I really hate that I feel so needy!!!

[Blushingm]

I've only been seeing this guy 2 months. He has a busy job, 50/50 with his kids etc, friends too which I understand but I feel the need to want/expect him to message me all the time.

He will invariably message me in the mornings, occasionally during the day and most evenings......but I can't help but keep checking when he's was last online etc. and if he's been online and not messaged me I feel disappointed or think he's losing interest etc

His messages are always proper messages so would take time to type so not just the one word or anything

Logically I know I'm bonkers - he has a life and we've not even known each other very long either - I know I need to stop this but I don't know how....

Aww…I know the feeling @Blushingm i was like that in pretty much every relationship in the early stages. It’s one of the things I like about being single now to be honest: not dealing with that anxiety.

I don’t really have much advice since I never cracked it myself … but my one piece of advice is to take it all as slowly as you possibly can & tell him you’d like to take it slowly & even have a set time to chat or text. With one ex we used to chat every evening at 9pm. It was bliss as I knew not to expect to hear from him any other time of day

Read about anxious attachment

Meet your own needs before trying to have a relationship.

That is easy to say if you aren’t an anxious person and/or you have had mostly positive relationship experiences. As someone with an anxious attachment who has been serially monogamous and has had some traumatic experiences I know how stressful this can be. It is worth it though because there definitely are good people who make it so worth it. I will think about how I have managed it and message again. But know it is something you can overcome and that you really should try to, because in all relationships you have to take a leap of faith and he sounds like a nice man who has given you no reason not to :)

@Startingagain86 he is a lovely guy, his kids are his priority in his life and he really makes an effort with then, his job is busy, his divorce is continuing and it's not going well and I know his self esteem is low too - but he has not given me any reason to think he's not interested etc - I'm scared I'm going to frighten him off

You are putting too much power and importance into his hands. And it is all your own doing.

Would you like to be in a relationship where the other person's peace of mind was dependent on your messaging? That they felt "unreasonably rejected" if they knew you were online and had to message a friend/your sister/mum/hairdresser? No you would think they were nuts.

Try and go back to doing some of the things you did when you were single. It wasn't that long ago after all.

You are going to frighten him off.
I am guessing you are supposed to be his fun, his release from all the other stressful balls he is juggling but it will end up, message girlfriend or have to explain all my other online status messages to her to add to his list.

Relax.

I had this and turned off my last seen status so now I can’t see anyone else’s.

This is entirely right. You do need to make yourself happy first and foremost. Also don’t jeopardise something good (although I know that can be hard). I think you just need to trust in his his actions (as opposed to words), take one day at a
time and know that most men won’t be with you if they don’t want to be. It will be ok :)

@frozendaisy you are totally right, he's even said as much about us being fun as everything else is hard atm!

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself and him to have the happy ever after relationship. It might be, it might not. People are fragile after splitting and when going through a divorce. Just have fun and see how it goes. It might work out but at this stage it should be all about fun and excitement not anxiety and self doubt.

I’ve been there, I completely understand and I got burned by being too invested. You end up pushing things too fast, saying how much you like them and it ends up being off putting. After being burned I ended up on the other side of it and completely understood how I had previously tried too hard. It’s one tough thing to crack in the current dating world! I did fill my life with other things but that anxiety about messaging was always on my mind and it fucked it for both of us. I live in hope that if they are actually the right person then those feelings will disappear but I’m yet to find anyone where we have the mutual feeling where the messaging doesn’t get stressful. I guess you can just tell him and see what he says but I learned that “it’s like a fart, if you have to force it, it’s probably shit”. If you tell him be prepared that either he gets it or you lose him.

You’re not needy- he’s clearly emotionally unavailable.

He may well be busy with his job, and rightfully his DC, but he doesn’t automatically deserve a woman at the other end of the phone waiting to jump when he has space in his calendar. Lol, the bloke isn’t even divorced yet. And you know about his self esteem issues after a casual 2 months of seeing each other.

You clearly are feeling insecure and confused, and the right man will never make you feel confused however busy he might be. It’s all about priorities and you are obviously not one as he has the messy divorce, work stress and kids to sort out.

If you want a man that makes time for you, is more available throughout the day- go and look for him. better than wasting your time, self conscious about being needy. You won’t scare off the right bloke.

Fall in love with a hobby

Have you talked to him? I really believe communication is the key. If your honest with him and he runs a mile rather than working together he's not the one for you! But also don't make him the centre of your attention.

I have borderline personality disorder and was very open and honest about what I needed and why (fairly early on maybe 2/3 months in). Obviously I didn't dictate he had to do everything I said just tried to explain my triggers. Has he at times told me I'm being unreasonable absolutely, does he take on board how certain actions make me feel and does his best to support me 100% yes.

3 years in we are stronger than ever.

@sswift that’s very interesting and lovely to read. Is neediness an element of BPD?

I was similar and learned to love my life. Now I am fighting men off with sticks 😀😀😀😀not exactly but am genuinely happy with my friends and my lover is a glorious bonus but also enjoy other things too.

Ahh I have been there. So recently. I ended it with him after 5 months. 3 weeks ago that was and I'm struggling, I won't lie. But I'm so so glad not to be waiting for him to message anymore. Waiting for him to seem really keen on me.
I don't think it would have ever happened and it's such a shame because I liked him so much.
But you either feel it or you don't, he didn't. I think it's possible your guy doesn't either... but it's worth a frank conversation. You need to realise what each others expectations are.

I recognise that I'm a bit like this. Even with new friendships. I just get really excited but I don't beat myself up over it. I don't let it show either, I would never tell the person or ask them to interact more. Outwardly I keep a calm demeanour but inside I'm just really want to get on with getting to know the person better. Distraction is the best way forward. And being gentle with yourself.

I remember your thread. I am glad you did this and you will come through it and feel stronger, I am sure. Good luck. I don't want to hijack the thread but wanted to say that.

Thank you very much @ValerieCupcake

I feel much worse than I should, I only knew him for almost 6 months for goodness sake. I don't know why I've done this to myself. The days are passing very slowly and I am trying hard not to send any messages. I haven't as yet and it does get a tiny bit easier each day. Thanks for remembering me.