Im new here and have a bit of a complicated story but here goes. Been with my partner 18 months.... hes everything ive ever wished for. There's a 17 year age gap but it doesn't bother me. I know it means our future may not be as long as if there was no age gap, but I just know he is my one and I never thought id be lucky enough to find that. He has children in there 20s, I have one age 13 and one age 6. We'd know each other a long time before we got together and I loved him before i knew it and never imagined we would be where are now. I never thought he would go into a relationship with young children but hes made it clear that he loved me too much not to try and make it work. I know he was nervous of diving in with young children as before us he'd been preparing for his retirement, but hes put everything into it and has built a lovely relationship with my boys. He's 54 and I'm 37.
Getting to the point..... back in January i found out I was pregnant as my contraception wasn't doing its thing (there's reasons behind that but its not relevant) anyway.... I panicked and booked an abortion and wanted to do it without telling him. I didn't want to tell him because I felt he wouldn't want a baby but I knew it would break his heart to tell me. We've talked in the past that it hurts that we didn't meet earlier and didn't get to have our earlier years together and hes said he was sad that we didn't get to have our children together. Hes said several times that seeing me with my boys makes him love me even more. I'd never expected to have anymore children so I'd never really considered any more in the future.
Anyway...I went to the appointment and they booked me in for the procedure.... another complication was that I'd been told I had CIN 3 abnormal cells and that I urgently needed them removed... they'd booked me an emergency appointment etc. This made me convince myself that I had to have the termination regardless of how he or I would feel and I didn't want him to have to feel the sadness I was feeling too so I was best to just not tell him. Anyway....a few days before the appointment I burst into tears and told him.... I couldn't stand lying to him. He instantly looked devastated....but before he had chance to speak I told him I'd booked the appointment for the termination because the cell removal procedure meant it wasn't something we could consider. He still looked devastated.... but all he said was I cant believe you were trying to do this alone. He cuddled me and said it would all be OK. He cuddled me pretty much solid for two days without us discussing it further. Eventually I asked him how he felt about it. He said he was worried for my health over the cells and that he just wanted to help me as much as he can. I thought he was relieved that id made the decision because it meant we didn't really have to go into the discussion of what we should do. I had the procedure and we went home and cried together all night and danced to our special us songs. I'd asked to see the scans before the procedure (I've no idea why but I needed to) , I took a photo in case he wanted to see too and becausei needed something to keep of our baby. (He had to wait outside because of covid). When I told him about the scan photo he literally burst into tears. He understood why I needed to see but said he didn't know if he could face it. I understood and said I didn't expect him to look but that if he ever decided he wanted to then id show him. Later that night he said he wanted to see... i told him to think about it for a few days but he insisted. When he saw it he smiled and cried and then said he loved that we'd had that thing we never got to do together.
We've cried many times together over it.... both devastated that we couldn't have it. I know I justify it to myself that it was because I had to have the cells removed and I think he does the same. But.... I know deep down that I did it because I didn't feel it was the right thing for him, and that whilst I know he would have supported my decision and been everything that child could have wished for.... I feel he would have always felt it wasn't the right thing and I didn't want that.
I genuinely am comfortable that I made the right decision..... but I also wish every day that id kept our baby.....it has made me realise that I would absolutely love to have a child together. I want to tell him that..... desperately.... but I think that whilst he wishes we'd done it together....I 100% don't think he'd want to start again at this point in life. His relationship with his children was difficult because his ex was controlling to the point it was abusive and she used his children against him and made it difficult for him to be properly close with them. It hurts him so much that i know its made him feel like he was a failure as a dad. I know thats not true because of what i see with him and my boys but its hurt him beyond repair. I know it would break his heart to have to say he didn't want children with me..... and I don't want him to feel that. But.... I feel like im lying to him by not telling him how I feel. I love him so much that I can fully accept not having children with him because he's everything I ever wanted in a relationship. Do I just let it go and not tell him or do I take the risk on the chance that it might be something he would be open to?