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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Separating with two children together

6 replies

Catsandallthingscrazy · 08/06/2022 10:20

I've been with my current partner for well over 20 years and he's never committed to me in any form of marriage or whatever . We have two children ages 7 and 9year old. Years ago when they born we both decided I'd return to work part time and otherwise be a stay at home mum. Two years ago my Dad died and that changed a lot mainly really because I've lost the last remaining man who loved me unconditionally. I've suffered with depression for many years and have been on medication for it , but since going to couple counselling I've finally realised the problem isn't and never has been with me , but that he's been "diagnosed " with being emotionally unavailable ! This has changed things massively in our relationship and unfortunately it looks like the only way forward for me and kids is to separate from him. I do not want to bring kids up with a Dad who struggles to give them a cuddle or provide a deep meaningful conversation. The atmosphere in the house is toxic and both kids are picking up on it now . Problem is this : he says he wants sole custody of both children.
Would a court or legal official give him custody as a working father , Over me ? since I only work part time but am and always have been their sole care giver. He takes them swi0mming sometimes but other than that , I do school runs, and after school bits as well as all housework, organising , cleaning etc. Obviously he's in a much better financial situation than me , would this make a difference to any legal decisions for both kids. Who makes these decisions and at what stage ? Things are messy , despite all my attempts to keep things amicable . Any advise for family based solicitors or Barristers welcome . I'm at my wits end with worry about all this

OP posts:
pitchforksandflamethrowers · 08/06/2022 10:30

Ok no marriage he can want full custody but he doesn't have that automatic right.

Sounds like your the main sole carer because of his job so actually he couldn't get full custody.

are you renting or own your house ? Who's name is it in. Go on CSA and find out how much maintenance you would get based on 60/40 split and also check out entitled to website to see if eligible for any help.

anotherdisaster · 08/06/2022 11:09

I will put money on it that he has zero intention of having the kids full time. This will be a threat to stop you leaving. I can't imagine him ever getting sole custody of them unless he can somehow prove you are unfit. Has he explained how he would get them to and from school? How he would manage in the holidays? If he is emotionally unavailable, why does he even want sole custody?

anotherdisaster · 08/06/2022 11:10

Do not be blackmailed by this man. Tell him if he wants sole custody then he will have to get a solicitor. Start getting your ducks in a row and ignore his threats.

BuffaloCauliflower · 08/06/2022 11:10

Highly doubt he actually wants them full time, he just wants to hurt you

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 08/06/2022 11:13

BuffaloCauliflower · 08/06/2022 11:10

Highly doubt he actually wants them full time, he just wants to hurt you

This its the oldest trick in the book by abusive men.
Custody almost always goes to the main caregiver

Catsandallthingscrazy · 08/06/2022 13:19

Thanks all, in the current school year he's picked them up form school twice, I not even sure he'd know which class rooms to collect them from. Sadly the house i(s a Mortgage )-is in his name, long story but when I had my eldest l.b he worked full time and I wasn't actually working so therefore not entitled to get any maternity pay of any description ! So naively ran a debt up in my name to cover baby items , he has never contributed a cent to this debt ! Which I'm now aware is financial abuse !Even then he didn't financially help me out at all after baby born, until I relentlessly nagged him after second child born, he finally caved in giving me a credit card in his name ! I think like a few above he doesn't really want custody of them , he mainly a scare tactic. I think the hard work would ultimately break him !! I am now logging and have been for a while all expenditure on the house to ultimately prove my financial contribution towards the house and have paid for various summer holidays, school dinners , tutoring, etc . Even now he doesn't financial support me other than a credit card ghat use to spend for kids items. I'm just panicking his financial situation looks much better than mine for obvious reasons . Please don't judge me , I am aware this is a nasty person that sadly feel in Love with , without reliasing how sinister his intentions were. I want the kids to stay with me as I know for a fact he won't be able to manage them in their teenage years !!! Thanks for any websites or other fact finding site details I may need to read up on !? Thanks all much much appreciated

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