more. It's a shame his affections are so shallow but what can you do? You deserve to be loved for who you are, not what dress size you fit.

www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45106/sonnet-116-let-me-not-to-the-marriage-of-true-minds

All the best,

I have always thought you should love someone not only for what’s on the outside but more for what’s on the inside. Shakespeare did get that spot on. It’s just hard to accept that the relationship has failed as it has as we started with such potential and he does have many many good qualities but he just can’t seem to get over that one thing 😓😓

He said he doesn’t love me but he could again which confused me.
It was designed to confuse you.
To undermine & worry you.
He wants you turning yourself inside out trying to find ways to make him 'love you again'.

he says I just don’t do the things he needs for him to love me
See?
He wants you to ask what he "needs" & then dedicate yourself to providing it to him.

He is shallow & cruel, & your mental health will nosedive if you stay with him.
What is your living situation, & are you working?

However sad it seems to walk away, you deserve better.

What KettrickenSmiled wrote.

Are you really confusing love with codependency here?. His needs are not somehow more important than your own. I am sorry he is as shallow as a puddle but that is not your fault nor doing either.

You think with your head and your head is telling you to get out. Your heart will catch up in time and it needs to, you do not think with that anyway.

Its over and you know its over. Walk away from him with your children. He can choose to see his child but I would formalise all contact arrangements rather than do any informal arrangement. He is also financially responsible for his child.

In all of this, has he once asked how you feel or if you are happy? It doesn't sound like it. . I think that sums it up.

It's over, you need to leave and protect yourself.

he says I just don't do the things he needs for him to love me

Such as... what?

I know and my mental health has really taken a hit recently with this all, we love together and he works full time and I work part time so separating would be difficult as we rent privately and I would struggle with bills and everything alone. That is what I find so hard he can be so amazing especially as a dad I can’t fault him but he just seems to bored with the relationship and is so negative about everything and it is wearing me down.

Honestly I know you are right I just don’t seem to ever get the courage up to do it 😓 I am not scared of being alone but it is so confusing as I said he has some amazing qualities about him and technically he hasn’t actually done anything wrong except emotionally he has left the relationship for dust is that enough to justify breaking up the family 😢

technically he hasn’t actually done anything wrong

Yeah he has.

He has told you he doesn't love you - but he might in future.
He has told you that he might love you if you give him what he "needs" - but he does not even say what that is!

He is torturing you emotionally.
If he no longer loves you, he should split, & help you find new accommodation.

What a bastard. And he's shallow. Honestly OP - find your anger, he is treating you appallingly.