Marriage stuck stale husband nasty

[WeekEnd12]

Thought I’d start here before counselling.
I got married quickly and had 3 children under 5, by 7 years into marriage.
I became a stay at home mum since having our first until recently.
During this time my husband didn’t care much worked a lot, went out a lot and was very agressive, I knew no different and didn’t have many friends. Over time I shut off emotionally and just got on with being a mum - but he was always an amazing dad and very domesticated when home.
When I had my last child I decided I wanted to do something career wise so did open uni and became a teacher.
I have changed, stronger and now stand up for myself. Which I feel he respects me more and has shown very little aggression anymore, never shouting or being horrible. I also have friends which he doesn’t like and gets abit short when I’m due to go on a night out and hates me talking about them at all.
But I just cannot open myself up fully and feel slightly like I’m missing something.
I love him as my best friend but just closed off physically and hard towards him internally.
I tried to leave him last year when he was nasty, and it’s like a switch had gone off and he’s totally devoted and treats me with such kindness.
I now cannot fault him at all but it’s almost like the damage is done and I’m slightly on egg shells.

What do I do? xxx

Your marriage is unhealthy and you're unhappy.You've tried to end it once and you were sucked back in.It's likely he doesn't want the marriage to end more out of convenience and for financial reasons.

I think you already know you'd be far happier no longer beholden to this man.

He has never been an 'amazing dad'.

Amazing dads are not aggressive towards the mother of their children.

no counsellor would counsel a victim with their abuser. Amazing dads are not domestic abusers.

You say things have changed - can you do the things now that he played up about before like wanting to see your friends?

Do you want to improve your marriage?

It'll all well and good strangers on the internet saying 'he's not a good dad he's abusive' but that's not really a helpful answer as it's a statement with no support.

He’s cut all his friends off and tells me he doesn’t need anyone- although I try and push him to not to do this as it makes me feel guilt as I’m starting to build up friends. He said he’s happy for me I have friends but every now and then he will tell me not to talk about them. Which cements that inner thought.

I don’t know how to improve my marriage- for him I feel slightly guilty we are not that intimate but for me it’s deeper.
I am torn between what is right and wrong - he is trying very hard and it’s very obvious but I just don’t know if it’s enough.
My thoughts are all internal - what keeps me here is not having to share my children with another he moves on with and the damage on the children. I think I can live with someone for the rest of my life as long as my children are happy if that makes sense and a feeling of selfishness if I was to leave 😔

This made me cry, it touched me emotionally but I’m unsure why x

What didn't your DH care much about when your DC were little ? Was it just that he didn't value you being a SAHM or he didn't realise who hard it is? I think it's normal to be exhausted and loose that desire for intimacy.

I have found myself that I can't let go of things, little comments or things he didn't do to help and that makes me resent my DH. Speaking to friends attraction is definitely affected by these resentments. I mean today my my DH referred to my boobs as little pancakes, now this has pissed me off because there is nothing wrong with my boobs having lost weight, but he thought he was hilarious, but it's that type of dig that add together with other stuff causes resentment. I feel men are more physical and don't think in the same way so they won't let the dishes not having been fine put them off sex.

OP,

This is really not difficult to understand.

He's killed your love and marriage.

You have been in survival mode.

He thought he could bully and abuse you endlessly, but like most bullys he backed down when he realised he had gone too far.

He's a shit father and a shit husband.

If he was otherwise he wouldn't have behaved the way he did.

His abuse has killed your marriage.
Denying that will do you no good.

Your self respect and esteem are strong.
You are quietly repulsed by him.

My advice, is get counselling for yourself first to really tease out what you want.

I think you know what you want.

Counselling as a couple could be good as mediation for a separation.

Pretending to him that you don't know and think he was a nasty prick for years is not going to do either of you any good.

Framing it honestly, ......in that his behaviour was so appalling that your feelings have changed.
That you can't and won't apologise for having self respect.
That you loved him but HIS treatment of you when you had 3 very young children was so dreadful that your feelings have changed.

Reach out to family and friends and tell the truth.

You sound like a truly amazing woman to have had the presence of mind to retrain with 3 young children and married to a nasty bollix.

Hats off to you.
You are way to good for him.

You deserve better.

He's blown it.
I don't feel one bit sorry for him.

@girlmom21 how rude, the obvious answer shouldn’t need explanation. Abusers should be divorced. Women’s aid and a solicitor can support that. The marriage can be improved by ending it. The kids won’t be made to live full time with an angry, controlling man.

"what keeps me here is not having to share my children with another he moves on with and the damage on the children".

Neither are any real reason nor basis to remain with such a man and you are all being emotionally harmed now by him.

Men like this like women who supposedly stand up for themselves because in their head it gives them an additional challenge to take down. You cannot protect yourself, let alone your children here, from his abuses of you and in turn them if you are all under the same roof. Your children will not have to live 100% of the time with a still controlling abuser if you are apart from him.

Your children are being emotionally harmed by seeing all this within their home; a home that is also no longer their sanctuary.

If he moves on to another woman so be it. You will be well rid of him. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Explain exactly how I've been rude.

I tried to leave him last year when he was nasty, and it’s like a switch had gone off and he’s totally devoted and treats me with such kindness.
I now cannot fault him at all

The OP said this. It sounds like he's improved - yeah it might just be temporary but I don't know him and nor do you - and it sounds like she wants to try and make her marriage work if it's at all possible.

Just telling her he's abusive isn't going to help.

Telling her to stay with a domestic abuser is of zero help. Telling her other replies to her thread are of no help is rude.

hi, your experience sounds a lot like mine. I’m getting divorced now. It was like you said, a switch had flipped. I wanted to stay with him, but the feeling wasn’t there anymore. I realised he has hurt me when I was vulnerable and I would never trust him again. My ex also became so much nicer when I said I was going to leave. I feel so sad for our history and the kids, but also like a weight has lifted. Good luck whatever you decide.

I never told her to stay with him. I said people like you saying he's a shit dad and he's an abuser isn't constructive because it's not.

If you'd given her some helplines or guidance to support your comment it would have been.

He lovebombs you to keep you on side. What does he add to your life?