Navigating tricky family relationships?

[Jinglejangly]

I think my brother has narcissistic tendencies, so I tend to keep him at a distance. Our father was undiagnosed autistic (without doubt) and it's like my brother has picked up some of his behaviours without the autism and hence, the narcissism.

He has some good qualities, but I'm at a point where I need to keep some distance. He has a nice partner- a relatively new relationship, who obviously doesn't understand the dynamic between us and if I'm honest, doesn't really understand what he's like yet.

He has got her messaging me over various things- inviting us to things etc and it's becoming a little awkward as I keep having to say no. She clearly can't comprehend my need for space from him and I don't want to put him down to her by telling her why or expanding on this. She will, in time, no doubt, find out for herself. She's very nice and respectful but totally naive to what is going on. I like her, but I also don't want to be the cause of any discord in their relationship if I expand on why I need some space.

What would you advise?

I keep the social things minimal. These people are difficult as we know.

I've been thinking this over. It seems as though you might have two options.

The first is to continue fending off the invitations politely, knowing that the girlfriend is probably being manipulated by your brother but not wishing to reveal why you don't want contact with your brother and thus with her. You may want to think of some replies that you can have on repeat, i.e. 'I'm afraid that's not possible'. If you do use such phrases on repeat, surely she will pick up that there must be some reason behind this?

The second is that you do arrange to meet up, but at the first sign of any tricky behaviour on your brother's behalf, you name it, say to the girlfriend that this is the reason you didn't want to meet up, and leave.

Others may have some more ideas for you to think about, but all the best!

Thank you @charmingthebirds I think you're probably right that those are my options. It makes it clear to me that the second one perhaps isn't an option for me at the moment as I feel the need to protect myself and my children from any disparaging comments which I know he's capable of making.

I think I'd say something like, "He and I don't get on well, really, so I'll give this a miss. If you ever fancy going out sometime, though, just let me know."

That gives her the option of asking you in private what he's really like.