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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is this behaviour please

15 replies

Schtuck · 08/06/2022 00:44

I find it impossible to have a conversation about something I am unhappy about with my DP. I'm not exaggerating when I say every conversation of this nature escalates very quickly and becomes impossible or a screaming match. Most of the time I don't raise things now as I can't face it, but occasionally I feel I have to when it concerns something important, for example safety related issues relating to our DC.

Im going to find it hard to describe this as my mind feels like a scrambled mess right now. But what happens is very quickly he launches into a tirade of just stuff. I can't think how to describe it. It can be related or unrelated to the original topic, and he goes round and round and on and on at the top of his voice. He barely takes a breath, just keeps going. He tries to mock, patronise, belittle me etc. I can't get a word in edgeways and anything I do say he just speaks over or uses just uses it to launch into another tirade of words and more words. It's littered with questions but they're not ones I'm meant to answer. He doesn't stop and all the while I can feel myself filling up with pressure inside and feeling more and more flattened by this endless ranting. It takes my breath away with its energy and power to flatten me. I end up feeling like I want to do anything just to get him to stop talking. I can't put into words accurately enough how awful this makes me feel and how unbearable I find it. It's utterly draining.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Schtuck · 08/06/2022 00:48

Oh and I try and hold myself together but eventually I end up screaming at him like a lunatic telling him to stop talking and let me say something. And then I'm the one with the problem and I need psychiatric help, because he's not in a screaming frenzy and I am.

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 08/06/2022 00:58

It's overbearing, domineering and abusive. That's what I'd call it.

In the short term my advice would be to walk away from the discussion if he's preventing you from speaking and just say "we can't discuss things sensibly when you're behaving like this" if you feel you can speak calmly. If not then just walk away.

In the longer term, this is not a healthy normal relationship and unless he is willing to admit to his faults and seek help for his behaviour there will be little you can do to change it. You deserve ever so much more from a relationship than this. Would you be able to separate from him?

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/06/2022 01:00

It’s abuse OP. And it will make you ill.

Sorry Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2022 01:01

Arseholery comes to mind, but a specific label is irrelevant. He is a fucking horrible, abusive prick, and you simply can't allow your children to grow up in this environment. The damage this is causing them will be lifelong. Get out and move on. There is no fixing this.

DontPickTheFlowers · 08/06/2022 01:02

“I don’t know what to do”

You get out of the abusive relationship OP.

Shedcity · 08/06/2022 01:04

It’s abuse

but the name doesn’t matter
are you happy? No. Can you fix it? No.
so leave

Schtuck · 08/06/2022 01:09

I know I need to end the relationship. It's pretty much over anyway. There's no intimacy. I can feel my body recoil now when he touches me. I don't enjoy talking to him.

I don't know how I'm going to do it though. I live in Ireland and the house prices and rent prices for a 2 bed are extortionate within commuting distance to my job. I won't be able to afford it. My DC are 1 and 3. We don't have family here I could go to.

When I think about about all the difficulties I feel helpless against them.

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 08/06/2022 01:15

Is there an equivalent of Womens Aid in Ireland? There will be people you can talk to about what help there is out there for women leaving an abusive relationship.

Schtuck · 08/06/2022 07:50

Yes there is Woman's Aid here. I'll try and call them later

OP posts:
Minoloso · 08/06/2022 08:13

It’s called word salad and obfuscation. Abusers do this to confuse you and verbally bully you into submission. My abusive ex did this.

Schtuck · 08/06/2022 08:49

Thanks @Minoloso I've just googled it. That's exactly it. I never get a straight answer if he doesn't like a subject. Just this endless barrage of words. He can state something at one point and then totally contradict himself a few moments later. It's mind boggling. His ability to twist topics is incredible.

OP posts:
Minoloso · 08/06/2022 09:11

Your sound on it OP. Please read ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft - it completely opened my eyes to my ex and his type of abuse…

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_GK8EQ8PW7FWV8K8X1S8T

Schtuck · 08/06/2022 09:52

I'll have a look at that book.

To be honest I know this relationship is all wrong and his tactics are abusive. I really just can't see how I'm going to successfully provide for my children if I leave. And knowing that feels so disempowering. I feel trapped. I feel like the easiest scenario would be for him to meet someone else.

OP posts:
catpoppet · 08/06/2022 09:56

yep - you need to make plans to leave .

anotherdisaster · 08/06/2022 10:02

He won't change OP so its best to accept that. He;s really not a very nice person at all. Most adults should be able to sit down and have a mature discussion about things. Make sure you look into what benefits you will be entitled to as a single parent and he will have to pay you maintenance too. So you may be a little better off than you think.

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